Me Singing

by creativityrules
  • March 21, 2012
  • Poetry
  • Other
  • Poetry
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This is a new beginning.
This is a fresh start.
This is a day dawning.
Mine is a free heart.

This is me standing
on the edge of the world,
and screaming to the wind
that I'm a free girl.

And we are one person,
the strength and the dawn.
We are one, together.
The drum beat goes on.

To the ends of the earth
where the land plunges off,
I am free as the wind.
I am calmly in love.

This is a sunset spreading.
This is an ocean waving.
This is a new day dawning.
This is me singing.
Comments & reviews · 2
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User avatar
Shady
Review
Shady wrote a review · Mon Sep 14, 2020 7:31 am

Heya creativityrules,

Shady here to review your poem! I know you'll likely never see this, but the Checklist Challenge asked me to come find a piece from March 2012, and you happened to post this on the day that I joined YWS!

This is a new beginning.
This is a fresh start.
This is a day dawning.
Mine is a free heart.


I like the way you use punctuation to your advantage in this first stanza! The period at the end of each line makes the lines a bit more dramatic and forceful, making readers pause at the end and reflect what was said.

This is me standing
on the edge of the world,
and screaming to the wind
that I'm a free girl.


This stanza felt a bit more forced -- like you were trying really hard to keep with the themes in the first stanza. I think it'd benefit if you ever came back to revise this, to maybe think about a freer verse style. The last line in this stanza, especially, feels like you were trying really hard to match the "free heart" from the last one, so the "free girl" just kind of reads a bit awkwardly here.

This is a sunset spreading.
This is an ocean waving.
This is a new day dawning.
This is me singing.


I really like the personification in this stanza! The "ocean waving" is a really cute way to put this, and I'm a big fan! Really creative!

~ ~ ~

Overall, I really liked this poem! I think you did a really nice job with the themes throughout the poem and also with some lines having some really nice imagery! It's a nice poem!

I think my biggest recommendation overall would be to play around with various formats for this poem, free yourself up a bit from a strict framework that you think the poem should fit into, and rather let the imagery guide you.

That's all I've got for you!

Keep writing and Happy RevMo!

~Shady 8)

User avatar
RedMoon
Comment
RedMoon commented · Fri Mar 23, 2012 1:23 am

Me likey. This is a great poem, and though I don't know much about poems, I do know a great writer when I see one. Great job. Keep writing.



i think once every new ywser realizes they can manifest themselves into the quote gen by making a post about the quote gen, they make a very inconspicuous post about the quote gen, but deep in their hearts, they know they’ll see that post at the bottom of the page one day. (yeah, i see you mods. you brought this upon us)
— Avian