i feel really very self-conscious about this poem. I would really appreciate reviews as i really need help for this!
I held his hand tight in mine
Humming a tune he loved
Iooking up to see him, just as
he averted his eyes. I knew he
Wept sobbed and screamed, hidden
behind that impassive face he wore
Hurting himself so hard.
I wanted to shake him,
Shake him and shake him
Until the tears would flow ceaselessly.
I wanted to tell him it was ok to cry,
All right to let go of the pain.
Everyone had to take the
Bumps and humps, sometimes even
Stumble and fall.
Today, he felt the sting of lose
Not able to come out of the
Trance hurt brought along with it.
I could have told him it was going to be ok.
Told him I was there. Instead, we sat in silence
With only our breaths letting us know
We were alive and living.
Silence seems to overtake the
Moment, a bizarre few moments where
Everything seemed serene around us.
It felt like an hour had passed
When he finally spoke,
“You will always be there, wont you?”
A simple questions whose answer
make a great difference to the heart.
I nodded slowly my eyes speaking
the words. And then there
was the silence again.
I watched as his eyes turned moist,
The tears finally coming. The
Silence itself had been a remedy,
A cure to the sting.
I hugged him close to heart
letting him know, without the words, it was ok.
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139,679 Literary Works • 672,648 Reviews
YAAYYYYY
This is really good! I liked the over all theme of the poem and I think you pulled it of really well.
There are just a few things that I would like to pick out.
1) the flow needs a bit of work. It is really good in some parts but then in others it seems as if you have forgotten it. I think to help this you should take out a few words or add a few words. For example.
I looked up to see him, just as
He averted his eyes. I knew he
Wept sobbed and screamed, hidden
Behind that impassive face he wore.
It hurt to see him like this, hurting
this needs a bit of tweeking. possibly try something like
I looked up to him, just as
he averted his eyes.I knew he
wept, sobbed and screamed,hidden
behind that impassive face of his
It hurt me to see him hurting.
It just seems to help the flow a bit better and as you can it doesn't change much from the original.
2) there seems to be a lot of sentences stopping and startign in weird places. Try and get one sentence on one line or two, don't start one in the middle. This is just what I like and for me makes reading and the flow easier.
I am not saying you have to do this and if it works then that is fine but sometimes it doesn't
Like
I watched as his eyes turned moist,
The tears finally coming. The
Silence itself had been a remedy,
A cure to the sting. I hugged
Him close to heart letting him know,
this is for seperated and in particuliarly the last two lines for me feel as if they are two different things.
3) there are a few grammatical errors which are easily fixed up. also a few sentences dont make sense but with a quick tweek they will. In some cases it is jsut a matter of adding in 'the' or 'my' or 'and'.
I do really like this poem especailly the second last stanza. You don't have to listen to a single word I said and i understand if you don't want to change anything as it is your poem.
Anyway help this helps a bit.
Love Nargles xxx
thanks loads for the badly needed review! i edited it a bit and hope that works.
OK first off let me just start by saying there is nothing bad about this poem. It justs needs a bit of work in some areas. In the top section it has unfinished lines that don't really fit in with the vibe of the poem. But I can't really flaw this poem that much anymore than that so let me just say the good things
. This is a very great poem that sparked something inside me. It sounded like a real story that you wrote in the form of a poem. It sounds quite old fashioned and I don't hear that often in poems these days.
Well anyway this was really good. Keep it up!
Jordan