The Miracle I'd Choose

Hi creativityrules,

Sorry to say but this has already been done before, namely by every single street-hawking boozed up two-bit Chicago penny pastor thumping from a little cardboard box with the words "HOLY BIBLE" scribbled on it.

You have two options. You can either take the theme (forgiveness reigns supreme, etc), and run with it. The reader wants to know Christ, not hear about him - see his actions and not collect rumors and whispers of healing the sick and uplifting the poor. Show the crowded pews in a dirty church, children running fingers over their rib cages and mustard teeth. I want to know why God is important.

Or you can continue wrapping yourself up in the flag of faith and mumble to yourself "Jesus loves me, this, I know, for the Bible tells me so", which seems to be the level of intellectual prowess this narrator is content with anyway.

Hope that helped,
Galerius

He trod upon the waters as if they were a grassy meadow.
He fed the multitudes with food fit barely fit for one man.
He caused the weak to stand tall and rejoice with dancing.
He gave breath to those who had ceased to partake of air.Good, but I think you could do better. Color it up a bit. Us Christians know this all, we've heard it, so make it sound new and exciting to us. Make it detailed, emotional, personal.

All these miracles He did when he walked upon the earth.I like how you worded this.
Wonderful and miraculous and impossible they seem.Maybe say, though they seem.
But, if I were given the power to perform one miracle of His,
I would choose the most marvelous miracle of them all. Good alliteration.

I would choose the beautiful miracle of forgiveness.Good, and I love your point, your message, but could you figure out how to say this without just outright saying it? Make us guess a bit before just telling us what you would choose. Hope I was some help. Write forever!

I love this, at first I thought I'll give it a pass, but on reading it, I'm glad I did. I especially love the last line:
"I would choose the beautiful miracle of forgiveness"; calling the art of forgiving a miracle really struck a message in my heart. Whatever may be wrong in the grammar or structure, the message was made very clear. Thank you for writing this and keep writing.

Hi! This is a very nice poem, lovely sentiments and a great conclusion but I think your lines could flow a little more smoothly in places. Shall we take a closer look?

He trod upon the waters as if they were a grassy meadow.
He fed the multitudes with food fit barely fit for one man. [This line was very awkward! Perhaps it's that repetiton of fit that's working against you? I'd suggest something like: He fed the multitudes with a single man's meal.]
He caused the weak to stand tall and rejoice with dancing. [Maybe add in some more description? Starting every line with He and just stating the miracles which people already know is a little dull. You'd keep more people interested if you used some good imagery or just extended each part a little.]
He gave breath to those who had ceased to partake of air.

All these miracles He did when he walked upon the earth. [Earth should have a capital I think.]
Wonderful and miraculous and impossible they seem.
But, if I were given the power to perform one miracle of His,
I would choose the most marvelous miracle of them all.

I would choose the beautiful miracle of forgiveness.

As I said before, I really like the ending. I wasn't actually expecting that, though I don't suppose which I did expect, but it was very nicely done. Thanks for the read,

Heather xxx

Hey there, Creativityrules. I'm Scarlett and I'll be reviewing your poem tonight.

Wow. This was a very interesting piece. It was simple, yet somewhat sweet. And, for a poem about Jesus, I really like it. It flows really well and the imagery is brilliant. I only have one nitpick that the first 'bit' in this line "He fed the multitudes with food fit barely fit for one man." It's not needed and doesn't really make sense. Take it out and it'll flow better. Overall, there is nothing else really wrong with it. I like it just how it is. In fact, I adore it. I'm definitely clicking 'like' when I'm done reviewing. ^^

This is a brilliant and slightly hopeful poem. And I like it (I know I've said that already XD). I hope this helped, even a little. And thank you very much for the wonderful and brilliantly hopeful poetry. Keep writing, and don’t ever give up!

~Scar.

Wow, this was very beautiful and sweet. So cute! Not sure if that's how you wanted it to come off as, I was thinking "Aww," and it's truth too...although I think I would have preferred "salvation" to "forgiveness" at the end.

Hello! I like the way you write. You can definitely go further into poetry. Not once were you drifted away from the title. You stuck with it. You have a good mind and can write better poems in future. I like the way you think,

creativityrules wrote:I would choose the beautiful miracle of forgiveness

Hi,

Welcome to YWS! I hope you like it here.

This is lovely. The title immediately drew me in and your choice of subject matter was original. It flows well and I like how how go through the different miracles. The final isolated line is very effective.

I think "ceased to partake of air" sounds a little strange. I think maybe rhyming the final line of every stanza with the second line would work better throughout this poem.

I'd avoid twisting the syntax in the first line of stanza two. I'd try: He did all these miracles when he walked upon the earth. I'd also rewrite "Wonderful and miraculous and impossible they seem" as there's no reason for the archaic syntax, and I'd avoid "miraculous", because obviously miracles seem miraculous!

Hope this helps,

Jas