Shadows dance spectral waltzes
on the fields I leave behind me.
I am cold.
Soda-can-fresh-from-the-gas-station-soda-machine
cold.
Empty hands draped over the steering wheel.
Lonesome eyes
with trapped shadows pooling at the edges.
Bruised lips with delicate teeth-marks.
Sleeve rustles in the wind streaming through.
I am shivering,
but I do not roll the window up.
Why I do not roll the window up,
I do not know.
I do not want to roll the window up.
Wind rinses the wheat fields in pale waves.
A skeleton tree slumps in the midst,
barren scrawny arms stretched wide.
Shadows flicker beneath.
I am going away now,
into the shade beneath the tree.
I am plunging into the shadows,
white hands closing on dark nothingness,
bleak eyes staring at nothing,
slippery ebony oil between my toes.
Gliding down.
Falling away...
The car behind me honks.
My foot leaps to the gas pedal.
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139,407 Literary Works • 672,552 Reviews
GOOD STUFF:
1. Conventions
2. Imagery
3. Connecting with the reader
BAD STUFF:
1. Flow was little choppy
2. Layout was a bit scattered
I enjoyed reading this piece and how you wrote it so vividly. You have a talent here, and I hope to read more of your work.
My rating: 4.8*s
Keep it up!
w&w
GOOD STUFF:
1. Conventions
2. Imagery
3. Connecting with the reader
BAD STUFF:
1. Flow was little choppy
2. Layout was a bit scattered
I enjoyed reading this piece and how you wrote it so vividly.
My rating: 4.8*s
Keep it up!
w&w
I really like this. It's got a nice rhythm, even though it's free verse. I like the imagery created in your descriptions of the shadows and everything you feel. When I read it, I feel like I'm sinking into a deep blue ocean, or a black abyss. WHat you've tried with the style, too, I think has worked. I don't think I've read any of your other poems, at least not lately, so I don't really have a frame of reference, but I think I know what you mean with the different style. Like in the second stanza where you italicize the soda part. It was weird, but it helped create a cool effect. I like the style and narrative. Nice poem.
This... is really good. There's a lot of stuff going on in this poem, and it took me a couple of read-throughs to fully understand all of it, but it was worth it.
First off I'd like to say that your imagery is excellent. I love the way you brought the poem to life, especially lines like "shadows dance spectral waltzes" and "a skeleton tree slumps in the midst." Also, the way you described being cold as a soda can fresh out of a machine, that was some very creative imagery.
I also love how the whole thing seems to take place in a tiny span of time, how it focuses more on how the driver (I assume) is feeling and all of the little things happening under the surface. The entire poem gives the feeling of a split-second in time, yet it also has a sense of eternity to it. To me, it feels like the driver is spending forever trapped by these emotions and feelings, but is released only a few seconds later by the honking of a horn.
Technically it works too. The rhythm is excellent, and I'm glad that you didn't try to make it rhyme as some people try to do.
Normally I try to find something to criticize in a story or poem to give the author something to work with, but I honestly could find nothing in this poem that deserved criticism. It is poetically excellent.
Hope I helped!
-Satellite