The deity of light and shine ebbs
away in a stretch of orange,
irregular and far, hurling a
translucent grey all across the
canvas sky, cloaking man under
nights first breaths in lovely form of dusk.
Men and ladies dotted in the distance
their dark silhouette well defined.
Ghostly clouds hung above, casting
shadows on the water down.
Creators living creations stand enthralled,
in awe of the immense magnificence the
world bestowed. Eyes could not
beseech more, strained from the beauty
of the goddess herself- an artist,
a sculptor, an architect, a designer, a mother-
her name wildly known as Nature
Wow a very beautiful poem. Very nice and thoughtful of a poem i should say. It has no mistakes but you can improve it a bit by distributing the lines in more than two stanzas since there are a good number of lines and that way the poem will look less bulky.
Overall good work and I have nothing much to say but really well done!
I don't particularly think the review before this really did you or this poem any justice. It touched on some of the structure which, in poetry, really should only play so much of a factor, and it discussed your over-the-top imagery.
But imagery is essential to poetry. Especially good poetry.
I, personally, saw a lot of potential in the way you wrote this. The way you tried to take certain aspects of light and darkness and used other, more starker images like canvas and cloaks to give way to the idea of what you were trying to create. A bit pitchy? Yes. Getting the right concept though? You gotcha.
Mind you, the topic of the poem was weak. You need to find a really strong, inner theme to be able to write a poem that really aches. This poem, though gorgeous in most of it's aesthetics, lacked a lot when it came to really being something relatable. Nature is beautiful, and to think of nature as something ethereal is a thought most people often put towards it, but this poem lacks something very specific. Emotion.
I was disappointed by the lack of emotional imagery, or the fact that you threw in that second facet but left so much room for others to be entwined that just never did.
Now, there are a few seconds where your wording get's a bit rough and cuts away from the aesthetically pleasing nature of this poem. For instance;
The deity of light and shine ebbs
Meh.
This is ok, but I think you need to improve your use of words. You seem to be over exaggerating the language a bit too much. I get that this is probably dramatic poetry, but some of it is just a little bit...well, dramatic.
I don't get much meaning across from the narrator because what he's talking about is lost within layers and layers of confusing language.
I also don't really like how you have structured your piece- why do some lines begin with a space while others begin without? You need to make it more subtle, or don't involve it at all.
Your theme of nature doesn't really shine through in this poem. It seems like a bunch of fancy looking ideas about nature (clouds, dusk, silhouettes of sky) put together without a pattern or a meaning. Why do you describe nature as four things linked to creating art, and at the end describe nature as a "mother"? Shouldn't, technically speaking, the idea of nature link to that of a mother? Maybe you are trying to do something clever, but in the end it just seems a bit pointless.
Of course, your language is nice, but it is overwritten in my opinion. I am kind of lost, to be honest with you. Perhaps if you could clarify what you were trying to get across with this poem.
Oh. And another few stanzas would have been nice.
5/10
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