Ellipse wished the boys were with her instead of at their meeting with Wellspring Inc. Central Park was just so huge, and though it was not as crowded as the rest of the city, Ellipse felt uneasy in the presence of so many other earthlings. Her skin tingled every time she accidentally brushed someone else’s skin, and her eyes felt like they would explode whenever she made eye contact with a stranger. She was used to being in space, either alone or surrounded by aliens who could not reliably interpret her body language or easily place her face.
She wore one of Tejal’s old jackets, a hard-shell zip-up he had outgrown during their galivanting, with the hood pulled over her head, and tried to remember what the map near the entrance had looked like. But she did not need to, because as soon as the rounded the next corner, she saw the busy street ahead of her, and hotdog carts loitering on the sidewalk. Ellipse picked up the pace and glanced at her watch. She was late.
The Met was a mass of concrete so huge that Ellipse could not see the trees of Central Park behind it. She gawped at its entrance, amazed by the humongous staircase. No one in space used grand staircases like this. Giant purple posters about the newest temporary exhibit hung from the porch ceiling, and Ellipse regretted choosing this as the meeting place. She would never find a stranger here.
“Excuse me.” Someone tapped her shoulder, and Ellipse whipped around.
She faced a woman about her height, and Ellipse gulped. It had been so long since she looked anyone in the eye without needing to look up or down. The woman had pale skin and black hair, with a too-sharp jaw and too-harsh eyes. Her voice was scratchy.
“Ellie Tibot?”
Ellipse narrowed her eyes. “Mi Na Park?”
The woman inclined her head just so. “Miss Park to you. Randi tells me you’ve run into some day tubai hunters. Follow me and we’ll talk as we go.”
“Where are we going?”
“Around,” Miss Park answered. “The Highline has some fountains you can splash in.”
“I have perfume on,” Ellipse offered. But Miss Park had already pivoted and begun walking away, and Ellipse had no choice but to follow.
Miss Park spoke as she walked, explaining the plan brusquely, and in not nearly enough detail. “There is a lot of timing involved in this,” she said. “We had to keep your debut from happening, first. There was no telling what you would do to Andra-Media’s value.”
Well, Ellipse thought, scowling, that sounded rather clinical.
“Randi also thought it was in your best interest to not be involved in show business. No child is going to grow up healthy playing to the whims of a figure-obsessed dietician. And despite your linguistic and musical genius, you were still too young for a full time job.”
Ellipse thought back to days spent with a growling stomach and sore muscles and a mean lady telling her that the splits were not enough. That was a little more reasonable. But she still did not like the idea of being left in space because she was somehow in the way. Her pace dropped slightly, putting more open sidewalk between her and the lawyer.
“Randi had been amassing stocks since turning eighteen, and with you out of the picture, it became a little more possible to force Andra-Media’s stock values to crash and fall.” Miss Park looked back expectantly, one eyebrow arched, and Ellipse caught up to her. “Your compositions are a massive part of the company’s image, after all. Once the new album without your music dropped, that universality of Andra’s music fell away, and people lost faith. Randi sold right before that, made a boatload, and then bought more shares later.”
Ellipse could see where this was going. Randi was going to buy up Andra-Media stock until the company rested solidly in their control, and then stage a coup. In the corner of her eye, Ellipse watched the rusticated street-front of an office building pass by.
“The building process is going on again,” Miss Park continued. “In about a year, the stocks should be at a level where Randi can force another stock crash and buy out enough shares to take over. We can make a few new deals and change the media forever.” She led Ellipse up a few steps, then down under the street, through a hole in the ground covered by old, green iron and dusty glass.
“That sounds kind of illegal,” Ellipse said.
Miss Park shrugged. “It sort of is. Insider trading is very much frowned upon. But we’re doing it for a good cause. When everything goes to court, I’m quite certain I can sway things in our favor. I’ll give you a few minutes to think.”
They continued down a set of steep stairs, into tunnels lit with LEDs and colorful subway line signs, and Ellipse thought.
She wished someone had asked her first, before everything was set into motion. She wished she had been given the option of saying no. Being hungry and achy and scared of producers was nothing compared to being sent away without explanation or promise that she would be accepted back.
Being a pawn, Ellipse decided, felt very much like being underground. She stood on a subway platform, staring at the tracks while Miss Park watched her with too-perceptive eyes. The yellow lighting cast shadows on everything and nothing, and Ellipse felt like the whole world would crash down on her if she tried to move away from the set, carved spaces that already existed.
A roar built up in the tunnel, and a set of headlights zoomed ever closer. Ellipse winced as wind burst out in front of the subway train.
“So?” Miss Park finally prompted. “I assume you like the plan.”
The train stopped, and Ellipse admired its sleek, chrome exterior. Acrylic inlays denoted the route, and a flashing LED panel displayed the name of the final stop. The train could only follow the track.
Ellipse hated the plan. She gulped and looked back at Miss Park. “A year is a long time for me to be on the run, you know.”
Miss Park’s neutral face darkened into a scowl. “And?”
Okay, nevermind. Eye contact was bad. Suddenly, Ellipse’s shoes were the most interesting thing she had ever seen, and the little black ink doodles of sirens and seashores on the white canvas were so very pretty. “I am just saying!” she squeaked. “What happens if I get caught?”
“Then everything is down the drain.” Miss Park waved at the train door, and Ellipse jolted into motion, stepping robotically over the gap between train and platform, and closing a fist around a pole near the door.
“You have to stay hidden.”
Heck. The words spilled before Ellipse could think. Her heartbeat thundered and raced, and her fist clenched hard on the metal rod, and she felt anger carve deep, new wrinkles into her brow. “Maybe I am sick of it!” she hissed. “Did you and And-Randi ever think of that?”
Mi Na Park, frustratingly, did not flinch, only tipped her head down a degree or two.
“Did you ever stop and consider the fact that you sent a fifteen year old girl out to live on her own without any physical contact with the one family member she had left? Without any friends? Without the slightest hint of an emotional support network?”
Ellipse’s shoulders shook, and she jabbed a finger in Mi Na Park’s face. The woman flinched, finally.
No one on the subway paid attention. There were always crazy people on public transportation.
“I know your intentions are good. I get it!” Spit flew. Or maybe it was tears. Ellipse was not one-hundred percent sure. “But the end never justifies the means! I was alone for a year, and you two never told me why until I came down to Earth and asked you!”
She choked on her spit and gasped, and wet lines crisscrossed her cheeks. The all-encompassing roar of the subway train flying down tunnels filled the silence, building and building as Ellipse fought to force words out of her throat.
“I felt abandoned out there,” she sobbed. “And so I am not—in any way—obligated to help you. I know what I want. If I have to break your plan to get it, I will.”
The train slowed, and Ellipse’s dramatic moment was cut short by her stumbling to keep her feet flat on the ground. She grabbed the back of a plastic seat for stability, and then yelped when the train came to a complete stop and sent jerks rippling down her limbs.
She stomped off the train and stood on the platform and watched as the shiny, chrome doors closed on the lawyer.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Here we go again!
Nit-picks and nice moments:
It would never have occurred to me that Tejal would have been growing this whole time. Nice detail!
I don't really understand what this exchange means.
Splits?
That is the exact right line of dialogue there.
This is very rational sounding language from someone who is clearly in so much emotional turmoil. It's the right sentiment, but I'd be surprised if she managed to get the thought out that articulately.
Overall:
So, I'm a teensy bit on edge because I'm worried you'll err too much on the side of mystery. It is very important that I at some stage can piece together the entirety of what's going on. I get that the plan is to in some way manipulate the stock market in a less than ethical way, but I am as yet unclear on how Ellipse being away plays into that, or what part Ellipse has actually played in the plan. Also, is the entire point of this to get the company more money? There's a couple of times where it sounds like there's a larger, maybe even moral, purpose but I'm not clear on that either. It's not like you should have explained this yet, in fact that would inevitably become infodump-y. I've just noticed you hide in mystery a couple of times so I want to pre-empt that.
I get a really good idea of the new character here, which is something you're always very good at. Ellipse behaves exactly as I'd expect her to, alternately nervous and strong, which is extremely heart-warming. And the setting of the subway is also really useful and clever.
Hope this helps,
Biscuits
haha I'm crying
This chapter has everything I wanted, everything I didn't expect, and everything I didn't know I wanted to see. I'm not quite sure where or how to begin, so I'll focus on the only blemish:
*promised (it's probably fine otherwise, it just looks kind of weird)
As for the chapter itself, wow. It's a whirlwind of emotion, building up from anxiety at the start to fury at the end. You could've stopped this chapter halfway and I still would've been immensely impressed - Andra's strategy to take down their company is brilliant. Definitely illegal, but their use of influence to damage Andra-Media and gradually orchestrate a coup is a testament to Andra's intelligence and desire for justice. I hadn't thought of a plan like that, but it's a near flawless, sensible plan. Furthermore, it confirms my suspicions that Andra does not necessarily equal Andra-Media, but also explains why neither Andra nor Miss Park told Ellipse about the plan/generally neglected her. Ellipse was always meant to hide off to the side, to come out only when Andra finally wins the war against her own company. With her musical and language skills, Ellipse is vital to Andra-Media's prominence; heaven forbid she be caught.
And yeah, you could've stopped right there and left Ellipse to simmer in her frustration in the train station, using evocative metaphors to express Ellipse's hatred of the plan and her feeling trapped and manipulated, but you decided to go further. It's so gratifying to watch Ellipse tear into Miss Parks. Based on Miss Parks' behavior - scowling, suggesting there's fountains for Ellipse to splash around in, thinking that Ellipse likes the plan, treating Ellipse like a child - I didn't have a good impression of her. Therefore, I was quiet happy when Ellipse deconstructed and destroyed Parks' throwing her out into space and leaving her without a single family member or friend for company. Miss Parks and Randi mean well. They really do want justice, and I feel the ends can justify the means. But they never, for a second, thought about Ellipse's feelings. They just assumed that she would happily join their plan and stick to it. So Ellipse retorting by calling out their unintentional cruelty is amazing, as is defying their plan. Do I expect Randi and Miss Parks to react? Of course; Ellipse is now a huge threat to their operation. But Ellipse gets her moment, and it's beautiful. She gets to take a stand for herself, fight back against the chessboard, and walk away the better party. And I think I cried partly because of how fulfilling it was.
At this point, I imagine Ellipse will go and see the nerds. It's going to be hard to follow this chapter, particularly considering how effectively you use language and metaphors to express Ellipse's feelings vividly and memorably (to where even a direct statement that Ellipse hates the plan feels unnecessary), but I know you can do it. All in all, well done!
*cue evil laughter*
Oho we are just getting into the best parts.
but my poor feels. ;-;
Awwwww. Poor Ellipse.
So first of all, this answers my question from Chapter 58.
I love how the whole plan hinges on Randi illegally having the inside scoop on stock prices, forcing a crash, and then buying up all the stocks once they're dirt-cheap. Like, wow. What a plan. I'm sure Mi Na Park is a great lawyer, plus if Randi and Ellipse are both underage they probably can't actually get in too much trouble for that, but wow.
I have to say, despite the "out of concern for the younger sibling" and how mean Andra-Media were to them, this doesn't sound all that noble of Randi. Like, you've got that line in there about how the older sister realized they were being underpaid for their "genius," and then considering the whole plan relies on a crash that honestly could upset the whole stock market if Andra-Media are as big as I think they are... I'm kind of with Ellipse on this, like, yeah, okay, you're trying to "change media forever," that's nice, but how kind of you to send Ellipse out on her own and into hiding with no support and a bunch of bounty-hunters on her tail.
The story itself is a little awkwardly told, I think partly because a) Ellipse knows the part where Andra-Media came and took them away to be stars, but it's kind of written as if she didn't, and b) her memory interrupts it abruptly but then it goes back into the story and there's no real transition.
I guess there's the "and focused her attention back on the story," but I think the "and so" in the next line feels weird after the "and focused." It might also be because the story is told in the narration rather in dialogue? So like in dialogue an interruption where we see Ellipse's thoughts and her following Miss Park would feel more natural, but when it's all part of the narration it's not as smooth, if that makes sense.
I'm debating whether or not to say I don't feel like we've had enough of a glimpse into this particular emotion of Ellipse's throughout the story. So I won't comment on it, but know that I am thinking about it.
Like sometimes we kind of see her thinking about it but mostly we see her fear of bounty-hunters and her snark. So this doesn't need to be at the surface, but it should probably be clearer, but also it doesn't feel totally out of nowhere? which is why I can't decide.
I'm just going to answer all the reviews at once:
Apparently jarring jumps are a feature that [i]really[\i] will have to be worked on. I guess with that last one between 58 and 59 I was trying to keep some things under wraps.
Same with this chapter, honestly. I might go back and rewrite those couple paragraphs so that it's literally just 'here's a thing we did' in dialogue and only from the Randi/Andra-plus-lawyer side.
It was like 2 in the morning when I wrote this also, which definitely means I should go back.
Thanks so much!
Okay I edited that plan bit in case you'd like to look at it again.
Oh yeah, that reads a lot more naturally now.