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139,359 Literary Works • 672,540 Reviews
I think this is really good. The thought behind it is one I find very interesting as I can never seem to keep my mouth shut. On the actual poem part, I disagree very strongly with Kafkaescence. I think the description was amazing. Yes, if you had gone on to much longer it would have become redundant and ruined the whole poem, but as it stands, I think you did an excellent job. Now looking at your ending. Endings are very important to me. They rap up whatever you are writing, and usually I like them to be very important. Like when you finish a book, and you can't believe how it ended because that last line was a beautiful ending, but you want the story to continue on just for the sake of continuing. This is usually how I finish my writing, and weak endings usually just don't settle right with me. My point being, despite all the babbling I just did, I like your ending immensely. I think it was simple and the simile was nicely used.
So overall... very good job. I hope to see more from you in the future. Keep writing.
-Panda
I think this is really good. The thought behind it is one I find very interesting as I can never seem to keep my mouth shut. On the actual poem part, I disagree very strongly with Kafkaescence. I think the description was amazing. Yes, if you had gone on to much longer it would have become redundant and ruined the whole poem, but as it stands, I think you did an excellent job. Now looking at your ending. Endings are very important to me. They rap up whatever you are writing, and usually I like them to be very important. Like when you finish a book, and you can't believe how it ended because that last line was a beautiful ending, but you want the story to continue on just for the sake of continuing. This is usually how I finish my writing, and weak endings usually just don't settle right with me. My point being, despite all the babbling I just did, I like your ending immensely. I think it was simple and the simile was nicely used.
So overall... very good job. I hope to see more from you in the future. Keep writing.
-Panda
You try to attribute some sort of cause-and-effect relationship between the fangs catching your words and their retreating back that doesn't really exist. Why does (a) necessitate (b)? Why do the words retreat after being "caught" by the fangs (not sure how one would get "caught" by a fang. Were they snagged? Impaled? A more elaborative verb is needed.)? And "retreat" connotes failure--can you justify this?
Also: your phrasing in line two suggests that you are elaborating on line one, which I'd welcome, but it's off-putting when you instead use the comma as a means of consecution rather than elaboration, which is especially awkward and throwing when you use "breathe them out" (antonymous with "eat") before we've figured out what you're doing. In other words, I expected line two to be something like this: "I eat my words/breathe them in, between my fangs" but it's the opposite.
"Tumble" is bland.
There also needs to be a bit more to enforce your use of such a powerful word as "emptiness;" it's the kind of thing you need to build up to, work toward, and phrases like "tumble down my throat" aren't going to get you there.
You take up three whole lines repeating the same idea with different words. Unimpressive. "Word" and "essay" might mean different things in a dictionary, but they mean the exact same thing in the context of your poem.
And it feels like we're moving at a snail's pace and that you're really overelaborating. Basically all you've really said is that you ate your words and then digested them into misspelled words. You could have said that in the space of, like, one or two lines. Is this poem saying anything worth hearing?
Again, "eternity" arrives premature and unfounded. This would make for a pretty good standalone line, but again, in the context of your poem, I don't see where it fits.
How would one unwrite secrets inside of oneself? "The steady warmth of my insides" is strong imagery, but it's negated by the impossibility of the situation you present.
Wrap up the sentence with a period after "air." The comma here stretches it our far too long. You'll have to find a new way to begin your next sentence yourself, though: "There they are reabsorbed," the easiest alternative, is awkward.
Where did the sponges and the glass come in? How is this in line with the stomachal and oral imagery prevalent in the rest of your poem? Why would anyone take a sponge to an ice-cold glass? And the sponge is far too obvious an analogy following a verb like "reabsorbed." Rework these last three lines, as they offer very little closure and make for an unsatisfying end.
Hope this helped.
-Kafka
Hello there Creativity! I haven't seen you lurking about lately, been a little while
. Anywho, Tucker here with your review. Okey dokey, to start I love the idea of this piece, a great new and exciting writing topic that I don't ever read about. Your delivery certainly doesn't disappoint, your writing is smooth and your imagery excellent. The only notes I have are just tiny little nit picks. Let's dive in now shall we?
I don't know why, but I think I would like to see a more exciting word than "eat," this is a tiny tiny nit pick and actually something you could keep the same if you really wanted to. But I've always been a fan of "devour" and I think that would be a better suited word for this poem in place of "eat."
"almost breathe them out before my fangs catch them"
This line is a little awkward, I think more because it's too long for the rest of your poem. Try cutting it into two lines, maybe put the new line after "before."
"and they retreat behind my hungry lips"
This would work better if you take the "devour" idea, but you could replace "hungry" with a stronger word, such as: "voracious." Reason being is because it creates a stronger image for the reader and makes a clearer point that your character wants to gobble up the words, you have less character if you just use "eat" and "hungry."
I love the second stanza, great writing there. I can certainly relate because I'm dyslexic in spelling -.- garg.
"In the steady warmth of my insides,"
I'm not a huge fan of this line, I think it's because of "steady" and "insides." They both seem a little out of place in this poem, especially in comparison to the rest of this stanza, where you just blow us away with your excellent imagery. Maybe cut out "steady" and try to find a different word for "insides."
I just love the last four lines, that is certainly the best part of your poem. Excellent writing there, all and all a lovely piece and I really enjoyed reading it. Just with a few touch ups this will be on the road to perfection. Let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!
TuckEr EllsworTh