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139,407 Literary Works • 672,552 Reviews
Hey, creativity!
The dark tone of the poem really sets the mood from the first line. You've managed to use some great rhyming here and I simply love the entire context of the poem. You've got a great taste for words and they are all used effectively to add to the cringe that this poem gives me.
I love the story about the seemingly undead souls and the persona's disregard for the world outside. It's almost philosophical even, and urges my mind to ponder over the various facts of life. I don't think this poem needs any retouching or correcting since I feel it's really good as it is. This is quite a read for me and I've enjoyed reading every word.
Thanks for sharing and keep the ink flowing
Murtuza
I must agree with Hudz. It is VERY creepy, but then again it's like a pretty sort of creepy, that's also fun at the same time (If that makes any sense at all. haha). I have to say, your use of dark imagery is quite spectacular, and it reminds of something I'd read during Halloween.
Now on to the review.
I really like this stanza actually.
The ending is really abrupt; it would be good if it was placed somewhere else, but having it as the ending made the flow of the poem stop with a screeching halt, if you know what I mean. I would suggest simply switching the last two lines. Something like:
We broke out of our wooden crates.
Now let's dance to music that they hate.
...Or, well, something like that. But then again, the wooden crates line doesn't really fit in to that stanza, or perhaps that's just me. Haha. XD Otherwise, I really enjoyed it! It flowed smoothly and I could tell that it was fun for you to write!
Keep them coming!
~theLockedLibrary
thats creepy yet nicely put at the same time..... i cant even see something wrong with it
your good at writing. I especially love the first two paragraphs.
X
Hudz