He was a philanthropist,
A teacher, a guide,
He taught me how to live
My life with pride.
I honored his teachings
Never underestimated the value
But I remember last time I saw
Him, my blessings were due;
I hadn’t caught sight of him
The day I abandoned the school
I didn’t know a virus, for two years,
Would keep me away from a jewel.
He passed away to heaven
Leaving me in hell to wonder
How my personal problems had blinded
Me to make such a blunder!
I had left him willingly
When I had the chance
And now I'm ashamed to go back
Where people’ll look at me askance.
I wished I had stayed longer
To be a part of his favorite few,
Now all I have got to say is
I lost a Guru...
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,732 Reviews
Oh. My. GOODNESS. Whyyyyyy do people write such amazing poems and make the language so nice?! Like- lemme give you a run-down of what I think about this. ONE. I love, love, love, love, LOVE how you worded this poem! Like, I could never. The rest of the works you've made looks reall really cool, and I've seen about 4 of them! Like to be completely honest with you, this is very smartly worded, mkay? The only question I have is what does askance mean? That's all I'm asking. Other than that, I love the whole entire thing. I hope everyone loves it as much as I do!
Thanks a lot for the review and kind words @your_localdumbfrog! I'm glad you enjoyed reading it<3
To look at something askance basically means to look with disapproval, in this context
Hi there anne27! Niteowl here to leave a quick review.
Overall, I think the theme of this piece is highly relatable and can make for a powerful statement on grief. Probably everyone has had someone they loved pass away and struggle with wishing they had done more with the time they had with that person. I really like the middle of the poem, "he passed away to heaven, leaving me in hell to wonder"-it shows how the narrator's guilt weighs upon them.
That said, I think this could benefit from a bit more imagery and specificity to back up the core emotion. I'd love to hear more of the details of this relationship--what did this guru teach? What stands out about his life or his relationship with the narrator? What happened on that last day the narrator saw him? I want to feel the narrator's pain as she recounts how the guru impacted her, but right now, I feel rather distant from it.
The rhyming is a mixed bag. Some parts are fine, but others feel strange and weaken the piecre. Compare the length of the lines "Never underestimated the value" and its rhyming line "my blessings were due". This mismatch makes for an awkward rhythm. Ever had someone hold the door open for you when you're still pretty far away and you feel like you have to rush to catch up in response? That's how these sort of mistmatched lines make me feel. I also find that rhyming can hinder people in some ways from finding the strongest words to convey their meaning. I'm a big fan of free verse because it lets you find the strongest words without being overly focused on what rhymes. I don't know if you've tried it out but if not, I strongly encourage it.
Overall, I think the piece has a great message, but I'd love to see a little more detail and perhaps less focus on the rhyming. Keep writing!
Thanks a lot for the review Niteowl! It was very helpful. And yes, I have tried free verse but I'm not yet entirely comfortable with it. So for me, I'd like to rush to the door right now, since my free verse is like a totally closed door lol!