I want to be punished no more, Daddy.

Hello. Kanome here with a review for you.

First off, this is really sad.. I felt the pain she had because I used to be in this situation before. This poem connects with readers with the same experience in real life, which draws many attention to the readers.

I like the wording in this.

There is dialogue, then there's action being taken. It's like telling a story in poem form.

I can't wait to read more of your work. I love this poem a lot.

Keep up the good work c:

-K

It's been six months since this was posted, and I am lucky to read this right now! Couldn't resist commenting on this brilliant poem! Simply outstanding!

The Knight Messenger here to give you the last of three reviews for the KotGR's.
So, this was . . . pretty sad and emotional. I loved the way you did it. I don't see any periods though except for when there are the girl/boy's thoughts. I don't know if that was on purpose or not, but it would make it better punctuational.
I thought the way you wrote it was clever, and I can totally understand what is happening. The lines where the child thinks is really well done as well. I could see other ways you might've written it, but you definitely chose the best way in my opinion. I see you already got some great reviews, so all I have to say is:
Keep it up!

Hey Manisha! Here's yet another one of the three reviews you will get for submitting this piece to the KOTGR library.

Hope I do okay.

I want to gush and tell you that this is an amazing piece of work, but that won't help you, and it won't exactly be a review. This is wonderful, but everything always has room for improvement.

I have written some poems from a first-person point-of-view, and while they are some of my best, I don't really like them. First person can be great, but it can also be a hassle. While showing how someone is experiencing something can really move a reader, what about the other people in the narration? What is going through the heads of the mother and father? Why does the mother stay with a guy who drinks and hits her kid? You open up those questions and they remain unanswered.
While it's great that we get to see what is going through the little girls head (I'm assuming it's a girl) we have these two other characters who really have no depth. First person can be good, but it always leaves unanswered questions.

***

I see a shred in your hands.

Hey, Knight Manisha! This is one of the three reviews you'll be rewarded for entering our honorable contest. Good luck earning the Scribe Badge! Also, make sure you stop by and review some of the other entries in the name of the loyalty of the Knights, okay? We miss hearing about your daring battles and other exploits!

So, you've gotten a ton of positive feedback on this poem, and I think it's founded: you lay forward a scary situation pretty plainly. You make the narrative plain while still sticking in a character's voice. It's also a situation that many people, on some level, can relate to because they've experienced it in their own lives.

As you move forward in your study of poetry, though, you'll want to consider some things! For example, having a person describe everything that happens in a situation is kind of odd. Do you see people going around saying, "Now I'm cooking breakfast and you're looking at me because you are hungry and I'm cracking the eggs, so why don't you just simmer down?"?? Haha, you don't, do you? That's the way this poem came off when it was trying to cover narrative and response and voice all at the same time. I wonder what this poem would be like if you got a narrative voice to talk about the things that happened.

Next, this is a sad topic and a common topic. The problem with sad, common topics is that lots and lots of people write about them. The problem with lots and lots of people writing about them is that they usually take up all the good words first, and when we try to write about them today, we somehow end up using exactly the same words they did without discovering anything new. When you want to cover a common topic like this, you generally have to attack it from a different angle. For example, maybe you look at the events from a different place. Instead of watching it normally like a movie playing out, maybe you see everything from inside one of the pieces of the broken glass or something like that. Instead of actually watching the fight, maybe you only hear it through the walls -- when it first started you thought it was just a dad and daughter fighting about homework or something, etc. You know? You have to find a new way to to take it. Get the emotion out~

I hope this review has been helpful to you, Knight Manisha! Again, good luck and keep writing!

Wow! Emotion is definitely here. You must have deep feeling about child abuse. I really love this poem because I could imagine that's how an abused child feels. It is wonderful poetry and your an amazing poet! I can't wait to read more of your writing! Great job! You really are good! I hope you keep writing! Great job! Keep writing!

From,
Buddy886551

Incredible. I love the way you made the girl sound so innocent and the father so monstrous, literally saying he sounds like a monster. Tough stuff. I applaud you greatly on being able to write about an issue such as child abuse. *mad claps* Way to go!

It's a pretty poem. I feel almost the same way. I like how you put in your emotions

Wow, like just wow. This literally brought me to tears. I can't even explain all the emotion put into this, it kind of just all poured out my eyes.

This was just so amazing, its so sad, but then again I love that about this. I love all the emotion and time you've put into this poem. I can't really write them myself, but, this was just wow.

I love the effect the italics gave off when the little child thought, it just made this piece. I don't actually think it found anything at all wrong with this beautiful poem, it was just great!

"I see a shred in your hands.

My skin is ripped open

Don’t daddy, it hurts!"

This part just made me break down, it was so moving and wonderfully written! I kept reading it over and over again. Just so amazing.

So, overall, you did just an amazing job, and you should be very proud of this wonderfully amazing piece!

Winter~

Wow.

I love, absolutely love, how you used the italics to show the child thinking and/or speaking. This poem has so many good qualities, I truly could not find something I did not like! And I really searched! It's just so full of emotions, it makes me want to cry!

There is a place in this poem full of nearly non-exsistent hope so happy and sad all at the same time, I didn't know what to think. It's my favorite section!

I hold on

mommy will be home soon

and she will tend to me again.

She will make me promise

to speak of this to no one.

I do that daddy because I love you.

Well well well, I kept seeing people comment on this and I was wondering what was so grat about it. At first i thought It might have been something kinky... you know from the title.. it could be kinky.

But anyway, after reading this I see it is very well done. you really capture the essence. I like how by writing something simple like

A bottle clanks

When will you ever stop drinking daddy?

A bottle clanks.

glass shatters.

I see a shred in your hands.

My skin is ripped open,

Don’t daddy, it hurts!

Wow, that was a really sad poem. I could feel really connect with the speaker's emotions. I can also see how you've made this poem a never-ending cycle of madness.

It sounds like the speaker could be a child or that in their mind they are a child. They could be a teenager, or even adult-- but I like the ambiguity of it all. I like how the poem sticks to one thing, and that's the father being abusive and the child question why he keeps hurting him/her.

I wonder why the mother is letting her child be abused by the father? Is she afraid of him or does she want to protect him like the child "protects" the father.

A teensy-weensy very-not-important thing I would change is putting an exclamation mark at the end of the 'slaps' at the beginning of the poem, so that it makes more sense...or makes it seem more, exciting... Anyway, I'm done. Good poem!

Hi Manisha

Wow. Just... Wow. My friend made a poem like this once called 'Sadat, Why Do You Hurt Mommy?' She read it in front of the entire creative writing class. By the time she finished, everyone was sobbing. It was just so powerful and personal. This is much like that one. In fact, the only reason why I'm not crying right now is because I'm sitting here with my parents and I don't particularly want to explain why I'm crying. This was a fantastic poem.

Now, onto the nitpicks...

'What wrong have I done, daddy?'

I would suggest changing that to 'What have I done wrong Daddy?'. It sounds more like something a little kid would say.

'I do that daddy because I love you.'

I would suggest capitalizing 'daddy'.

I would also suggest capitalizing 'mommy' since 'daddy' is capitalized throughout the poem. Also, you may want to keep a consistent beginning, either capitalized or not, but not the mixture that you have now, to help with continuity.

Overall, this was an amazing poem that was deep and personal. Very well done.

~Pen

This poem was so powerful. i admire the way you started off on a tone you intended to keep throughout. I admire the way we see that the child has so much love for his father he is willing to keep his abuse a secret.

I also enjoyed the swapping from narrative to first person. Although the poem was quite short i felt it portrayed the contrast between the fathers violence and the child innocence and acceptance.

i like how you give subtle hints instead of saying things straight out " I know where you are going When will you ever stop drinking daddy?"

I really enjoyed this poem, besides its vulgar topic.

Hey, Blablabl92 here! I really like this poem! I also love that you put the girl's (I think its a girl) thought in this. "What wrong have I done Daddy?" Sadly, this poem happens in real life sometimes, which is revolting. I think this poem that you wrote makes people realize that this happens. Then those people think, "that is so sad". I think this poem really touches people's emotions. I love it when poems do that! This poem makes me think of a dark room, with a man, empty bottle in one hand, fist in other, punching a girl. SO sad.

AWESOME poem,

Blablabl92

Hey Manisha, this one is a little hard-hitting and hard to read. (in a good way)

However, if I where to suggest a change in the content it would most defiantly be the tone. The Thump, doesn't seem too terrifying it almost seems childish and play-like. Its good for its own reasons, making it unique but I would argue that it is not the best tone for its content.

I think images and some real terrifying emotion would do well with this piece. When I think about the helpless girl its so emotionally hard-hitting that it puts it out of the realm of contemporary works. It deserves respect in that way. What would be perfect is to grasp the essence of a little girl and include a more serious hard-hitting tone described above.

The other thing, which is a bit nit-picky is that you switch from a narrator to the girl in first person:
"Something warm and soft hits me
the food I cooked for you"

-It is like you are telling the story now, and not the narrator.

Things like
I see a shred in your hands.
My skin is ripped open

Shred seems a little out of place, for example "I see a shred of glass" would be better, but redundant in this case.

Very good poem, glad I read it.

-Hero

Hey Mani .. Great piece of work .. I really loved this ..
Proud of you !!

First this bought nearly brought me to tears. It was so suspenseful right on the first sentence. But the title kind of confused me so I had to read it again and it's the hook.

Hey! Lillie here to review your work! Well, I should get started!

First off, I would like to say that your work almost brought me to tears. This can be a very sensitive topic for some people, and somewhat for me. My dad is a drunk, who I actually haven't seen in years, so this was really close to home for me.

Now, the things I didn't like. At the part, "Someone yells, Something loud," It seems to me as that part is sort of choppy. Those two lines, at least the way they are split, don't really flow in my mind. Also, at the part where it says: "glass shatters," I think it might sound a little bit better if it said something like: "and glass shatters" or a variation of that. You might want to fix those things. Other than those two things, that was all I could find that I didn't like/could be fixed.

And last, but definitely not least, the things I liked! I loved how you wrote the poem in the girl's perspective, enabling the reader to fully understand what she is going through. It's almost as if you can feel the pain she is going through. I also liked how you described the mother as the one that stops the dad from continuing his actions, and the savior of her daughter. The mother obviously plays a very important role in her daughter's life, both physically and emotionally. It's sort of like a hero vs. villain scenario, the mother being the hero, the father being the villain, and their innocent little girl being the victim of the villain's wrongdoings.

Overall, this was a very interesting and wonderful poem, and I hope to see you publish even more wonderful works in the future!

~~Love,
Lillie <3

hi manisha!

great work. You made me emotional. what a great poem it is! i liked it. you have written it very beautifully. Right from the starting, an interest kind of thing started generates inside the reader's frame. this work is exceptionally good. i will give you ten outta ten bournvilles for such type of exceptional work. i am also gonna read your remaining poems.......you are very good in this genre.

overall your poem is too good as i mentioned earlier. keep writing. and congratz for getting your work featured. and one more congratz for review day. i am in your team.

awwwwwwwwww.feel like crying,that girl must have suffered pretty bad when her dad was in bad shape,really feel for her.Do you know why i like this work?because its a reflection of what happens i our society today-----its cool and by the way,nice avatar-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------will like to read more of your work

Different, interesting and painful to the eyes....The reference to the abuses through indirect words, good job....the starting lines are very well written...It begins with a demand for justification by the little girl...She challenges the authority of her father...and the next line completely alleviates the mood surged in this line with just one word "slap"...I also liked the use of the word "someone" to refer to the father, which implies a generalisation of the fatherly figure who is dominating, abusive and a substance abuser, making him not confined only to the poem but portraying him as the "someone" present in every other house of the world...

I found the timid figure of the mother specific to the poem and not as a generalised figure...(You could have done that too like you did with the figure of the father)....But in spite of that, I found the submissive figure of the mother quite appealing, as inherent in a patriarchal society...

The ending is remarkable...It ends with a sense of rebellion on the girl's part...The act of rising against injustice is well reflected in this line "I want to be punished no more."

keep writing!!!!:-)

Perhaps what makes this poem different from other poems I've come across about domestic violence is that the situation is seen through the eyes of a child. You make a strong point when you describe a situation in the first person. The innocence, the confusion of the child dominate the poem throughout.

mommy will be home soon
and she will tend to me again.
She will make me promise
to speak of this to no one.