I need to kill.

Hey there!!! MysteryMe, here for a review!!!

Wow... I must say, this poem had a very interesting take on human nature, and I must say (almost regretfully) that I agree with it. Violence and aggression (almost like animals) is a dark side to being human, and you displayed that message perfectly. Great job with this, it almost left my speechless.

...

"Ask me why I kill,

why the need.

No

Ask me what I need to kill.

I’ll tell you. With no tongue coated in lies,

sans all rational human thinking,

only with the raw instinct of a beast."

This was my favorite part of your poem. It held so much truth, and the message was very strongly supported. It showed that humans don't really know why we kill, we just do it, because it's part of our instincts. The words you used and the details you included were brilliant. Really great job on it.

...

"I’m at war and I need to kill-

the hate that clouds the brain from thoughts,

the black tar jealously that weighs down my soul;

the sickly self-pity that inks my blood,

pumped everywhere and reaching out as tears – on and on.

All the evil that I’ve welcomed, knowingly, unknowingly, inside."

Now that was beautiful. The imagery and metaphoric language you used was stunning. 'Black tar jealousy,' 'inks my blood,' 'reaching out as tears,' all of it was amazing. You really have a way with words. I thought this was all amazing.

...

In terms of flow, you could use some improvement, but all and all its not that big of a deal. I still thought this was great.

Well, hope this helped you!!!! Keep writing!!!!

Well Misha... what's gotten into you? This seems quite savage from your normal attitude.
I am going to be slightly harsh on you, since I know you, and frankly, I am a mean.

Overall I feel that this poem goes nowhere. I think you have tossed in a bunch of semi-poetic verses, but it ultimately doesn't say anything to me. It doesn't convey anything.
Of course you could argue its about an instinctive drive that is shares by beings of intelligence and beasts alike, but I still feel it doesn't cut it.

You do not justify your poem. You say you NEED to kill, but you don't show us these needs. You don't supply us with reason or justification in your words which is what ultimately makes these... well just words.

In all honesty I didn't like it, not only for the lack of substance behind the face of the poem, but also because the topic reminds me of a flowery or fantastical notion. More like something behind a character in a story that you try to put into a poem but doesn't exactly work out so well. This makes me especially disagree because you labelled this realistic, and to be honest, in life form instinct, a need to kill is not something I believe exists. It is a need to survive that exists in life, and the need to kill only arises if it is relevant to survival.

In your final stanza you change it to killing the negative aspects of people. But I feel this breaks the entire poem, because emotions as complex as this have no presence in animals. Killing these powerful emotion would only make that person weaker, as it is these that drive us. They drive us to survive.

I think that your actual writing can be reflected as good, and it would work better when put to use in something with a more solid idea behind it. Sorry for being so horrible, but you know me. I am honestly blunt.
Ahaha.

Hello there!
Rachel here to review!

I really like this piece you've written. Though it's written about such a barbaric and crude subject, it's very thought provoking. I like that you are "killing" the hatred, and the self-pity, etc. I spent the first part of the poem thinking you were talking about the evil/dark side of all mankind, but then I realized that you were referring to the war against our own selves.Great job.
Just a few technical errors:

I think you left out a word here:

I have my blades sharpened ;

war armor strapped to my body –

Need for the sins to go

to be

a human, an animal.

I don't know if it was by choice or if the editor screwed you over but I don't understand the structure of this poem whatsoever. If it is by choice then I think you can just read over it yourself and clean it up a bit.

I think the subject matter of this is very interesting.

I really like this part:

"It is here in me, in you,

in the holy man who reads scriptures,

in the scarred man behind bars."

Very nice and original description. It would be cool if you kept that same kind of flow and or description int he rest of the piece.

I think it would be good though if you touched on how society makes humans seem superior to animals or makes it seem so that this need to kill and destroy is what separates us from them.

Also the line:

"the black tar jealously that weighs down my soul;"

Sounds like it could be a lyric in a death metal song or something. I think it's a bit funny and i giggled a bit when I read it. If that wasn't your intentions then you might want to change how you describe the idea you are trying to convey. This is because that line right there is pretty much the first cliche thing people thing you when it comes to writing poetry.

Overall I really like the subject of this poem but you need to clean up the structure a lot and work on some of your descriptions.

Manisha,

Great poetry in, I Need To Kill! The first thing that I thought of was Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets because of the basilisk which Harry can hear because he speaks and understands Parseltongue. What hears has to do with its need to kill. But since I know that your poem is not exactly about the basilisk, I will get on with my review. Were your indentations deliberate? I saw that in your poem, you indented some of your lines, well, most of your lines. When reading the poem, the reader may get distracted by the sudden change of alignment in your poetry. I probably do not have the amount of experience as you in poetry, but so far, I haven't seen indenting in poems. If there is some sort of mechanics to this, please let me know. I also noticed that you didn't capitalize or keep lowercase the first letter of each line. In most poetry, the writer sticks to one or the other. Was this deliberate? I think that this is a great poem, albeit a bit grave, but you really have nothing to change in the poem. Great job and continue to write!

~ Magenta

P.S. IF you want to, can you review my poem, Mirage? If you like it or have things to add, please do not hesitate to review... Thanks!