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Desk Lamps Don't Have Coals

by creativityrules

This is intended to be written from the POV of a teenage boy. I actually really love it. :D It's short compared to most of the pieces I write; I was debating on adding another stanza, but in the end, I decided to stick with this.

Her smiles are bonfires,
shimmering and glimmering
when the wind kisses them.
Even when her flames die down,
embers still laugh beneath her surface,
waiting to explode into sparks.

My smiles are desk lamps,
casting pale fluorescent light,
singeing the eyes of those who stare.
When they're switched off,
they are cold and heartless and dead.
Desk lamps don't have coals.

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56 Reviews

Points: 728
Reviews: 56

Sun Dec 23, 2012 3:22 pm
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methrirr123 wrote a review...

A wise thing to keep in mind: "Do not over explain in a hundred pages that which can be understood in a sentence."

This is not always the case, if you have the beautiful language to do so, but it's very hard to keep a description interesting for more than a few sentences. Other whise it's just like "MOVE ON, OK???"

The length of this poem is great, as it get's the point accross perfectly, with regards the the subject being just the light of the coals. in their smile. Maybe if you switched the subject so something else regarding the characters likeness, you could have added a few stanzas maybe on their eyes, or skin, or whatever. But overall, And I am no poet, I was satisfied with this poem's ability to make the reader see, not just imagine. Bravo.

Thanks! I'm happy that you liked it. :)

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15 Reviews

Points: 1019
Reviews: 15

Sun Dec 23, 2012 3:09 pm
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CinnaThePoet wrote a review...

Hello :)

This poem is quite refreshing. It was one of those moments when you read and your smile widens as you read and by the end of the poem you're running around cheering. Or maybe that was just my reaction.

I love it when a writer can pick a metaphor and follow it through a work coherently. I've always thought of that as something that's difficult to do. I think that the only inconsistency in this poem was the use of "glimmering". As Charlie had already said, I don't know if that accurately describes a bonfire. I think "shimmering" works fine, though. I like the consonance here, though.

Overall, I thought this was creative without going overboard and brief while potent. "Singeing the eyes...." is a fantastic line. Great work!

Thank you, Alex!

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166 Reviews

Points: 10240
Reviews: 166

Sun Dec 23, 2012 1:47 pm
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Charlie II wrote a review...

Hey creativityrules,

This is a lovely poem, and I really enjoyed reading it. I'm not sure that I really have much I can criticise but I'll try to give a balanced review.

I liked the comparison of the two types of light -- it works well to make the point. I like the balance of "natural light" against "artificial light" but I can't help but feel there's more to be explored here. In a sense, all light (apart from the Sun and some exotic animals) is artificial -- someone had to light that bonfire, so maybe there's a comparison there as well. Despite the differences, there are similarities too.

I also wonder if bonfires are really "shimmering and glimmering". That sounds like starlight or candle-light to me -- bonfires are large and roaring and *so* warm. They're smoky and a little unpleasant to start with, but then they grow tall and burn bright before collapsing back into embers that glow and cook your food (if you're a Scout)! Is this the image you're trying to invoke?

Perhaps there is room for another stanza (the length right now is good, so it's not entirely necessary) for you to explore some of these other ideas? It might be nice to have a sort of "conclusion" after the comparison as well. See how you feel about it.

All in all, the poem is very nice. I think you've got a good eye for poetry and if you explore your subject a little deeper then you'll blow the reader away even more!

Hey, Charlie! Yeah, I thought about the way I described the bonfire when I was writing this poem and asked myself if it was accurate. I came to the conclusion that it was accurate to me even if it might not be for my readers, so I kept it. Thank you for your input; I'll definitely take it into consideration!

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14 Reviews

Points: 272
Reviews: 14

Sun Dec 23, 2012 6:52 am
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Short, precious and truthful.

We've all been down that road at some, I believe: that moment when you convinve yourself that you are not worthy of the one you adore.

And of course, i love the usage of "light" as a metaphor for quality. At least that's how I interpreted it.

Just one thing: "My smiles are desk lamps,
casting pale fluorescent light,
singing the eyes of those who stare."
Am I right in assuming it should be 'stinging', and not "singing"? :)

Keep writing!

Thanks! I will!

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