Young Writers Society

We can discuss this at further length in PM if you want, but I've looked over all the versions you've gone through in gdocs and mulled over how to strengthen the piece. Some immediate notes that I think will get some major work done immediately:

1. "the leftovers rotting away" would be better flow-wise if placed as its own sentence (fragmented) as "the leftovers rot(ted) away." however you choose to parse it. It builds the narrative voice with more authority.

2. I agree with your revision that "my" empty jar is better suited, but I'd reorganize it: "My jar, empty" possibly with a descriptor if it fits with the flow.

3. To get the break-the-page effect you want, capture the screen manually and break the crop in the middle of one of the 'loved's. I may have an example later if you want to see what I'm talking about.

4. I think "You ruined me" fits better since you are the marmalade, not the bread.

5. The final line could be better suited in past tense. Experiment with it.

Here's what I appreciate about this piece: you could reorganize it, make it a piecewise puzzle and accomplish the same effect. It doesn't demand narrative flow to accomplish the feeling that it pulls off. This is because most of the lines operate individually in couplets, just smooshed together well. In this vein, if you were to operate on some areas and think it better suited in a different order or flow, then I think that would WORK. It could even be better, ultimately, because it would give you more opportunities to give power to different phrases due to timing.

I hope these notes help.
Ty

Heyo Marmalade, I've come to give you a review.

I think you've got a really nice start to this poem. I like that you keep a theme through the poem, and that it's got a clear tone. I also appreciate that while the message of the poem isn't uplifting, you don't necessarily use images that mirror that. It's actually refreshing.

That being said, I think there are some things you could change to make this better.

First of all, I have some questions about the metaphors. If you're going to use such a strong metaphor to keep a piece together, try not to contradict it. What I'm talking about is when the narrator says they are different things. They start out by saying, "i am the marmalade," and then they say, "the empty jar of my body." While I understand that the empty jar is part of the marmalade image, I think that these two things contradict each other a little. Furthermore, the other person in this piece first spreads the marmalade on bread, but then they are the bread at the end because "crumbs of you" implies that the other person *was* the bread.

I suggest that you tweak this a little to provide more clarity. While I understand that you're using bluewaterlily's first lines, I think they would fit more easily into the poem if you changed them a little. Try "my heart is the marmalade" rather than "i am the marmalade." That way, when we come to the jar line, it's like the marmalade was the jar's insides. So it makes sense that the jar is the body.

As for the bread bit, I really like "crumbs of you," and you obviously see the strength of that, since that's how you titled your poem. I'm not quite sure how to change "whichever bread pleases you" to fit the rest of the metaphor at this time, but again, I suggest you change it a little so the rest of the poem fits it.

I don't think that "scarp" is quite the right word here. Maybe you meant "scrape?" Scarp generally has to do with hills and geology, and I don't think that it fits the feeling you've got going on here.

I have mixed feelings about the "i loved" line. On one hand, I think that it's really indicative of the despair felt by the narrator, used up as they were by this dastardly bread. On the other hand, I don't read the whole thing. I don't read seven instances of "i loved and." My brain skims over them because they're so repetitive.

It kind of works because you counter that extra long line with an extra short, to-the-point line in "you broke me." So I guess I don't know about it, but that's what I think about it. Change it if you want to, or don't. I'm really not sure.

Overall, I enjoyed reading and reviewing this piece. I hope that this review proves useful to you! If you have any questions, please feel free to ask me. Happy writing!