Young Writers Society

This poem speaks to my soul of the deadly trident known as "Expectations", composed of the deadly prongs known as "God" "Society" and "Self" wielded by the deadly appendaged serpent eager to thrust it in your chest and shatter your heart, robbing it of God's love and condemning you to isolation and Hell. Armor yourself against the thrust with an awareness that:
1. Love is like nature, and indivisible from God's nature-everywhere around. and always inside of you, like the spirit connecting you to the trees. everlasting and in perpetual existence. even when you and the tree have ceased to exist.
2. Society is full of society minded judgementors who should mind their own matters -those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.
3. Self love is important, and you can give yourself the same forgiving and open hearted love that your precious heart of glass bestows on others.
Just as the Holy Trinity of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit reference the same God, the trident of Expectations is truly all about you and your need for self love, for true loves gives freely, expecting nothing. The serpent is the great deceiver, and has no arms with which to thrust the spear in: you need to take it and thrust it in yourself. True love is eternal. and to experience isolation and Hell, which is defined as the absence of love, you need to place yourself there. Let this belief empower you. for it requires a belief that you have all the power.

Ok, I haven't even read the rest of the poem but WOW. World of Warcraft wow, holy... Something about those first lines. It felt like reading a book, a book that just grabs you by your shoulders with a father's pat on the back and you start running, ready to go into what awaits, no matter the pain.
Ok, ok. Back to the reading...

I would like to sadly say I relate to this a lot. My parents tend to pressure me a lot, many times not realizing it. It is hard, balancing those things and then realizing you are trying to be perfect, having a hard time excepting that you can't be then juggling things like not getting things right the first few times you try.

It is strange, many people don't realize that practice is such a thing, and it just makes things worse for those that struggle to not be perfect, be it because of society or family and people around them.

I like the use of the poem being in italics. I think it's one of the reasons I had to pause from reading and write my thoughts down right away. It adds to the poem, making it seem a bit more regal in something so stressful. The first two lines were really nice for me to read as well.

After a little bit, somethings do seem a bit out of place or forced. Which is fine! It happens with writing from time to time. The third stanza did seem a bit out of place to me. it made sense but the use of the word comrade was a bit stranger, I guess. it did not seem to fit the flow or tone of the poem. Maybe try another word similar to comrade, friend, ally, etc. Find something you like!

Another thing, since LittleLee seemed to cover a big chunk, it was most likely a typing error but always put a space after you have a comma! For example, the line

"Ensuring that in no part of mine,love unfolds". You would need to just simply put a space after mine!

Otherwise, it was pretty good!

- Cow

Hello, anne, Lee's here for a review!

I hope my review doesn't offend you in any way. Well, I''l get to it without further ado.

The very first point I would like to make is that while the rhyme scheme is consistent, I don't like it because it inhibits your skill, and some of the rhymes just aren't that good. In the sense that it feels as though the line was strained just to fit in with the rhyme scheme. Here are a few examples:

Being as pure as the holiest cow

In front of whom, every priest will bow

Dreaming to live like a billionaire

The cravings for leisurely life are always there

I wish to do all luxury errands

With a mind full of love story plots

I wish to become a celibate of sorts

Now you can see why i get frustrated so soon

‘Cause I’ve become a fretting goon

Want to be perfect in every sense

Hating imperfection has made my life tense

Hi anne27! Haraya here with a review!

First off, I like the consistency of your poem. Each idea in every stanza is unique yet not straying too far from the main idea of having aspirations or dreams.

Generally, I liked your imagery. My favorite line was "a stomach that doesn't digest gossips." It was very imaginative and the message gets through. That whole stanza was the most vivid throughout the poem.

My main critique here is I wish each aspiration was faced by a corresponding cold truth. What you did was add the harsh reality at the end of the poem to oppose all the aspirations you had mentioned. It was fine but the ending stanza could have had more power if you showed there is something opposing each one of your dreams. The dilemma between choosing to follow your aspirations or be weighed down by reality becomes more pronounced.

For example, you want to be a billionaire, but then you'd need talent, hardwork and a stroke of luck. Or you want to avoid anger, but the world is plagued by infuriating things that it's impossible maintain patience all the time. It creates a tension between pursuing the ideal or facing the truth. The ending then becomes more powerful, saying these big expectations make you feel frustrated because now the readers know the harshness of chasing each ideal.

Generally, I liked this poem. You formed unique images and explored the main idea extensively. That's all I wanted to say! Hope my review helped you out. Best of luck to you in your future works!