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139,585 Literary Works • 672,611 Reviews
Hiya Manisha and Happy review day ^-^ (I have to do this every review, sorry: Go team Tsunami Tyrants! Woooooo!) Anyhoo, I’m always advertising this: feel free to ask me to review ANYTHING at any time ^-^ I also help with editing, if you’re ever uncertain or exhausted with your work, you can have me examine it and I’ll do my best to give advice. Kay anyhoo, Nippy’s here with encouragement, reviews, criticism and all of that enchanting stuff c:
Frstly, I love how you formatted this! So unique. You have nice poetry, so don’t doubt that at all. Very coherent piece, nice flow, and very artistic verses. I can’t say much to help you improve it honestly. Just Nicely done. Well done, keep writing, and do your best!
~Catnip~
Good description, and great wording. I can really understand the feeling you're trying to portray through the poem. It's the type of thing I can imagine multiple people reading and each taking out a different meaning. For me it seems like you're telling me that nothing is never too late and to never give up on my dreams. I've been needing something like this lately. Very good job!
I am guessing that this poem is supposed give the message of not running away from life. Or the problems that follow it. Or perhaps to decline an offer to go back in time and change reality. Perhaps I am wrong, but the poem does seem to through those feelings to me.
I love the message in this. So strong and I agree full heartedly! I like how you used Pandora's box in this, I think it added a touch of magic. Your poem was worded to well that the message was like a picture, I think that this is what poetry is meant to be. Address something that you want said and say it, just add a little fairy dust to the words and wala. This was a 5.
Wonderfully creative poem, Manisha
I love the flow and imagery of this piece of work. Nice and crisp, yes?
One minor punctuation detail I noticed was the first line of the last stanza. Instead of "On your way paint create and make," you need to add a comma between "way" and "paint", and then also "paint" and "create"; So it would look like "On your way, paint, create and make,". I believe that adding these commas would help smooth this stanza out. Also you may want to consider taking the comma out at the very end of that first line(after make), for I do not believe you need to pause there.
I really love this poem. I love the creativity in it. It is a great poem.
Keeeeeeeep oooon writing
~Rainn
Hello Maisha, I'm here to review. Let me start out with saying that I think it's a great poem with a meaning of dreams and life. There are a bit of sentences that don't make sense like,
"Letting the gains in mind pass by,
Letting desires go by."
The word "Letting" just doesn't let the poem flow. If you changed it to "Let" It would sound a little something more like this:
"Take the run and do it strong,
Let the gains in mind pass by.
Let desires pass by."
It sounds a bit more smooth if you ask me if you changed it to "Let".
You also tend to put periods in the middle of lines and it really gets rid of the flow.
Like for Example:
"Your dream's other parts. And"
It just get rids of the flow when you put a period in the middle of it.
Overall, I like this poem and it uses lots of strong words and gets me to think of vivid, colorful lands and dreams. I like this, 9.5/10
Hello there Man! Dogs here with your review today! Wonderful poem here, I really love your formatting and message that you use in this poem. Some really just wonderful lines, I think my favorite part is when you bring in the bit about Pandora's box, because I love greek mythology. Excellent job in that regard, although I do have a few nit picky points.
"find the future self of your life,"
This line is throwing me off because you've said such a similar one only two lines ago. So it just sounds a little odd. Perhaps say something like "to find the future image of yourself."
"Letting desires go by."
I like the line before this one. The only issue you have here is the repetition of "by." It sounds odd using it a second time, perhaps try using another word.
I really love that third stanza, excellent writing there. It sounds smooth and it has a great message, nice job in that regard.
"Your dream’s other parts. And"
I don't like that you put a period in the middle of a line and started a new sentence. It throws off the flow and looks a little odd, move "and" down to the next line.
Wonderful wonderful ending, although say "a" instead of "ya" Those last two lines are just perfect. I loved reading this piece, let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!
TuckEr EllsworTh
He-llo! I am here to review your work. Now let's see what juicy details I can extract of this poem, shall we?
''Don’t walk through the portal to look
at the past image of your life,
Don’t walk through the portal to
find the future self of your life,
Walk now and see the world shining bright."
-I like what you are portraying here, the way you're describing to the reader, the reasons of why to walk the portal into the present, rather the past or the future.
"Take the run and do it strong,
Letting the gains in mind pass by,
Letting desires go by."
-I like this but I wish you would have given us a bit more details. What gains? Which desires? Why let them go?
"Like Hope in Pandora’s box, let
your dreams stay in thy heart.
Hold it safe and tight even after
any stumble or fall."
-I love the imagery you're giving me here. Definitely my favorite verse...
"On your way paint create and make,
Your dream’s other parts. And
when you get there with
no portal or magic,
Splash the color of ya dream on
The wings of freedom you finally got."
-Splendid at first but the last two stanzas make it feel a bit awkward. I don't know if by ya you meant ye, if so, than it makes perfect sense. But if not, it breaks the rhythm a bit.
Overall, this is a beautiful poem which I truly enjoyed. And this is my review on it.
Hello there and happy review day!
Okay, first to start off, as almost everyone else has said before, your formatting was different. However, different isn't always necessarily a negative thig. Here I felt like the fact that the formatting was unique added to the whole element of a "portal".
Now while reading this, I saw some interesting language. In some cases I say "thy" and in others I saw "ya". I felt that this was a bit off and brought negative attention to the poem. In fact it was one of the first the things I noticed.
Though if this is what you intended, of course it is a-okay.
Also, I would like to commend you on your fairly decent usage of figurative language here! The words and phrases were unique, the formatting was unique and altogether made for a good read.
The format of this poem was a bit different, but I liked he way you did it. I have to congratulate you in the figurative language, referring to Pandora's box. The theme of this poem was an interesting one, and your similes and metaphors really made it interesting. The one thing I will comment on is the format of your last stanza. I don't know if its intentional but it looks a little out of place. Otherwise, this was an amazing poem!
Hellos well as you can guess here I am for review day with a review for you I really hope that it helps you out some.
Sorry but this don’t make no sense to me (Don’t walk through the portal to find the future self of your life,)
(Letting the gains in mind pass by,)The (L) in (Letting) should not be capitalized unless you mint that there should be a period there.
Ok you did it again the Capital thing again but with the (your) in ( Your dream’s other parts)
(Ya) might not be the right thing to use here buddy.
And at the last line the (T) again.
And other wise I really liked it the rimes were awesome.
I hope that I helped out a bit.
Keep writing and good luck.
I'm sure this won't stand up a scratch to anyone else's work!
Forgive my grammar too
Hey Manisha,
I like how you did experiment with the form and aesthetics of your poem, it does make it a little neat to read/cool to look at - the next step from that would be to make meaning from it, so that the poem isn't just words on a page, but also the spaces and lines and breaks between words, etc.
Cute poem
One thing that did stick out to me was the awkwardness and inconsistencies in speech. So this line:
I had to read a couple of times, it's just phrased awkwardly. I recommend just removing "in mind" completely, and it won't detract from the piece at all.
Watch out for that last stanza there where you slip into "thys" and "ya" whilst everywhere else in the poem uses "you/your" -- little things like that are going to make the reader slip out of the poem, and I found it distracting.
All in all, I love the fantastical element of it and I like the concept of stepping through portals and creating your dreams - it's a nice breather that has a positive feel to it, and I always *love* to come across these poems. I'd say in later revisions, or even for your next piece, try experimenting without the rhymes and by utilizing more imagery. I think here, the rhymes were okay -- nothing particularly new or spectacular -- and while I liked the concept of the piece, it got to be too narrative/too telling, and not enough showing. Like, I don't want a speech or moral summary, I want an experience. The way to do that is by implementing more imagery. More fantasy. What does stepping through the portal feel like, taste like, sound like, smells like, etc.
I hope this helps ^^ Also, feel free to let me know if you have any questions or concerns or if you would like to chat it out.
~ as always, Audy