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16+

Strength

by anne27


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

I don't have the strength 

  To be happy, laugh or to live

  To be a doormat or be combative

  To feel love that's said to be pervasive.

I don't have the strength

  To live with people who hardly know me

  To find companions in this lonely sea

  To grab the root of the problem tree.

I don't have the strength

  To always feel the darkest grey

  To let my condition stay this way

  To open my eyes for another day.

  


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10 Reviews


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Tue Oct 19, 2021 1:46 pm
Caiteb says...



Hi, its Caite giving you giving you a review. I absolutely just loved it. I can relate so well to your poem. I love the description words and how well I can feel your pain.Your writing brought tears to my eyes. I absolutely just loved it so breathtaking. Great job with this piece of art. I especially love the ending line. it just feel like it brings all this to a closer.




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10 Reviews


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Reviews: 10

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Tue Oct 19, 2021 1:46 pm
Caiteb wrote a review...



Hi, its Caite giving you giving you a review. I absolutely just loved it. I can relate so well to your poem. I love the description words and how well I can feel your pain.Your writing brought tears to my eyes. I absolutely just loved it so breathtaking. Great job with this piece of art. I especially love the ending line. it just feel like it brings all this to a closer.




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10 Reviews


Points: 83
Reviews: 10

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Tue Oct 19, 2021 1:45 pm
Caiteb says...



Hi, its Caite giving you giving you a review. I absolutely just loved it. I can relate so well to your poem. I love the description words and how well I can feel your pain.Your writing brought tears to my eyes. I absolutely just loved it so breathtaking. Great job with this piece of art.




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Tue Oct 05, 2021 3:14 pm
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aooborromeo wrote a review...



Hello! My name is Via and I'm here for a review! So... let's get started!

Mood, Tone, Perspective, Themes, and Narrative

This poem is beautiful. The theme and mood are well established and clear. You can tell this is about depression or some sort of mental illness and negative feelings. You can feel these emotions in the lines. The choice of sentences with descriptions of the thoughts, are very relatable to those who associate with these feelings.

Because I suffer from depression, this hits home! So it touched my heart in the best way.

Because of how straightforward it is, its impossible to get confused. So kudos to you!

Language, Diction, and Style

Obviously, every descriptive word is well chosen. I love these lines in particular for the imagery and metaphorical thinking.

To live with people who hardly know me

To find companions in this lonely sea

To grab the root of the problem tree.


That repetition of "I don't have the strength" and the word "To" in every sentence adds a pleasant emphasis on the narrator's thoughts and feelings, which is perfect for this poem.

Because of your choice of wording and the stylistic approach with the repetition you can feel everything that the narrator is feeling and can understand it well. Nice job!

and here

To grab the root of the problem tree.


I love that imagery there.


Structure, Flow, and Rhythm

Unlike most poems I find here, either you're great at editing or rhythm, there really isn't much to say on the flow. I love the consistency in that ABBB rhyme scheme. Sometimes inconsistency in a rhyme scheme can be detrimental, so good job for keeping it consistent.

That little indent before the "To" lines is that little detail that makes this poem so unique.

Of course maybe the structure of the sentences can be a bit more refined.

To be happy, laugh or to live


Maybe "To be happy, to laugh, to live" I don't know. It's up to you! Experiment!

Grammar

I'm not sure about the punctuation choices. Maybe add some commas after some of this enjambment sentences and the periods though are well placed.

Lines that are a part of the same sentence shouldn't be capitalized. However, I'm not sure if you did that on purpose. I'm not sure if I like all the "To" lines capitalized. But I can see why one might have it done that way.

Final Words

Overall, beautiful poem! I loved reading it! It's just lovely and it pulls on my heart strings. If this is based on yourself, it gets better believe me.

Don't stop writing!

~ Via




anne27 says...


Thanks for the review Via <3



aooborromeo says...


Anytime anne27. You're very talented.



anne27 says...


Aww thank you :smt007



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Fri Oct 01, 2021 5:02 pm
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BhavyaMehta123 wrote a review...



This poem has a lot of potential. It touched my heart. The title given piqued my interest. This is such a relatable piece. Every teenager's life reality. This poem has been written from your deepest emotions and it's powerful in so many ways. Thank you for sharing this. This is a beautiful piece
Keep writing and growing!




anne27 says...


Thank you so much Bhavya :D



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Fri Oct 01, 2021 5:11 am
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alliyah wrote a review...



This poem was such a succinct and powerfully put lament. I hope if this is something you've felt, that you find that you are able to have the strength, or find something to lean on until you do. <3 The emotions of the poem were very powerfully expressed.

Meaning
The poem was pretty straightforward, I interpreted to be that the speaker was sort of rehashing how they had come to the end of their line and they just don't feel they have the strength, the second line shows the progression they can't seem to find happiness, and now are not sure they can event have the strength to go on living, so are in a very dark place. The poem ends in this same dark place where the speaker isn't sure they can open their eyes for another day.

Highlights
I think the poem was perfectly lengthed for what was being expressed, it was concise and really the message came across very vividly. You have a few nice metaphors in here like the "lonely sea" and the "doormat" - these two images aren't quite in the same imagery family, but are still simple and straightforward to understand.

I also thought the rhyming was gentle enough that it connected the stanzas together, but didn't distract or feel forced at all.

Suggestions
I think one place where the poem could have been clearer is rather than saying "problem tree" which doesn't really evoke for the reader any clue what the problem could be, maybe you could replace the word "problem" with the actual problem they are facing, whatever it is (maybe lonliness? sadness? depression? anger? darkness?) this would give more meaning to the line, rather than just "problem" which a bit too ambiguous to give the reader an idea for meaning. And that's all I could think of!

Thank you for sharing anne! Keep on writing!

~alliyah




anne27 says...


Thanks a lot Alliyah for the review and for sharing your thoughts <3



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Thu Sep 30, 2021 9:50 am
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Shayna Basu wrote a review...



Hey anne27!!!! here's my say on your distinctive poem


firstly your poem speaks for all those people out there who are struggling with their own battles , who feel lost ,helpless and traumatized by the torment and anguish found around or within them.....

your poem is touching and despairing yet it sparks a sense of tenderness, empathy and concern in readers. Your poem successfully also brings awareness in the aspect of self doubt, self harm ,depression and anxiety .
In a nutshell your poem is truly different as chalk and cheese yet such poems should be widespread so that people know that they aren't alone




anne27 says...


Thanks a lot for the review Shayna!! Glad you liked it :D



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Wed Sep 29, 2021 4:56 pm
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FireEyes wrote a review...



Hi Anne! Incoming review!

Just a opening word that you are able to endure. If you need help, you can endure. If you feel like you can't, you can. With that said let me get on to the review!

I'll start out with critique.

To ask for forgiveness or to forgive

To take love from others or to give.
The rhyme of "Forgive" and "give" is redundant. Something like "combative" or "permissive" could be better rhymes.

To grab the root of the problem- tree.
I don't think the hyphen is needed here. It would make the poem flow better without something breaking it up as you also don't use commas.

And perhaps the periods can be put at the end of each line after "I don't have the strength." So it's like you don't have the strength to keep the sentence going. Or it could be a multiple choice answer sort of thing where you don't even have the strength to acknowledge the struggles you have.

I'm done with critiques, now to praise your work! I like how you have the three rhyming words in each stanza rhyme with one another. It's still like you don't have the energy to think of anything else and many people's default to poetry is to rhyme.

To always feel the darkest grey

To let my condition stay this way

To open my eyes for another day.
Woof these lines are powerful. To my own perspective to looks like you don't have the strength to keep putting yourself down to feel worse. Sometimes we feel just a little bad so we don't need to push to feel the worst we can in the situation. You know why? Because your feelings are still valid.

But that's all I have for today. I hope you found some of it useful! Keep on writing! In enjoy reading your works. Anyway byeeeeeee<3<3<3

Image




anne27 says...


Thanks a lot for the review FireEyes! I hope it's better now after the edits. Also I get about the default rhymes and I'm trying to be more comfortable with blank verses and not just write rhymes all the time. Thanks a lot!<3




And then, as if written by the hand of a bad novelist, an incredible thing happened.
— Bartimaeus of Uruk