There are unwanted times
when I stand behind the railings,
looking down at the pulse threatening fall.
A confused wish flutters through my weak mind,
a dark desire for the railings to give way.
But before I could wish for more,
I’m plunged down deep recklessly.
Yet as my nature gives it
my heart and hands grope frantically,
To hold on to something,
To keep the end at bay.
Just as I am fighting universe mid air,
the dreams I have come flooding over me.
A sudden hope surfaces,
a hope that the intensity of my ambitions
will keep me from crashing to my death.
But thoughts are for passing moments,
as earth envelopes my essence.
Life ebbs and fades away,
as the blood gushes to my brain.
My breaths silenced,
I'm silenced.
My dreams unfulfilled
an inevitable stop.
I am standing at the top of a building and
I have a confused desire.
But I step back and wish
for the railings to not give way.
For I know with the fall to my death,
My dreams fall to their end too.
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139,536 Literary Works • 672,600 Reviews
This is wonderful! I really enjoyed it. Your imagery is fluid and beautiful and your ideas are clearly expressed so my critiques are mostly grammar related.
I agree with thersites that you should play around with your line breaks a bit and see if you can get it flowing better, but don't worry too much - it's great as is anyway.
Something you do really well is build an image of the ocean;
These images are wonderful, but my advice would be to limit the ocean imagery to the dream-like parts of your poem. i.e. from "But before I could wish for more,
I’m plunged down deep recklessly." to "an inevitable stop."
This will make a clear distinction between reality and metaphor. Water imagery is also really wonderful for such a trance-like poem, as it flows and wavers like a dream does.
I hope you find this helpful!
I really loved this! Keep writing!
- pigeon
Hey, Manisha!
Okay, here to review. :3
As the first stanza, I can clearly understand where you're going with this. Well, at least I think. Normally, I'm not much of poetry kinda gal so there are a few times where poetry might get me confused with it's creative words and stretched synonyms. I'm guessing that this is suicide, no? Wanting to fall and end things but due to the nature of humans, we are programed to fight and live, to want to live and survive. Then again, that's what all living things do. No one ever really wants to die, lol. Anyway, it's pretty good so far.
I noticed a bit of typos with this stanza. Maybe you should try to work with the fluidity of this overall by reading out loud or seeing weather or not certain words or phrases 'sound' good together. Sometimes, just listening to the flow of the sentence can help track weather it's written correctly or not - something I've learned while studying different languages. ^^ When I speak in another tongue and what I say comes out awkwardly, then I'm sure I've said that wrong, no matter how much time I spent into constructing my sentence in my head before saying it. It's difficult. ;___;
Anyway, fluidity and grammar might be something you'll need to work on a bit so keep it as a note for the future. ^^
Okay, I like this ending and honestly, as soon as I finished the first stanza, I realized what was going to happen in the end. This poem was predictable but it wasn't all that bad either. ^^ Overall, the message to it was given quite clearly.
A few things you might want to work on is what I've already mentioned with typos, fluidity and your imagery is very good but I did feel like there was something missing to the piece, I think it needs a little extra something to give it that initial 'umph' but I can't pin-point the exact reason behind this. Oh, well, it could just be me, lol. Anyway, I did enjoy reading this poem. Thank you for the request!
Let me know if you need anything else!
All the best,
-Pink
I thoroughly enjoyed this piece. The imagery was brilliant, and definitely made the reality tangible. The story line itself made the piece feel like an actuality when it turned out to be a convoluted daydream, and that I love. The experimentation with blurring the line between reality and a daydream worked well, and how you sharpened it at the end was riveting.
On a technical note, I would go back through and read the poem out loud. I think you might hear a few mistakes or typos or what have you. Also I would experiment with break positioning. I learned recently to stop caring about how the poem looks as a shape on the page, and to start focusing on what each point or line is emphasizing. I also recently learned about not capitalizing the first letter of every line can help the piece flow visually and can help with the enjambment of lines without having to use too much punctuation. Uncapitalizing can help get rid of commas especially. Keep up the good work, and if you have time I would be honored if you would give my portfolio a gander.
Thers.
First I would like to say that this poem was amazing. But the beginning confused me a little. I wasn't completely understanding where she was falling FROM. In the last stanza it says that she was thinking about jumping from the top of some high up building but in the first it says
But than in your last stanza you say So do you see where my thoughts got a little confused?