Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Realistic


Temporary Happiness

by anne27


I am on cloud nine

Everything is just so fine

I'm smiling inside my head

All the happiness in this world is mine.

~~~

My mind is so excited to see

What other pleasures the world has for me

Every turn brings a new set of surprises

I've got so many, I'll share some with thee.

~~~

But why aren't the people around me gay

Didn't they get to chose their own way

What event happened in their lives

That didn't let the merriness stay?

~~~

Will I also become one in that crowd

Will my pains became more loud

Will my joy turn into depression

Will my gaiety be buried in the shroud??


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
33 Reviews


Points: 457
Reviews: 33

Donate
Mon Jan 04, 2021 1:47 am
View Likes
mordax wrote a review...



I love this poem! The portrayal of worry of a lightened emotional state is so relatable. You beautifully portrayed that strange medium of joy and anxiety and confusion that we sometimes have when someone feels differently than us. It is filled with the innocent naivety we all crave as our ignorance is washed away by the horrors of the world and the poem is showing that thin middle before we cross that line away from complete joy.




anne27 says...


Thanks for that lovely review mordax!! :D the way you say it is amazing and exactly what this was about



User avatar
8 Reviews


Points: 80
Reviews: 8

Donate
Sun Jan 03, 2021 12:22 am
View Likes



There are some great uses of rhyme scheme and also good uses of repetition. There is also good use of form as well with with each stanza having a consistent rhyme scheme and also each stanza has a unique topic to it despite all of the topics being unified under a single theme. I'm still trying to figure out the message a bit (that's not the poem's fault, I'm just bad at figuring out a poem's theme) but from what I can tell so far, this is a great poem.




anne27 says...


Thanks a lot Blake for the wonderful review. :D



User avatar
45 Reviews


Points: 148
Reviews: 45

Donate
Thu Dec 31, 2020 8:14 pm
View Likes
yumi wrote a review...



You are "on cloud nine" yet worried that "your joy will turn into depression"-a sad mental state to be in, since the worry, by merely existing, destroys your happiness and sets on the almost inevitable path leading directly leading directly from the heights of Mount Olympus into bowels of Hades-especially since, in writing about your worry you have crystalized the thought, like an invisible breath made fog, a sort of "tangibilization" if you will, of the cold and uncaring doom around you? Metaphorically Hades is that hellish fugue sate of mind, which for most of us is always threatening, like a mass of thunder clouds hovering just outside our field of vision, to burst into our field of vision and replace our bright sun with deadly lightening, just as suddenly as Zeus's abrupt and violent anger. In hell or Hades, religious priests tell us are sent to suffer thanks to our own actions and choices...could the action of writing this poem seal your fate?
You'll forgive my using ancient examples, no doubt, just as you used the ancient word "thee"- but, alas, as a Reviewer, I felt it stood out like Hephaestus (the lame ugly blacksmith god) wandering New York city in a poem that otherwise used such thoroughly modern terminology such as "cloud nine -even if it was cute, and even if, in the end, this was an enjoyable and light and fun read about your mental issues? :)
(I would re-write the first stanza to take out "cloud nine" in favor of a phrase that better fits with words like "thee" and "shroud" and "gay", which sound old fashioned.)




anne27 says...


Thanks a lot for the review yumi :D you are so knowledgeable.....and your review always leave me speechless :) I'll work on the suggestions



User avatar
8 Reviews


Points: 336
Reviews: 8

Donate
Thu Dec 31, 2020 6:11 pm
View Likes
Grace4life wrote a review...



Hi Grace here for a review.
First things first i 100% agree with starlitmind that you been writing so much lovely poetry lately.I really love your work it like inspires me to work on my poetry skills.I love how you described how happiness feels, also how show that some people are not happy out there. I have have the same questions every time i experiences happiness, like will it last or it is there to stay.I specially loved stanza 3, like it is surprising to see other people not happy. I just love how you pointed that out, how you questioned of how their happiness was lost and like what really happened. When i read the first two lines l was like whoah, i loved how it rhymed. Overall it was a great poem and keep on writing can not wait to read more of your poems.




anne27 says...


Aww...thank you so much. :D



User avatar
343 Reviews


Points: 31045
Reviews: 343

Donate
Thu Dec 31, 2020 4:43 pm
View Likes
starlitmind wrote a review...



Hello there, anne! You've been writing so much lovely poetry lately, and I decided to check this one out! ^^

Ooh, I like the bleak realization that the speaker comes to in the end. I feel like what you've described in this poem is a defining moment when you grow up: realizing how fragile happiness is and that not everyone is going to be happy, at least not always. The last stanza expresses a fear of also losing that happiness, and I think that's a sad reality. It did make my heart clench, so I think you did a lovely job with the overall message and theme of this poem! I also loved how you were consistent with your rhyme scheme; that made this an even more enjoyable read :[I[[/I]) I'm going to look at different sections regarding your poem!

Word Choice/Language

I love the different words you used to describe "happiness," like "gay" and "gaiety," instead of using the same word over and over again; it adds variety to your poem. I also think the phrase "gaiety be buried in the shroud" is super neat -> in my opinion, it's your strongest line because it's such a vivid image, and "buried" makes the fear of losing happiness stronger.

I do think perhaps you could use more specific words throughout the poem, like you did in the last line, to make this even more powerful. I'll give you a few examples c:

I am on cloud nine


Maybe you're dancing on cloud nine to give even more positive energy? Maybe you're laying down lazily to show that you don't have any worries? Maybe you're even singing to express your joy? Just a thought :D

I'm smiling inside my head


This is a super small suggestion (alliteration, haha), but maybe you could say "beaming" because beaming seems to express a bigger smile to me, but this is totally up to you! Just a thought I had while reading

My mind is so excited to see


I love the idea of your mind being excited c: you could even say "bubbling with excitement" or just "bubbling" if the former is too long, or "thrilled" or "electrified." Just some other thoughts I had while reading! :p

Just sprinkling stronger synonyms (alliteration again :p) for words you already have in your poem can leave a bigger impact, but if you don't agree, then please feel free to ignore and disregard this! ^_^

One last thing

I've got so many, I'll share some with thee.


"thee" is a bit of an archaic word, and it seems a bit out of place when the rest of the poem is written in modern language. I think you used that word for the sake of the rhyme scheme, but I just wanted to point out that it felt a bit out of place to me!

Imagery

I think sprinkling in some imagery here and there would also help to make this poem even more powerful c: I'll point out a few spots as examples where I think some imagery would be awesome!

Everything is just so fine


How is everything so fine? What exactly is going is "everything"? Perhaps there's sunshine overflowing in your palms? Or maybe not a single drop of dark infiltrates the sky? Or maybe the sky is a spotless expanse full of sunbeams? Just some more thoughts!

I've got so many, I'll share some with thee.


Ooh yes, you could share some with the reader! What kind of surprises do you have? Perhaps it can be something real like you have a bunch of sweets (cupcakes, cookies, ice cream, etc.) that can make your surprises tangible? Or maybe your surprises are intangible, like sunshine, stars, light, or abundant happiness. Some more thoughts! :p

You could expand on other lines in the poem just like with these lines. Adding imagery and descriptive language might help your reader relate more because they can picture the vivid images in their head c:

And that's ask I got for you! Overall, I really enjoyed the realistic view this poem took on. It's hurtful, truthful, and direct, and I think you did a wonderful job getting the message of this poem to the reader. I loved reading this poem, and I hope to read even more from you in the future. I hope this helped! :D




anne27 says...


Thanks a lot for the review starlitmind!! It was so valuable. I'll work on the suggestions. Sometimes it becomes hard because of the rhymes. But I'll try my best to improve it anyway. Thanks again :D <3




There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
— W. Somerset Maugham