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"what happened to us?"

by dwyn

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284 Reviews

Points: 4250
Reviews: 284

Mon Jul 17, 2017 10:49 pm
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RubyRed says...

*sad face* <3

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Points: 109
Reviews: 4

Mon Jul 17, 2017 6:37 pm
williamk16 wrote a review...

WELL i can't even say hello until i mention that ending!! Holy, most relateable thing i've seen in a while, sometimes we let opportunities just slip on by. Well done on that anyways;

Hello honestly it was the title that hooked me in to read this piece, even though i keep having to say that because people are really good at doing what is needed for a title to work.

Everyone knows this love, this one time they let someone slip away from there fingers. It's a heart wrenching moment, no matter how strong the bond or how developed the feeling it happens at some point. However it becomes a focal point for a lot of writing and sometimes it becomes difficult to write about because we make it personal. I agree with previous comments about publishing work that is very personal, although most people write for themselves (i am one of those) if we truly want to connect with the audience it's all about keeping it general. The beginning keeps that connection but as it continues it loses the audience.

The emotion is truly there 100% and it tugs on heart strings but it can bring people to tears if accurately directed towards a general audience.

Overall well done without a doubt, and it's good that you write for yourself but when it comes to putting it out there it's difficult unless we project to an audience. Well done, i liked the piece!

dwyn says...

thank you c:

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122 Reviews

Points: 1696
Reviews: 122

Sun Jul 16, 2017 7:56 am
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Wriskypump wrote a review...

I don't recommend it becoming more personal like Morrigan suggested. The first stanza is practically perfect. It gets a little bit lackluster in the final one (maybe you rushed the finish a little bit) but your message is communicated almost effortlessly into my head, so I have to imagine you've done a fine job

dwyn says...

thank you c:

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785 Reviews

Points: 25876
Reviews: 785

Sun Jul 16, 2017 4:05 am
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Morrigan wrote a review...

Ah, unrequited love. This really brings me back, marms. Nice job on the nostalgia bit.

I think that this is a very easy topic to relate to, which is why so many people like it. You do a pretty good job of letting the reader become the narrator. I'm pretty sure most people have been in a situation like this.

That being said, I didn't really get much more out of the poem than a hint of nostalgia. It wasn't particularly interesting in its language or its subject, and that's a big mark against it. I'm not saying that you should get out your thesaurus and change every word that might be considered boring, but there are a few changes you could make that would make this poem better.

I think the main problem I have with this is that it's not personal enough. There's nothing to distinguish the characters within the poem as individuals. They could be any two people, anywhere. While that's nice enough, it doesn't make the poem memorable. Bring the reader into your school, not just any school. Paint us a picture, don't just give us an outline. I want to be there, to see the vanilla-painted cinderblocks of the classroom walls, or the particular corner by Ms. Oslos' classroom where all the nerds congregate. I feel like this poem is very much a setting poem, even though it's about a person. Particularly, it's about a time in life, so if you don't want to make it about specific people, paint the silhouettes into a specific place, you know?

I think that your second stanza is your strongest one. I almost don't think that it needs the disclaimer of the first stanza. It's evident enough from the second that this love is unrequited.

In your description, you describe this as a sort of spoken word, but I don't know if it's destined for that at the time being. Try perhaps adding a little more rhythm, more vocal poetic devices, something that would make me want to hear this aloud. As it is, I don't think that it would benefit me to hear this read aloud. Make me need to hear it.

I feel like the end was a little non sequitur. I want more indication throughout that either the narrator feels guilty or at fault, or that the object of desire feels like there needs to be blame placed for something. It's confusing.

Anyhow, I hope that this review proves useful to you. With a little spit and polish, this poem will shine beautifully. If you have any questions for me, feel free to message me. I enjoyed reading this poem and the nostalgia it brought me. Keep writing!

dwyn says...

Thank you <3

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10 Reviews

Points: 372
Reviews: 10

Sat Jul 15, 2017 12:34 pm
L182 wrote a review...

Hello awesome read!

The way you approached the topic is quite unique , in times past I hadn't read a poem that touched "what happened to us" like this , it was beautiful.

I really like the element of silence being a recurring element , perhaps if you used more metaphors to how silent one remains in these types of situations .

"Song recommendations I sent your way like unspoken diary entries from my heart"
"id bump into you hear a sarcasticcomment fall from your lips and never reply"

Obviously this is your piece and I love how it is! And as a quiet perhaps too quiet person aswell I hope to see more of your stuff soon.

dwyn says...


Opportunity does not knock, it presents itself when you beat down the door.
— Kyle Chandler