z

Young Writers Society



Conics Unfortunately: 2

by Ventomology


Flailing like a maniac through the main hall of the Fold Terminal was grounds for getting fired. Ellipse knew this, of course; she knew rules like they were elementary school rivals-turned-crushes. But that was not about to stop her from breaking them in order to preserve her life.

She raced along the terminal floor, dodging patrons left and right. In her wake, pterodactyl-like aliens flapped up a storm, and seething helium floaters strobed their lights.

Yet somehow, when Ellipse threw a glance over her shoulder, she could still spot the boy in the wheelchair. He flew towards her, briefcase discarded and hanging from the mouth of the black gato trailing after him.

“Heck,” she spat. Her boots thudded on the cement floor, sending waves of aches through her ankles. “This is ridiculous.” Then she glanced up and nearly cried in relief.

She had reached a new block of hangars, and a new section of the terminal. She could get out of this mess. With another backward glance, she swerved left and fumbled for the lanyard hanging off her utility belt.

Every block of the terminal had a staff elevator. It was not a real elevator, per say, more like a pod in a vacuum shoot, but it did connect to every other section of the station. When Ellipse finally got a hold on her lanyard, she ducked behind a group of sentient vines and scurried to the elevator.

She held her ID to a chip scanner, and the doors slid open, silent and covert.

“Alrighty,” she muttered, “where should I go?”

She might try the administration block. There, someone could pull up her papers and vouch for her identity. The customs block could handle that too, and if fighting broke out, the guards would provide protection.

But causing problems in customs would lead to serious questions, and that might become a segue into-

“Aha!”

Heck. That was the boy. Ellipse shot into the elevator and smashed her fist against the buttons. She was too late though. The boy slid inside, wheels screeching as he braked, and the doors slid shut.

For a moment, the elevator was quiet. Ellipse slouched against a wall, panting, fist still pressed against the buttons. The boy had crashed his chair into the wall opposite the doors, and his chest heaved. His arms still gripped the wheels of his chair, and his hair was swept back by wind and sweat.

“Eugh,” Ellipse groaned. “You smell disgusting.”

He shot her a look, mouth wide open and eyes pinched in disbelief. “Excuse me? That’s the first thing you say to me?”

“The first thing I said to you was that I was okay,” Ellipse quipped, scrunching her nose. She sniffed and scooted along the wall, pressing herself into the closed doors. “Besides, you cannot accuse me of being rude when you are literally chasing me down and trying to arrest me.”

“You broke laws!”

Ellipse wondered if the boy noticed his chair rolling backwards. “I did not break laws!” she shouted. “I know what the laws are, and I would know if I had broken one.”

“Look, I understand that the colony charters are a bit lax, but you’re still subject to international agreements. You can’t just-

He fell, and the elevator capsule shook with the heavy, metallic bang. Ellipse crouched on the doors, still upright, and the boy had practically slammed the back of his head into the floor. Feeling spiteful, Ellipse wished a concussion on him. She jammed a finger in his face and snarled.

“I do not know who sent you. I do not care. All I know is that they have no legal claim to me. So you can either give up, or I can call security on you.”

The boy’s eyes snapped open. “I will fight you,” he growled.

“You will land on your head in fifteen seconds,” Ellipse replied. She scooted towards what used to be the ceiling and watched as the boy slid across the doors. The wheels of his chair squeaked, and his chin jutted out as his weight shifted onto his neck.

He lifted his head off the doors, eyes wide, and tried to push himself from his chair.

Ellipse clucked her tongue. “Get your head back on the doors,” she snapped. “You are going to break your neck if you fall like that.”

“I’ll probably snap my neck regardless!” the boy yelled. He fidgeted, and his wheelchair tipped, its back starting to peel away from the doors.

“No, you will put your head back where it belongs and follow your wheelchair’s trajectory.” Ellipse crouched on the corner now, testing her weight distribution. “You are going to fall on your front, but that is a lot safer than landing on your skull.”

The boy shut up and followed orders. He let out a quiet grumble and squeezed his eyes shut.

“Relax your gut,” Ellipse advised.

He craned his neck out to shoot her a suspicious glare, and the elevator pod chose that exact moment to shift the direction of its gravity. Of course.

Ellipse leapt up and grabbed the boy out of his chair. She slammed against the doors and tumbled against another wall, and then landed on her butt. The boy’s wheelchair clattered onto the floor (which formerly was the ceiling), seat side down, and the boy ended up with his torso and arms sprawled across Ellipse’s legs.

Groaning, he pushed himself up and took a long, slow look around. Ellipse kicked him off of her legs and stood.

“I am not helping you get back into your chair,” she announced. “Have fun fighting me from the ground.” Then she shoved the wheelchair out of her way and stood in front of the doors, arms crossed and lips pursed.

A moment later, the elevator eased to a stop. Smooth as butter, the doors slid open, and Ellipse strolled out, hands stuffed in the pockets of her coveralls. She even whistled a bright little tune. All around her whirled the chaos of rushing bodies and hurried conversations, and she smiled, smug with the knowledge that she had outsmarted her pursuers.

“Oh no,” the boy growled. “You’re not getting away.” Suddenly his hand wrapped around Ellipse’s ankle. She fished her lanyard from her pocket and tried to tug herself to the scanner, but it was too late. The boy pulled, and she dove straight into a patron.

Somehow, no one in the nearby vicinity cared. A few passersby glanced at the pile of bodies spilling from the elevator and moved to avoid the mess, but the general sense of chaos refused to abate or increase. No one stopped to ask if anyone was hurt, or what in heck the staff was up to in this facility. People merely went on their ways, talking business and uploading e-mails to the cross-fold server to be transmitted at a later time.

“Eugh,” Ellipse grumbled. “What is that smell?” For some reason, she half recognized the stink. Something nearby reeked of salt and frying oil and rotten milk.

The patron who had cushioned her fall deflated, letting out a long, mournful note. Poor thing sounded like a crying cat. From behind, the wheelchair boy muttered about it not being his stench. He would never smell like rotten milk.

“Oh shut up,” Ellipse hollered back. “I did not ask you.”

“I don’t really care who you asked.”

The patron honked, explosive and low and scratchy, like a fog horn, and Ellipse hurried to pick herself up. She might have jabbed a hand in the alien’s gut, but the sooner she was off of them, the better. She managed to get to her feet and deliver a few kicks in the wheelchair boy’s direction before stepping away to get a better look at her victim.

It was the siren she had encountered in the ladies’ room earlier. That explained the smell, at least, though Ellipse could not imagine how the rotten milk part had gotten mixed in. Maybe sirens were lactose-intolerant. Maybe there was a secret cheese factory somewhere in the terminal.

Actually, now that Ellipse thought about it, the gourmet restaurant in the cruise ship terminal probably manufactured some cheeses.

The siren squawked, probably in outrage, and Ellipse tucked away that train of thought. She sang a few awkward notes and watched the boy try to pull himself back into his wheelchair.

“You said you would contact my crew for me!” the siren cried, tone bordering on squeaky. “But you didn’t!”

“I am sorry,” Ellipse tried. “Odd people started chasing after me.”

With a sniff of dissatisfaction, the siren squinted up and wrinkled its seal-like snout. “Like that earthling trying to sit in his wheeley chair?”

Ellipse shrugged. The gesture had passed along to other upright species with uncanny speed, and it was universal now. “Yes?”

“You had trouble losing a pursuer with no legs?”

Evidently, wheels were a difficult concept for aquatic aliens to comprehend. Making a spinning motion with her hands, Ellipse shrugged again and tried to keep her sheepishness from scrunching her face. “Earthlings are strong, and wheels are fast.”

The siren whistled, unconvinced. “Why are you being chased? Is he your spurned special friend?”

Ellipse did not know enough words to respond. She spluttered, feeling her face run hot, and was reminded of how nice it was to have tan skin; even her strongest blushes only tinged her cheeks with subtle, pretty pink. “I am a young earthling!” she managed to sing. “I am not ready for that.”

“Oh.” The siren tipped its snout down, embarrassed. “I did not mean to presume. But you did not answer my question.”

A loud thud broke out from the open elevator, and the boy let out a series of vicious, ultra-naughty curse words. Ellipse would never utter words like that. She deigned not to look back and instead scratched the her neck and formulated a response to the alien.

“Ah, I was tricked by a lot of people when I was very small, and I realized later that I was tricked, right? And so I tried to get out of what I had been tricked into doing.” She jerked a thumb back at the elevator and tried not to stare at a passing set of bright green, feathered aliens hopping along the terminal floor. “He is trying to take me back.”

The boy must have given up on the wheelchair, because he materialized on the ground by Ellipse’s feet, balancing on what little was left of his legs. “Whatever you’re saying about me, I resent it,” he growled, fiddling with something on his belt.

Ellipse ignored him. “So that is what is happening, honorable siren.”

For a moment, the siren just stared, caught off guard by an unknown something. It blinked its shimmery black eyes, eyelids opening and closing like sliding glass doors. And then it burst into a series of trills and clicks, babbled nonsense shooting out rapidfire. A healthy, emerald green blush airbrushed the gill slits lining the side of its head, and it slapped its tail against the ground at a tempo that reminded Ellipse of applause.

“Are you okay?” she sang.

“Oh, I am wonderful.” The siren let out a few more clicks, and a nearby collection of furry, raptor-shaped aliens chattered at each other, perhaps confusing the clicking with their own language. “I have never been called honorable before. Truthfully, I am also young. You can just call me a uh… a boy, or whatever.”

Thank goodness. Ellipse hated singing siren honorifics; they all included a tritone, and she messed up the interval more often than not. Letting out a sigh of relief, Ellipse thrust out her leg to kick wheelchair boy over. She missed, unfortunately.

“Now then, since you are clearly not in the wrong, maybe we could leave this earthling boy and go find my crew?”

“Oh, yes. I would be happy to help you,” Ellipse sang. She grinned stepped forward, ready to leave the whole mess behind and get on with her life.

Then she caught a glimpse of a night-black gato with a briefcase in its mouth, and she froze. Behind her, something buzzed and crackled. The air was electric. She felt a whoosh of air and the ghostly presence of something placed too close to the back of her knee.

“I wouldn’t move, if I were you.” Oh, so now wheelchair boy’s voice chose to be low. He actually sounded intimidating.

The siren tilted his head and blinked. “You have a tiny light-tree spear pointed at you,” he remarked.

Thank you for pointing out the obvious, small siren. Ellipse clenched her jaw and pasted on her best fake smile. She was dead.

“My parents are just about here. Are you sure you can outmaneuver all three of us? Your escape routes are all gone now.”

Also, nice to know that wheelchair boy had gato parents. What kind of sci-fi Jungle Book coincidence must have transpired, Ellipse did not want to know. She bent over backwards a little, setting her hands on her hips and pretending to be casual about her stretching. “Sure,” she said, “and then you will take me in, and the people who want Elliott Bei will be very confused, because I am not who they are looking for.”

The spear inched closer, and Ellipse gulped. “You and your family will be blacklisted because you arrested an innocent,” she continued, “and everything will suck.”

The boy flicked his wrist, faking a shot at her. Maybe trying to throw him for a loop was the wrong solution. Gritting her teeth, Ellipse surveyed the crowd as it pulsed all around her. The black gato slunk towards her from the right, prehensile tails raised and ready for action. On the left, halfway hidden behind a group of earthling tourists in tacky space clothing, crouched wheelchair boy’s other parent.

“This is not how I imagined meeting someone’s parents for the first time,” she remarked. Ellipse hated herself immediately for allowing that comment to slip out of her mouth. She grimaced and tensed her thighs so she wouldn’t shift onto her toes.

“That sounds real intelligent,” wheelchair boy deadpanned.

“I know when I am being stupid,” Ellipse snapped. She wrinkled her nose and tried examining the scene again. The gato had moved closer. Maybe they would push her into the elevator and head for a quieter block of the terminal to finish the arrest. No one could get away with true violence with so many people around.

Across the hall, maybe a hundred meters away, stood a lone security guard. She blew a bubble of neon blue chewing gum and scrolled through her phone, and Ellipse decided the lady would be most unhelpful. Yelling for help might be Ellipse’s easiest course of action, but she hated dealing with the aftermath of official incidents.

She glanced down at the siren, who swiveled his head around furiously, a puzzled frown pulling at the ends of his snout. Then, he locked his gaze back on Ellipse and opened his mouth to sing.

“Proposition. Blink three times to say yes.”

Ellipse batted her eyelids and battled the desire to spin around and sneer at the boy keeping her hostage.

The siren looked away. “We wait for the parents. When they appear, I will sing a note to disorient them. You take out the boy, put me in his wheelchair, and we go to my crew.”

Though she wanted to ask what would happen after that, Ellipse blinked three times. Just getting away temporarily would be a godsend.


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Mon Sep 10, 2018 9:47 pm
BrumalHunter wrote a review...



Salutations, Buggie!

I'm certain I'll enjoy reading this chapter as much as the first one, so I can't wait to start! I'm curious to see what Ellipse did to become wanted, and I'm very interested to see more of the diverse and fascinating characters you're bound to have made.


Ah, your imagery is as wonderful as always! I shall be very disappointed if my reviews essentially consist of gushing over everything you wrote. Ugh. Anyway, how is wheelchair-boy keeping up with a fleeing girl? ...And how is the Gato not overtaking him (let's ignore the stereotype of an "animalistic" being carrying stuff in its mouth - the Gato must either adhere to the stereotype or not be bothered much by it)? I don't know what Ellipse did, but I'm rooting for her escape! It's unlikely, but eh.

Argh, Ellipse, why did you have to dally? Fortunately, the scuffle in the elevator/vacuum pod was fun to read, especially since you don't get to see someone play dirty against an officer in a wheelchair very often. Lifting him out of it is probably the lowest you can go. XD

Hmm, I wonder what species Ellipse is. It's fun to see each race's customs, as well as how the shrug apparently spread from Earth to... literally everywhere else. Also, just, the siren's "wheeley chair" statement was perfect. Ellipse also has a good excuse, even though it sounds ridiculous and the siren has a point.

...Right! Human born in space. Got it. ..."vicious, ultra-naughty curse words"? I love how Ellipse simply thinks, "How rude," before ignoring him and focusing on her job again. I also love how he appeared on his, err, limb remnants and she casually tried to kick him over. Hmm, but Ellipse really should learn not to waste time, assuming that her adversaries are beaten at the first sign of success. I'm surprised the boy's parents are Gato. It's not impossible, but still! I'd thought the black Gato was a bodyguard or attaché or something. Using Jungle Book is a good way to mock the situation. XP

Hmm, a prehensile tail is already cool, but having more than one? That sounds awesome! Man, these aliens are epic. The siren is getting better and better, and he's a lot smarter than he looks! I get the feeling Ellipse will somehow join his crew (yes, this feeling is prompted by the title), so it'll be fun to see things play out!

I kind of feel like Fox reviewing my short story, since I'm happy I discovered even a single error: "She grinned stepped forward, ready to leave the whole mess behind and get on with her life." There's an "and" missing. Yay... I feel so fulfilled... XD


Anyway, well done on another fabulous chapter! The characters are dynamic, the setting is fascinating, and the humour is simply marvelous. This is easily one of your best stories yet.

~ Hunter




Ventomology says...


Watch as the quality deteriorates over the 74 freaking chapters I wrote for this. But I'm glad you like the beginning! That's like the most important part.



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Fri Jun 15, 2018 7:43 am
ryanmakenna wrote a review...



Nice follow up to your first chapter. I was super confused during the elevator parts, however. I see that others were having trouble understanding it as well, and there have been a few suggestions already, but to simply add to it, I would say that during this part, you can't possibly be over descriptive. The more description of what is happening, the better (for this particular part). I know it may seem tedious, but honestly, all I would have needed was more of a description of what exactly was going on, and maybe an analogy or two that the reader could recognize. The elevator must work in some sort of way that can be described similar to something more common that we have on earth...maybe a roller coaster, or something similar? I got the idea of the elevator being a pod, but everything that happened with the boy falling out of his chair and not being able to get back up into it...I'm assuming it's because of gravity? But I don't want to have to assume--it would be better to just say it and describe it as much as possible so that it's crystal clear what's happening, especially since the rest of the chapter is perfect.




Ventomology says...


Yeah... the physics of rotation is probably something I should have avoided outside of just "it creates artificial gravity." Thanks for picking this up! I'll be on kind of a hiatus beginning this weekend and lasting through the end of August, so I don't know if I'll get to see your reviews until I head into serious revisions.



ryanmakenna says...


Have a good hiatus! I hope further reviews I do for you are beneficial for when you get in to making those revisions.



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Sat Jan 06, 2018 7:42 pm
Carina wrote a review...



Yo! Back again for a review. From here on out, I'll be reviewing content, such as what parts could use some work, and what parts deserve some praisin'. You've got this story ironed out pretty well, that it's the only type of critique I can only give you. Anyhoots, from the top!

Now let's talk about this elevator scene. From the other reviews, it sounds like others think this scene is confusing. I'm going to mirror that and say why. Here is all the info we are given for this scene before heck hits the fan:

It was not a real elevator, per say, more like a pod in a vacuum shoot ... The boy had crashed his chair into the wall opposite the doors ... Ellipse wondered if the boy noticed his chair rolling backwards ... He fell ... the boy had practically slammed the back of his head into the floor ... “You will land on your head in fifteen seconds,” Ellipse replied. She scooted towards what used to be the ceiling and watched as the boy slid across the doors. The wheels of his chair squeaked, and his chin jutted out as his weight shifted onto his neck.


As you know, it gets more detailed on his positioning and stuff. I had to re-read this three times to finally understand that the vacuum shot was not moving linearly. My thought was confirmed once I read the "shift the direction of its gravity" part, which was towards the end of the scene. Since other members have pointed out the confusion, here's an easy fix: say that the elevator does not move linearly, but instead has all six degrees of freedom. Meaning, the darned thing not only has translation, but also rotation! Also, be sure to say that the elevator actually started moving. When I first read this, I thought the elevator was still, lol. A sentence saying that the elevator is moving and, say, rotated 90 degrees would be very helpful to the reader.

Since I'm talking about this part anyways, I thought it would be interesting to bring up the mechanics of the elevator. I am assuming that the "shifts in gravity" happens because the elevator rotated, but do you mean it shifts in magnitude also? Maybe they were going through different fields of gravity that best suited some lifeforms, I dunno. If this was the case, it would be neat to bring in the science of what happens in magnitude changes of gravity. Of course, the most obvious one would be feeling heavier or lighter. Also! I wasn't sure how fast the elevator was going, but if it's like a vacuum with low pressures, it would have be going pretty darn fast. (i.e. hyperloop...or the mail scene in the movie Elf where he sticks his face in the letter vacuum pipe and says, "This is so sucky!") If it was fast, consider the affects of the combined angular and linear velocity, and how it could hurt an ordinary person. That is, unless they are a ninja like Ellipse. If the elevator was slow, then it's probably nothing to worry about, but the person would still have to be a ninja! (In this space age, there isn't a gyroscope on the elevator?! Now that is some old dangerous piece of artifact. :P)

I was also a little confused at this part:

Suddenly his hand wrapped around Ellipse’s ankle. ... The boy pulled, and she dove straight into a patron. ... A few passersby glanced at the pile of bodies spilling from the elevator and moved to avoid the mess ...


This is probably me being dumb, but I think you could clarify this better by adding that the boy was additionally flailing her around like a fish, causing lifeforms nearby to be knocked down.

I liked how you incorporated the siren back in. I'm looking forward to (his?) scenes involved in the future! This part also made me smirk:

Maybe sirens were lactose-intolerant. Maybe there was a secret cheese factory somewhere in the terminal.


This is a nit-pick, but I thought the following word choice sounded better:

“I am sorry,” Ellipse tried.

...to:

“I am sorry,” Ellipse chirped.


Ellipse noted that she "did not know enough words to respond," which alludes to the fact that she was not super fluent in siren-talk. If this were the case, wouldn't this mean that siren would be speaking some words that Ellipse didn't understand at all? So maybe siren could be saying something like, “Why are you being chased? Is he your ------ special friend?” and the reader/Ellipse would have to fill in the blank. I'm probably really late and there's no going back to change it now, but I thought it would be fun and humorous to write/read about. Siren is probably 'dumbing down' his word choice for Ellipse, but still!

Once again, you do descriptions wonderfully. Here's one I really liked:

It blinked its shimmery black eyes, eyelids opening and closing like sliding glass doors. And then it burst into a series of trills and clicks, babbled nonsense shooting out rapidfire. A healthy, emerald green blush airbrushed the gill slits lining the side of its head, and it slapped its tail against the ground at a tempo that reminded Ellipse of applause.


Here's another nitpick, but one to consider for the future:

No one could get away with true violence with so many people around.


People, as in, humans? Or people, as in, lifeforms? It's hard to remain grammatically correct for words like these since English was based on humans, not aliens. But perhaps the word "people" evolved to mean everyone of all species.

That's all I have! I hope these comments help. Now, to the next chapter.

Cheers,
Carina




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Sat Jul 08, 2017 7:27 pm
TheSilverFox wrote a review...



Ellipse doesn't yet realize that the quickest way to invoke trouble is to be confident that she has escaped it. :P

Yay, Chapter 2! It's definitely a bit longer than the last one, but still manages to be easy to read (it also helps that I'm a fast reader when I want to be). I'll admit that I liked it even more than the first one; the action is solid, the details of Ellipse's surroundings are incorporated at appropriate times, and we learn a bit more about her constant array of facades and the nature of wheelchair boy. Even when threatened, she still tries to put on a smile and make everything seem as ordinary as possible, if only to create a ruse and plot an escape, which I always find interesting. In particular, I love that juxtaposition between her false appearances and her frightened, frustrated, snappy real self. Such as when she basically bribes a siren by flattery to join a spaceship whose existence she barely knows, which can't have any possible problems, as we'll soon find out. XD

Wheelchair boy is surprisingly resilient and dangerous, even if horribly daft in an elevator. I'm going to guess his parents were killed in some kind of accident, costing him his legs, whereupon he was adopted by a pair of gatos (perhaps leading to cultural shock followed by a cultural transition that makes him a little strange in the eyes of most humans) who appear to have been either hired or taken it upon themselves to capture Elliot Bei, presumably for a profit. Still, I have absolutely zero sympathy for our antagonist, thanks to his determination and threats, and am indeed annoyed at Ellipses's failure to properly kick him. She's not much of an action hero, is she? :P

I suppose that I'm straying from the point, which is actually about the elevator. It's easily my favorite part of the story, considering their tense conversations and how the elevator actually changes gravity repeatedly, but a bit confusing for me to read through. Of course, it's challenging to properly explain where everyone and everything is if the gravity keeps changing direction, but I just found it hard to visualize the wheelchair sliding around and such. On the bright side, you provide a nice hint via the wheelchair's beginning to move, which made me curious enough to read on and see why that would be the case. Hence, I don't have any solid criticisms, and everything else is just nitpicking.

In the end, I find this a nice, well-paced chapter that expands on the introduction effectively, and I look forward to reading the next part. Well done!




Ventomology says...


I'm pretty sure that craft-wise, things just go down from here. But you will like the antagonist, I think. I know I enjoy writing him, so hopefully you'll enjoy reading about him.

Thanks so much! Also don't forget to tag me when you start posting chapters.



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Mon Jun 26, 2017 1:19 pm
ExOmelas wrote a review...



Hey again. I think I'm going to do at least 5 today, but probably not more than 10. I didn't realise how many chapters you'd already published xD

Nit-picks and nice moments:

she knew rules like they were elementary school rivals-turned-crushes.

I'm not really sure what is meant by this.

in order to preserve her life.

The incident at the end of the last chapter didn't really feel life-threatening.

There, someone could pull up her papers and vouch for her identity.

Ohhhh I see. Does the boy really believe she's this Elliott person? I didn't really get that.

that might become a segue into-

A great way of keeping suspense about her past up :P

“I do not know who sent you. I do not care. All I know is that they have no legal claim to me. So you can either give up, or I can call security on you.”

Ohhhh it IS her! I rrrrrreally didn't get that :P Now that I think about it it might just be me being thick. If most of the rest of your reviewers have realised where you're going, ignore me.

You are going to break your neck if you fall like that.”

I think that would flow better as "You're going to..."

she had outsmarted her pursuers.

She seems to just have one pursuer.

“Ah, I was tricked by a lot of people when I was very small, and I realized later that I was tricked, right? And so I tried to get out of what I had been tricked into doing.” She jerked a thumb back at the elevator and tried not to stare at a passing set of bright green, feathered aliens hopping along the terminal floor. “He is trying to take me back.”

That's a really good subtle way of explaining what's going on.

“That sounds real intelligent,” wheelchair boy deadpanned.

I like his tone here but I'm not sure about the word intelligent. Maybe smooth? Like, "Real smooth, Elliott."

What exactly is "true violence"?

Overall:

Character: Other than me confusing myself round in circles, I am continuing to enjoy Ellipse as a focal point and you've done a great job of getting me interested in her history. I think the boy might need a bit more of a reason to be angry. She's broken laws, sure, but he seems old enough to think if these laws are worth breaking. Even just saying that was she did was wrong would work. Alternatively, give him some reason for really caring about laws.

Setting: Good job again, though maybe continue to emphasise that nobody's paying attention to them. It's what you'd naturally expect, so I got confused when nobody interfered for a while before I remembered that little paragraph.

Plot: I really enjoy the pacing of this and the amount of questions I have, while also enjoying the answers I'm fed. Essentially, I'm going to hurry up my lunch so I can review the next chapter of this.

See you after my macaroni cheese,
Biscuits :)




Ventomology says...


Since it seems like you're hitting everything at once, I'm going to avoid being the broken record and just thank you again when you're done. Admittedly, I am a bad earthling and will purposefully confuse you in later chapters, so if the Ellipse/Elliott thing gets wonky later, it's definitely on purpose.

Thanks again!



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Thu Apr 06, 2017 4:52 pm
BluesClues wrote a review...



Back again!

So I'm having a little issue with "wheelchair boy." Like "boy in a wheelchair" was fine for a bit there, but "wheelchair boy" makes it sound like the wheelchair is his defining characteristic when I would probably go with "bounty hunter" or maybe "jerk." Also, it sort of makes it sound like you think we're gonna forget he's in a wheelchair, which, nope.

I loved these lines.

Thank goodness. Ellipse hated singing siren honorifics; they all included a tritone, and she messed up the interval more often than not.


Ellipse shrugged. The gesture had passed along to other upright species with uncanny speed, and it was universal now.


“You and your family will be blacklisted because you arrested an innocent,” she continued, “and everything will suck.”


Also this one, even though Ellipse immediately hated herself for it.

“This is not how I imagined meeting someone’s parents for the first time,” she remarked.


I was a little confused with the bit in the elevator-type-thing. Are these elevators known for ricocheting around their tunnels, upsetting the people inside? I guess I just couldn't understand why Ellipse and the boy (well, mostly the boy) were flying back and forth and landing on the floor which was previously the ceiling and so on. It was a difficult scene for me to keep up with.

Also I'm a little confused as to whether or not Ellipse is, in fact, the person the boy is after. Like in the last chapter it was all denial and the chapter ended off with "she had done nothing wrong," which made me think No. But then in this part she says this to the siren.

“Ah, I was tricked by a lot of people when I was very small, and I realized later that I was tricked, right? And so I tried to get out of what I had been tricked into doing.” She jerked a thumb back at the elevator and tried not to stare at a passing set of bright green, feathered aliens hopping along the terminal floor. “He is trying to take me back.”


Which made me think yes, and she was just denying it to the boy because he's trying to capture her, and maybe she's being very literal because the name he's using wasn't her real name or something, so she's like, "Nope, not the droid you're looking for" but actually she is.

But maybe that'll be cleared up soon.

Moving on.
Blue




Ventomology says...


You are so right about the wheelchair thing. I can't believe I didn't think about that... ah, that's embarrassing. I'll have to keep that in mind when he shows up again.

Also, as funny as it would be to thank you five times in a row, that would be awfully redundant, so I guess I'll save it for the last one?



BluesClues says...


Sounds good to me :)



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Sun Feb 26, 2017 5:48 pm
Featherstone wrote a review...



Heyo again, it's me, Feather, here with a flashy review filled with more terrible puns (stop me before I'm punished!)!

So once more you awe me in your ability to just not make spelling errors or grammatical errors or punctuation errors. *high fives*

I guess Ellipse is friends with a siren, now. Cool name, by the way.

Once more it takes an unexpected turn as the siren promises to aid her and the wheelchair boy has gato parents to help him out. Keeps getting better and better...or more complicated.

Dialogue is amazing <3 I wish I could do it like you. The way you have the action interspersed through it is great.

All in all, you did another great job. Tag me when you publish the next chapter, would ya?

Nice job!

-Feather




Ventomology says...


Hey, thanks for reviewing! I'm not sure if I'm going to do any tagging for this piece, since it's a part of the LMS contest, but if you can't find chapter 3 next week, just let me know and I'll link you.

I'm glad you enjoyed the read! I was a little worried people wouldn't find this as funny as I intended.

Happy review day!



Featherstone says...


You, too! I'll keep an eye out for the next chapter. If you do tag, though, put me on the list :wink:. Also, I'll try to stop with the unbearable puns. Haha, just kidding. They'll never end.



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Sun Feb 26, 2017 12:06 am
voiceofdragons wrote a review...




Guess who's back, back again. Voice is back, tell a friend. I'm just gonna hop into reviewing and reading, aye.

Just like the previous chapter, your opening paragraph is golden and I'm already giggling.

I'm wondering if she is who she says she is...but I'm sure that's your intention!! I'm really itching to know. Also wheelchair boy is great.

And so is that whole elevator interaction!

So the dialogue is pretty amaze balls.

I'm really liking the explanations of the siren's native tongue.

AHHH. That felt so short but I know it was about 4k? Your pacing is very nice! I didn't see any spelling errors and didn't catch any grammatical errors (that might just be an error of my own, however, being caught up in the story as I was).

I am really looking forwards to the next chapter! Cheers!




Ventomology says...


Wheelchair boy is pretty great, yeah. I'm glad you like him! Hopefully I can pull him off without being ableist.

Fyi, this story is part of an endurance contest know as the LMS. You've probably seen a few things in the Green Room with that acronym, so if you're looking for stuff to review for the long run, these are the pieces to go for!

Anyways, thanks so much for taking the time to review this! I look forward to hearing from you again, and if there's anything you'd like reviewed, I'd be happy to return the favor.

Happy review day!




Goos are anarchists.
— WeepingWisteria