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les luttes d'un poète

by Charm



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230 Reviews


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Sat Jun 17, 2017 6:26 am
yellow says...



Beautiful. ❤️




Charm says...


thank you!!!



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Sat Jun 17, 2017 5:07 am
Poopsie wrote a review...



Hi jam!

You seem to have a real cool format going on here. As much as I like the concept of the story you tell here, I can't really attribute anything specific to it. You talk about how hard it is to produce something new, so while I can't really blame you for using this cliche of "This poem is about making poems" the concept is still super overused and not very insightful. I can say that the way you introduce this cliche is pretty neat, but other than that there isn't much to talk about. It's like talking. If you don't have anything to say it doesn't matter how long you talk or the angles you approach your topic from, you still have nothing to say. Okay that sounds a little harsh, but I guess the same approach can be applied to this. You imagery is for the most part strong, it's just that your topic is dull. I'm sure if you were to apply the same skill to another topic it would be wonderful. Anyway that's all I have to say. If you have any questions or if you think i'm totally out of line feel free to call me out. Happy writing.

-poop guy




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Sat Jun 17, 2017 2:16 am
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Lykafaye0221 says...



good job :)




Charm says...


thanks



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Sat Jun 17, 2017 1:02 am
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Kaylaa wrote a review...



This is Nikayla here dropping in for a review as promised.

The title here means 'the struggles of a poet', yes? Makes sense if that's right. It's fitting. I noticed that in this poem you're experimenting with the usage of white space, and I'm interested in how this went down. I know I only skimmed the poem in the pad that you wrote it in, seeing that I wanted to be able to review it with fresh thoughts here, though it seems you took inspiration from the conversation we had with the addition of white space. I'm especially fond of the couplet ending, as the aesthetic there is well-placed and pretty.

I guess there should be a workshop or article on the topic, because not many people use this technique (I know Lumi, Pompadour, and a couple others) and at the moment, it's something that people have to grow into because it's not as well known now, though I hope to mend that. I learned from reading the structure of Lumi and Pomp since they're wonderful examples of using structure not only for an aesthetic, but also for an emotional impact. The subject matter that this poem takes on isn't very new, though it's also not overdone here. I still felt a connection to the topic that you're portraying even though it's already been done before.

What I especially enjoy about the last two stanzas, and what I found to be effective though I don't know if this is intentional or not--the second to last stanza is similar in structure to the last stanza in that the first line is shorter than the second, yet this doesn't become stale because the last stanza makes use of white space. While this poem is effective, I found myself wanting expansion on some lines because while you're effective at minimalism, I sometimes want expansion or fleshing out of certain lines. That's the problem I believe you have with imagery. You're afraid to flesh something out. Afraid to go into more depth.

For example, take the second to last stanza. Let's talk about this example without regards to the fact that I enjoy the structure of it in this part, I think there could be more added onto this. What does this ruins look like? What is this something you're looking for? What does the ruins feel like? Are the feet of the narrator cold? Warm? Is water dripping from the ceilings? Use sensory detail to go into more depth. At the same time, make this depth effective and make it have some sort of meaning behind it, even if it's just to build the atmosphere. That's just an example, though, and there are other places where this could be executed.

Something I'm a little confused by to end this off, is the lack of punctuation at the end of the first stanza? I understand that the dashes are to signify that the line is being continued in the next stanza, though I think it'd make more sense if you ended this with a period there? Same with the fourth stanza, though that's just a preference.

If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.

Image




Charm says...


thank you so much for your review! i'll edit this poem asap and i always struggle with expanding on imagery because i don't really know what to say or want to expand on that area (the ruins, i mean). i'll definitely review with your advice in mind and i know that i need to try new things to get better so i'll go outside my comfort zone.



Charm says...


edit* not review oops




This planet has - or rather had - a problem, which was this: most of the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much all of the time. Many solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were largely concerned with the movement of small green pieces of paper, which was odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of paper that were unhappy.
— Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy