z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Conics Unfortunately: 18

by Ventomology


Way to make everything like four-hundred percent more dramatic, Focci. Raising her hands in a shrug, Ellipse squinted at the boys and frowned like she had just gotten too close to a methane-breather. “Okay, whatever. You are working on big important things. Why does it matter who makes this mini fold generator first?”

Tejal lunged to answer, flinging out his arms and almost hitting Focci with the device. “Because if the specifus make it, they’ll continue to have a total monopoly on all fold-related systems! They created the fold stations, and it’s their architects who design all stations, and their computers that run all the logistics.”

“I know that the gato and my own people would be exceptionally pleased to see the specifus taken down a notch,” Focci added. He grinned, showing his canines, and Ellipse wanted to back away and flee from the techno-political nonsense. She had dealt with enough intergalactic competition before her janitor stint, thank you very much.

Instead she just nodded and pretended she cared. “I see.”

“Do you though?” Tejal asked, pinching a loose piece from the air and fitting it back into his device. “Like, this is pretty heavy stuff, and you’re all flippant and whatever-ey, like it’s not going to affect you.”

Ellipse rolled her eyes. “Aside from having internet access in empty space, how is this all-important invention going to change my life?”

Tejal almost snorted, a challenging smirk stretching his lips. “Identification cross referencing will be totally revolutionized out in space. It’ll be more like Earth and other on-planet systems and less of a big free-for-all where you can go wherever you want, entirely under the radar.”

“And you think that would change things for me?” Ellipse fired back, a smirk of her own growing on her chin. She had nothing to fear from increased security, regardless of how similar she looked to any famous runaways.

Focci glanced between the pair of earthlings, snout wrinkling. He seemed confused by where Tejal had led the conversation. “Earthling boy,” he said, letting Mouthbot translate for him, “why security when there are far more interesting applications? For one, shipping logistics would be made much much easier, and emergency response times could be cut in half. You could also stream movies during down time, have real-time updates on news and personal accounts, and maybe even take on freelance drafting work while flying.”

Thank the big bang for that siren. As Mouthbot finished translating for Tejal, Ellipse shot the kid a smug, lopsided grin. “Yeah, Tejal, what is the deal with security? Have you not gotten into my passports yet? Figured out who I am?”

Tejal scowled. “Well I was going to, but Focci had stuff to finish up here, and then we got to talking about engineering, and I showed him my generator, and then you barged in.”

“I would be happy to answer any questions and dispel any concerns,” Ellipse said, voice as sweet as high fructose corn syrup. She laced her fingers together and leaned forward, only sort of managing to get into Tejal’s space bubble. “Go on, try me. You will find that my identity is foolproof.”

“I think I liked talking about the fold generator more,” Focci sang, voice quivering, before Tejal could get in any kind of statement. Ellipse let her smug look turn downright taunting, and Tejal shot her and Focci twin snarls. Then he made the little I-am-watching-you sign.

Batting her eyes, Ellipse schooled herself into wide-eyed, flirtatious begging and clasped her hands together in front of her chest. “Oh yes, Tejal. We should go back to your little nerdfest. Leave this poor victim of mistaken identity alone.”

Tejal hauled himself away like Ellipse was some kind of boogeyman, a horrified grimace reaching into every just-forming wrinkle on his face. “Please never do that again,” he squeaked from his hiding place behind Focci. Then he hissed something about girls and terror and different species, which Mouthbot conveniently translated over the ship’s speakers.

After a moment, Ellipse broke into snickering and Focci shrugged. “I cannot relate,” he said. “We sirens have very little in the way of traditional gender roles.”

At this, Ellipse snickered louder, and Tejal flushed dark pink the moment he heard Mouthbot’s translation. This time he muttered a curse word and some nonsense about finding a kindred soul. Then, once the grumbling passed out of his system, Tejal turned to Focci again and quirked an eyebrow. “By the way, what exactly do you know about Spec-Corp’s attempt at the miniature fold generator?”

Focci’s fins fanned in surprise at the question. “Eh? It is not much, just the same tragedy your parents must have told you after it happened.”

“What?” Ellipse asked. “There was a tragedy?” That sounded a lot more exciting than intergalactic corporate battles and monopolies.

Shaking his head, Tejal pulled himself back to his original spot between the other crew members. “My parents didn’t really tell me anything. I knew there were deaths, but that’s it.”

Oh, so it was a real tragedy, not just some epic specifus failure. Ellipse frowned, trying to think up a way to excuse herself, but by the time she opened her mouth, Focci had begun to set the scene.

“It was a little less than three years ago,” he sang, and something in his tone shifted. Focci sounded almost like a French horn or a trombone, something resonant and classic, and Ellipse called mayday in her head. No one left or interrupted a ballad session; it was one of the basic rules of siren courtesy. It was the equivalent of not saying please and thank you or abandoning a campfire because someone was telling ghost stories.

“A specifus ship, the RV Impending, drifted out into open space beyond the fold generator in the Tubai system. They traveled for nearly half a year, to ensure that no harm would befall the Tubai residents.”

A year on the specifus home planet was maybe nine months on Earth, if Ellipse correctly remembered Universal Biology’s brief table on planetary years. For Sirena, a year took only seven months.

“When at last the Impending reached a suitable distance,” Focci continued, “its crew began their tests. They had brought fold generators the size of houses down to generators that might fit inside one of our cargo crates, and began their tests from largest to smallest.”

Ellipse glanced over at Tejal, and he fidgeted, like he wanted to add something. She drew a finger across her lips and hoped he got the message.

“The specifus found that as they forced the folds to be smaller and smaller, the generators spent more and more energy to contain the fold and prevent it from vibrating and cutting in and out of connection. Only weeks into their tests, the generators began to fail. First, it was little failures. A plug might spew a few sparks into empty space, or an arc of particle connectors might give out. But nonetheless, all of the generators worked. However, for the idea of a vast network of folds to work, it had to be safe to pass one fold through another.”

Tejal sucked in a breath, eyes blazing. He bit his lip, just itching to speak, and Ellipse shushed him again before he could speak.

“So the specifus fired up their biggest and smallest folds, and sent half of their crew into a little shuttle to drag the smallest fold. The shuttle passed through the larger fold easily, and so did the chain hauling the small fold. But as the folds neared each other, they began to spark and move. The bend of space-time forced them to circle each other, like a star and a gas giant too close for comfort, and then the folds collided.

“Like a supernova, the ships and folds and generators condensed into each other, and then everything expelled outward, in a distorted sphere of dust and gas and ribbons of metal. The night-gliders of Tubai say the explosion was like a second moon in the sky. No one ever heard from the Impending crew again.”

Ellipse shivered as Focci lingered on his last notes. Ballads were like twenty-first century brass solos, all haunting notes and rhythms and intervals, and she wished popular music would take after the sound a little more. Her fingers pressed trumpet fingerings into her right thigh, as if trying to replicate the music.

When Mouthbot finally finished translating and tried to ask Ellipse questions about ship names and similes, Tejal pinched his nose and sighed.

“What?” Ellipse asked him, ignoring the computer.

“It’s just… the specifus went about it all wrong,” Tejal explained, picking at the device in his hands. “If you want a miniature fold generator to work, you have to start from the quarks and go bigger, not start from what we’ve got and go smaller. Plus you don’t even need to stop the flicker. It’s like the vibrating quartz in wristwatches; it’s constant and can be worked into the programming.”

If only that made any kind of sense. Focci seemed to understand despite Mouthbot fumbling around the word ‘quark,’ but Ellipse felt like she had been left in deep space.


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Sun Jul 30, 2017 12:34 am
ExOmelas wrote a review...



Hey there, welcome to the first in a long string of slightly hasty Review Day reviews! I apologise for any spelling errors that occur but hopefully I'll be able to catch up with your posting of this and maybe even grab the most recent one before it's out the green room :P

Nit-picks and nice moments:

Way to make everything like four-hundred percent more dramatic, Focci.

This should maybe be in italics because it's a direct thought.

Tejal lunged to answer, flinging out his arms and almost hitting Focci with the device. “Because if the specifus make it, they’ll continue to have a total monopoly on all fold-related systems! They created the fold stations, and it’s their architects who design all stations, and their computers that run all the logistics.”

This was a very effective bit of slight characterisation that got info in without dumping it. Good job!

Ellipse fired back, a smirk of her own growing on her chin. She had nothing to fear from increased security, regardless of how similar she looked to any famous runaways.

Maybe here you could even mention that it would be useful for her.

Focci glanced between the pair of earthlings

This is slightly jarring because "earthlings" sounds like what Focci would call them, but the next sentence is clearly from Ellipse's perspective.

Then he made the little I-am-watching-you sign.

Might want to describe what this looked like a bit more.

“We sirens have very little in the way of traditional gender roles.”

Woot! Go sirens :P

Oh, so it was a real tragedy, not just some epic specifus failure.

It sort of sounded like she already thought it was this, like she was excited to finally hear something really interesting.

Her fingers pressed trumpet fingerings into her right thigh, as if trying to replicate the music.

That is a really nice little detail.

Overall:

Character: I really like the way Focci is expressed in this, and the way he feels trapped in the middle of Ellipse and Tejal. Poor, poor Focci. I think you've also struck the right balance with Tejal here, as in, I think I sympathise with him the exact amount I should xD I think it might be interesting if, when Focci started to sing and Tejal didn't understand, Ellipse was reminded of a connection she has to Focci that Tejal does not, and be reassured.

Setting: ermagerd how big is this ship? The thing goes on the speakers, so is it overheard by anyone? I'm so confused. They needed an adult, was there not already an adult flying it? Is the entire thing full of children? My guess is no, that seems unlikely. But it also seemed like a busier ship than that before for some reason.

Plot: The plot is moving along at a really good pace here, and you're working in the flashbacks, which is super effective. Please somebody mention Wrecktrix though - I'm really worried about him. Makes their relationships to Min and Captain Maj interesting though, this whole specifus backstory.

Hope this helps,
Biscuits :)




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Wed Jul 26, 2017 8:17 pm
TheSilverFox wrote a review...



Quark will never not be a funny word. :P

At this point, I believe I only have six more chapters to review? I may as well get to it, starting with this one.

...that is a much worse fate for the Recreational Vehicle of Impending Doom that I had predicted. They spent about four months and fifteen days (traveling at speeds presumably faster than, for instance, the New Horizons probe, which presently is moving at around 14.35 km/s, says wikipedia) to explode in such a catastrophic disaster that it was described to be "a second moon in the sky." Assuming the Tubai system has a moon that's about as big as ours, the implications of such an explosion means that I am now seriously concerned about how Tejal plans to pull this off. Any mistake could precipitate a disaster that could potentially destroy an entire planet, particularly if the amount of power required to actually run a fold generator is condensed into a small space. However, given his intelligence on the topic, it seems as though he has a few contingencies. If he can work the nature/complications of the components into the device itself, accommodating each of them, he should be able to create a stable system with effective failsafes. If that doesn't work, he can always use a system of folds to send miniature fold generators into empty space; if they malfunction, the corresponding folds can close and allow the generator/its own folds to explode. Then again, the RV Impending did fail because of systems of folds, so...yeah, this will be fun. And dangerous. XD

Also, I'm now tempted to call it the RV Imploding, sorry. :P

Beyond that, I'm rather happy with the way the story's fitting together. The later outrage of the specifus now makes sense, as does some of Tejal's motivations. That he's still trying to discern her identity doesn't surprise me. However, the truth is that she's been keeping herself secret for far longer than he's been trying to find out the real her. Given this, there's something fun about pointing out that her alibi is foolproof, taking shots at his own game, and having a relatively unwitting ally in Focci, who notes the single-mindedness of his interpretation of the fold generator's uses. I think he might be more correct than he knows, as a dictatorship or group like Andra-Media could easily step in and take advantage of the miniature fold generator to build a solid network of as many people as possible. When that occurs, nobody's under the radar, and the scrutiny of all of them could become that much more fierce. At least it's better to sing a ballad about a doomed ship than think about the prospects of a techno-dictatorship, as Focci showed in a wonderful bit of worldbuilding (complete with Tejal's intense concentration on shutting up. xD). :P

So, all in all, I love the growing plot. Ellipse's lack of concern and/or confusion is imprudent on her part, as the technological and political consequences mean that she will likely be back to her old struggles, as they've all become significant in the eyes of the story's major powers. As such, I look forward to the next chapters and the possible conflicts that will arise (and I believe they will come, which bolsters my curiosity). Well done!




Ventomology says...


Willful ignorance is one of my favorite character weaknesses, because it provides such great opportunities for dramatic irony. I actually think you'll really enjoy how Ellipse's involvement with the fold generator changes over time.

Thanks again!



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Sun Jun 25, 2017 9:43 pm
Virgil wrote a review...



This is Nikayla here dropping in for a review on Review Day!

This is a trend that I've noticed over long amounts of time spent reviewing novel chapters: prose people usually don't like description all that much, do they? I guess I understand since it is prose and you don't want it to become purple or without purpose, but this is something that I find on the site a lot as a flaw. In a way I think this causes talking heads in your writing due to the lack of description when it comes to the setting around these characters. It's not that the characters aren't doing anything in the dialogue, because they are.

It's more that the setting around them isn't very detailed or described in this chapter. I do admit like Blue that I don't get the science here completely either though that doesn't restrain me from reading something and often when there's that element of reality or truth I tend to try and look it up and at least learn about it a little bit. The end of the chapter I admit made me giggle a little because of Ellipse just because she doesn't really understand the Mouthbot.

I have to say that this chapter is a little slow both plot-wise and pacing-wise? Basically this chapter is a bit of a snail when it doesn't have to be, though I don't mind all that much. I could be a little impatient though and this chapter is still pretty well off when it comes to character development and building on them by the means of dialogue. I would like it though if you ended up playing around with this chapter because I want to see the changes that you'd make here if you experimented with it. Overall though, a solid enough chapter!

If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.

Image




Ventomology says...


Yeah, I've been having some pacing issues with this series. Space travel is time-consuming in this universe, and so much happens during that time, but space is also really empty, and so balancing that with the need for action has been a challenge.

Hopefully I'll get better at that as I keep going. I also may have bitten off more than I could chew plot-wise. I did read your other review!

Thanks for giving this a read, and for the input on the science and pacing!



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Mon Jun 19, 2017 1:26 pm
BluesClues wrote a review...



Me, too, Ellipse. But I don't really mind not 100% getting the science here, because like The Martian gets into some pretty heavy, very real science, and I love that one! Even when I don't understand the science, I like it when sci-fi's explanations are an extension of existing science rather than science-pulled-out-of-someone's-butt.

“Because if the specifus make it, they’ll continue to have a total monopoly on all fold-related systems! They created the fold stations, and it’s their architects who design all stations, and their computers that run all the logistics.”


I'm curious about this, mostly because they're traveling on a specifus ship right now with a universal translator that automatically starts translating whatever they say so that other people on the ship can understand it. I mean, I know their specifus are sort of in trouble for trading with earthlings or something, so maybe they also disapprove of the specifus monopoly on this stuff?

far more interesting applications? For one, shipping logistics would be made much much easier,


Shipping logistics. *nods* Yes, Focci, so much more interesting.

I'm glad we're back to hearing about Ellipse's identity, although it's starting to get a little frustrating because we're in her viewpoint most of the time but only get the vaguest hints about it. Like she has to know who Tejal's actually looking for, she has to, but also she says things about "looking like some famous fugitive" or whatever, but she clearly knows something but I don't even know who it is Tejal's actually looking for or why. I think I'd at least like to know that at this point.

But I am glad the case of supposedly mistaken identity has at least come up again!

As usual, I love your world building.

Ellipse called mayday in her head. No one left or interrupted a ballad session; it was one of the basic rules of siren courtesy. It was the equivalent of not saying please and thank you or abandoning a campfire because someone was telling ghost stories.


Although tbh I'd be totally down with going "Well, I'm out" if I was at a campfire and someone started telling ghost stories. Or I would be, except if I leave the safety of the campfire the ghosts might get me. Safety in numbers.

Image




Ventomology says...


I would probably leave a campfire too, but at least we probably both use please and thank you.

Also thanks for letting me know where you're at with some of the more mystery-ish aspects. I'm always second guessing myself with the pacing on that front.

Thanks again!



BluesClues says...


You're welcome!



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Mon Jun 19, 2017 1:11 am
BluesClues says...



Poke me! (I might not need it because I try to get to it at work, but juuuuuuust in case.)





"Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness."
— Bishop Desmond Tutu