A/N: I don't write poetry much, so rip this piece to shreds. I felt like I needed to write some poetry to practice, that's literally it. [s]i also feel like empress maria would write this as well [/s]
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I am acting
Her claws retracting
This is pretending
My act suspending
Why can't we be friends?
Bloodlust drips from her silky voice
It ends up leaving me no choice
Let me do what's done
Won't it be so fun?
Let's put on a fancy show
Just you and I will have to know.
Give me the old gilded knife
Finish the eternal strife
Between her, me, you
May my haunting loom
Can't we play some more?
You're being such a bore.
She's attracting unwanted attention
This and only, can I mention?
Impatience is the virtue of a killer
Trust me not, her life's end will be a thriller
One
Two
Three,
Why won't you just count with me, please?
Four
Five
Six
Do you want me to show my tricks?
Seven
Eight
Nine
What's staining her shirt isn't wine.
Ten
Eleven
Twelve
My hand now leaves the helve.
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Canary word: Present
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Hi there!
So first of all, I'd suggest giving this a content rating for violence. You're not super-explicit about it, so maybe 12+ or 16+, just to let people know because it's pretty dark.
ANYWAY.
I actually had to look up the word "helve," so kudos to you for finding a rhyme for "twelve" that tied in so neatly to your poem! That line still reads a little awkwardly, I think because of "my hand now leaves" being awkward phrasing for what you're describing. Maybe something along the lines of "and I release the helve" would make this less awkward because it's a more common construction.
I thought the intended story was fairly clear, except that I'm not sure if the narrator killed her friend on her own or if someone else persuaded her to do it. These lines make it sound like perhaps someone else is involved.
I'm not sure if these lines refer to a third person who convinces the narrator to kill her friend, or if they're supposed to refer to the friend and are the reason the narrator kills her. I'm also unclear of the general age of the narrator; the counting and "won't you be my friend" and "you're being such a bore" puts me in mind of a little kid (the creepy, horror-movie kind), but the mention of wine and the "eternal strife" between three people puts me in mind of someone older. Perhaps you intended to leave this vague for creepiness factor, but it's something to consider.
Thank you for your review. And I also changed the rating of my work.
Awesome
Hello, manilla. I am here to provide you a review. Let’s get started, shall we?
I. CLARITY & MESSAGE
Okay, I had to re-read this a few times to figure out what the speaker is saying, and from what I can tell, this is about the speaker having the urge to kill their friend. Or having some thoughts about it. The message is somewhat clear, but like I said, I had to read over more than once just to understand what the message was here until I finally got it so it could help to make the message more clear next time, only because I thought it went from one topic to another topic. But that’s just me. ( I am kind of slow, lel. )
II. TONE
The tone of the story was dark and kind of worrying to me. I can’t tell if the speaker actually killed their friend or if the person is having dark and devious thoughts of doing it. It got me curious onto which one it will be. Hopefully, you’d be able to explain that to me.
III. STRUCTURE
I loved the rhyming scheme you did here, but instead of capitalizing every line, you should’ve just let it go with the flow ( free-flowing ). For example:
Take this stanza for example. You can re-write in a way that it just flows. Like this:
I am acting, her claws retracting
This is pretending, my act is suspending
Also, this will bring out more of the tone in the poem.
Lastly, you should space your poem after each stanza, it will be easier for your readers to read your poem, and it will also be good breaking points.
IV. OVERALL
Overall, this poem was not that bad. There is room for improvement for any future poems if you choose to write them. Just make sure you make the message clear. Theme is important. The tone was amazingly dark and twisted, I love it. Also, with the structure of the poem, let it just free flow, don’t keep it so limited and be sure to space after each stanza. Other than that, keep up the great work. You have great potential when it comes to writing poetry. Keep writing and enjoy the rest of your day.
- Kanome
About whether the speaker kills someone or not is up for interpretation. That's the main noodle of things when I write poetry - There's room for confusion.
Thank you
I'm sorry for writing this it's so edgy