Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Realistic

E - Everyone

You've got no Brains

by anne27


Constant nagging, do this and that

I can't , I lack that skill

Always getting a glare for wrong

Anger in kids is shown through defiance

I'm angry too

Asks me to do it once more

I do the opposite

That's the end - its over

My anger couldn't even equal 

One percent of his

The carrom board overturned

Anger over a wrong strike

Over my incapability to

Play a board game like a pro

Devilish eyes, cruel words spoken

'You've got no brains

You've got a blocked head

Stop crying, idiot!'

And that's how you depress

A kid who's praised by others 

For her knowledge

Because she couldn't play a game

This method succeeds though.

I was in a state of trauma

I don't think I'll ever truly recover from

Believe me, even though I've never seen the devil

But I bet I couldn't be more scared

I wanted to die at that moment

Legs were shaking, I was unable to stand

I was crying at school for a week

Without being noticed.

Tears don't stop even now

Just thinking about it

Its been two years now

I see him , my mother's husband

Everyday,and he has changed

For better.

But still, he asked me

To play carrom yesterday

And if that wasn't enough

After 14 years of schooling

And 17 years of existence

He tells me I know not a thing

You know why

Cause, I'm not interested

In some stupid subject.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
78 Reviews


Points: 41
Reviews: 78

Donate
Tue Jun 22, 2021 8:11 pm
View Likes
mordax wrote a review...



Hey there, mordax here! Loved this poem, so let's get to it!

I'm lack that skill

I think you mean "I lack that skill"

I'm angry too

And thus defiant

This is just a suggestion, but I think the "and thus defiant" isn't necessary and takes away from the impact of the point you are trying to make. You already state that defiance and anger correlate, so by then following that claim with "I am angry", the readers know that you are also defiant, and making that connection is much more gratifying than just reading it.

Asks me to do it once more

I do the opposite

Same, lol

That's the end of it- its over

I would suggest removing the "of it" after "end". Seeing as "it" it followed by and "it's", it feels redundant and would flow better without the former.

This method succeeds though.

This is your first time using punctuation disregarding the exclamation point in the prior quote, and it confused me as I read because then I was thinking that the entirety of the preceding lines were all a part of this one long sentence. If you are going to use punctuation, I suggest making it have a pattern or some sort of repetition. I understand if you are trying to emphasize this one line, and if that is the case, then you can make it the end of a stanza and continue the rest of the poem in another stanza.

Believe me, even though I've never seen the devil

But I bet I couldn't be more scared

I was a bit confused here. Are you saying that you would be less scared of the devil than of living in that moment? There is no issue with ambiguity in poetry, but I was only confused because of the formatting. If these two lines were in one stanza together or if each of the lines were grouped rather than in one list, I think that would bring deeper meaning to your poem.

Cause, I'm not interested

In computer science.

Mmm I know people like this....

Overall, I really enjoyed your poem. It almost felt like a rant, like and exhaustive, fuming, verbal unload on this judgment children receive for not knowing or not liking the same things as our fellow adults. I could really relate to it and could feel that anger, which props to you.

Great job and keep writing!

Mordax




User avatar


Points: 0
Reviews: 0

Donate
Tue Jun 22, 2021 8:09 pm
View Likes
Caljoh says...



This is really detailed and filled with great techniques




User avatar
19 Reviews


Points: 83
Reviews: 19

Donate
Tue Jun 22, 2021 6:23 pm
View Likes
ArctiWolf wrote a review...



So I'm very tech-oriented and am still not sure if I would like to memorize all the technicalities. (though I probably could if I wanted to) That being said everybody has different things that interest them.

Now one thing I noticed about this poem is that the sentences are not coherent enough. (obviously, there is enough for me to get the point you were trying to make.) Even in a poem, a sentence is the same, no matter how it's split up. For instance :

Constant nagging, do this and that

I cant , I'm lack that skill


Those two lines are their own sentence and probably should be written more like this:

Constant nagging, do this and that
I can't, I lack that skill.


Overall a great poem that expresses what we all feel sometimes. You have the right point. I think all this poem needs is some touch-ups and it'll be right as rain. I look forward to seeing more from you. Until then, happy writing!





We always talk about the "doers" and "dreamers" but I'd like to give a big shoutout to the "tryers".
— Hannah Hart