She hears the rain falling on the window,
trickling down the frosted pane,
and she stares out into the world.
She used to know the world while standing outside,
and she would dance through the raindrops,
but her time to walk on the earth spent itself,
and she was forced to leave.
Now, she sits at the window,
and looks at the world she still adores.
She sees colors, muted and bold, so beautiful,
that swirl in rainbow music all around her.
She watches as those who love her tumble through life,
missing her presence, remembering her, and
she trails her fingers against the glass, wishing
with all of her heart that they knew she watches them.
Her tears blend with the raindrops.
If only, if only, if only...
At the window, she will wait for them.
And the raindrops fall.
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139,407 Literary Works • 672,552 Reviews
Hey!
Love the poem! Is a great idea and was sad in a sort of breath-taking way. My advice- you should find an alternative word for 'world'- it kind of loses it's effect after you have used it twice in two lines... Also, at times, your wording was a little scattered, but I guess that can be interpreted as a way of communicating a sense of loss. Essentially, well done!
-Blossom
Wonderful job! Most of the errors I spotted have already been mentioned by dasiamari, and I'm not that much a poet, so I hope you understand.
Such as "Muted colors" and "frosted pane" - both of which has been highlighted... I think because it really shows the description of the scene.
I love the way you've used your vocabulary. Simple, yet it explains so much. One can learn from how you write.
It's awesome. Keep doing what you do! Oh, and I noticed your location. >:D
I've never met you before so, Ello!
She hears the rain falling on the window,
trickling down the frosted pane, OOH! I like how you said frosted pane.
and she stares out into the world.
She used to know the world while standing outside,I like this but I think since you said while you can delete the and
and she would dance through the raindrops,
but her time to walk on the earth spent itself,
and she was forced to leave.
Now, she sits at the window,
and looks at the world she still adores.
She sees colors, muted and bold,Love this! so beautiful,
that swirl in rainbow music all around her.Music?
She watches as those who love her tumble through life,
missing her presence, remembering her, and
she trails her fingers against the glass, wishing
with all of her heart that they knew she watches them.
Her tears blend with the raindrops.If the rain drops are outside how does her tears blend with them?
If only, if only, if only...
At the window, she will wait for them.
And the raindrops fall.
Over all I really liked this!! Is the girl dead?