You are the cool breeze that touches my warm skin in the middle of summer.
You are the last golden leaf that flies into my trembling palm at the end of autumn.
You are the beautiful star that glows brightly in the cloudy sky, so I can still see you even in the middle of the rain.
You are the soft flower that blooms in my awaited spring, and I am the tree that is dried and bare, yet not covered with snow in the winter, still waiting for you to look at it.
I am the flower that died long ago, yet my petals still float in the thin air just to reach you.
I am the only sunflower that does not look up at the sun, ’cause I know you’re not the sun.
Not in every lifetime—in every season, too, I look for you, love you, and reach for you there.
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141,556 Literary Works • 674,957 Reviews
Hi!
This is a beautiful poem and I love how you express that feeling of loving someone no matter where or when. I think that my favorite part is the first three lines because it just gives me a feeling I can’t explain.
This is actually pretty inspiring and I felt moved by this line: I am the sunflower that does not look up at the sun, ‘cause I know your not the sun.
It was a little short, but keep up the writing! This is a gorgeous poem!
Thank you
Hello!
I really liked this poem!! It is romantic and beautiful, which both go together very well =D
I love this part, I think that it is my favorite: each sentence one little, tiny detail that can make life better in a way. A cool breeze in summer isn't like a glass of water or a big fan, but it is really wonderful when it's hot and it is actually rare - or it feels like it, when you wait for one anxiously. So I think that this perfectly conveys the message you are trying to convey! I also love how, instead of saying "this person is great" or something, you chose to really show it by using imagery. That was really good and pleasant to read! The last golden leaf in autumn or the star in the cloudy sky also do the same thing, so good job using three different metaphors!
The part about the flower is another metaphor, and yet not perfectly like the ones before, so it is very good that you have this extra space between them. It also does a good work of 'show don't tell' that I always hear about and yet sometimes have trouble doing... And the next part is so sad! This is where the reader realises that, after all you wrote about how special this person is to you, they aren't even looking at you and probably don't know you like them yet! ToT - I am saying 'you' because I do not know if this is a real experience or not, but maybe this is imaginary ; )
I do not really understand why you say, "yet not covered with snow in the winter"...?
Awwww nooo! The first sentence here is so sad again ToT ToT ToT it shows how 'you' are (metaphorically, ofc) dead because of how much love this person, and yet you still hope that they will one day love you back ToT ToT
I'm not a huge fan of the last part, however. The idea behind the image is very strong and a good one, that you are the only sunflower that doesn't look at the sun because this person isn't the sun - but I feel like you could have writen it better. "'cause I know you're not the sun" breaks the flow of this poem and doesn't sound very good. maybe you could try replacing it with something else, not really something completely different but maybe writen differently? Otherwise, this part was very good too!
Hmm I do not understand why you say 'Not' at the beginning of this. Isn't it In every lifetime that you, etc.? The 'Not' also implies that it is not in every season, either. Don't you mean the inverse, that it is in every lifetime that you look for them, love them, etc.? Other than that, the rest of this sentence is great and a really good ending, if not really happy.
Overall, I really enjoyed reading this short poem, and I hope to be reading more of you soon!!! Thank you sm for sharing this! =D
Have a wonderful day
- HMMHhehe the potato
I enjoyed this poem. The seasonal imagery gives the whole piece a consistent sense of longing. I liked the image of “the last golden leaf” falling into the speaker’s trembling palm. It feels delicate and fleeting, which fits the feeling of waiting for someone. The ending stood out to me. “I am the only sunflower that does not look up at the sun” initially seems like it will be a familiar comparison, but the next line turns it around by saying, “’cause I know you’re not the sun.” That makes the speaker’s love feel directed specifically toward this person rather than just comparing them to something beautiful.
My main critique would be to watch the consistency of some of the metaphors and phrasing. The poem moves through several different images, and while they all contribute to the theme, some could be developed a little further rather than being introduced and immediately replaced. The fourth line in particular is carrying several ideas at once. Simplifying it might give the central image more impact. There are also a few places where the wording could be tightened for smoother flow. Still, the seasonal structure works well, and the final line brings the whole poem back to its central idea.
Thank you for the read.
Hello! Wonderful to see your work! I love how many different ways you considered how elements of nature make us feel loved and comfortable, and how some abnormal expressions could do the same (like the sunflower turned down).
I am going to share a few ideas, and I hope at least one might spark some movement in this poem!
First, I remember a teacher mentioning we can often just cut off the first few pages of a story because when we start creating we are often just warming up and only get to the real movement later. Similarly, I am not engaged by the idea of a cool breeze in summer, but I am so intrigued by the leaf that lands in my palm -- this is an image I feel both physically and in my hopeful heart! What if your poem began with that stronger image? Or maybe you can dive back into summer and find another image that works better, that seems more personal and visceral!
The next point I think about is when you switch from placing the object of this poem in nature and start claiming that you, the speaker of the poem, is in nature. I think this is a fair thing to do, but currently you have them in two different seasons when it happens (flower in spring=object and bare tree=speaker). It might feel not only like a smoother transition into the speaker, but also a chance to show their relationship if they are in the same spot as different elements of the same scene, if you can put them in the same season when this transition happens? So maybe the soft flower is being gazed upon by the dead leaves from last fall that still coat the ground during spring showers??
I hope these ideas give you some help! If you have any questions, feel free to reply here or message me.