Ellipse hated electromagnetic shield repair. Well, she liked not being killed by gusts of solar particles and radiation too, but hefting around a pile of heavy magnets while Focci got to hit the ship with a stick was not her definition of fun.
Tejal sat in an empty spot on the dock floor, tapping away at his tablet and wearing a new jacket with a white, bloodstained star patched onto the back, which Ellipse had told him was a rebel symbol. Because Tejal was incapable of listening, he bought it anyways.
At least it helped him look like the Titan kid he was pretending to be.
“Can you move that magnet towards the stern?” Focci asked, pointing his stick up.
Grunting, Ellipse lowered the stack in her arms to the ground and reached up to touch the hull. She dug her fingernails under the edge of the magnet and tugged, trying to fit at least a full fingertip under the edge so she could get some real leverage.
When at last she managed to tear the magnet off the ship, she pulled so hard that she stumbled backwards. And, because he was a brat and probably did it on purpose, Tejal chose that exact moment to shout about mail. Ellipse was so startled she fell on her butt.
“Nice,” Focci commented.
“Smooth!” Tejal yelled.
Clutching the magnet to her chest, Ellipse hauled herself up and glared at each of the boys. “Shut up. It is Tejal’s fault.” She hoisted the magnet up and took a few steps back. “And start reading the mail already!”
Tejal muttered something indecipherable, hunched over, and swiped at his tablet screen. “Okay, so your old captain says that the trials are going to start when it’s May on Earth, and they’ve discussed a final job where we’ll tug a ship from Planet Five to Earth and reach the planet’s station a few days before the jury is set to make a decision.”
Ellipse frowned and released the magnet, letting it snap to the hull in its new spot. “You gave him our data address information?” she sang to Focci.
“I can reprogram it later,” he replied. He watched Ellipse bend over to pick up the magnet stack again, and then flopped towards the ship’s starboard side.
“You know Mouthbot’s on, right?” Tejal called. “I can understand what you’re saying. Anyways, we also get some shore leave before then, though it’s only like a week so we’d have to stay in Triune.”
Focci’s flopping quickened, suddenly bouncier than before. “We can visit my family!” he trilled. “They will be excited to meet you, Tejal.”
Way to leave someone out. Ellipse snorted and shifted the magnets in her arms, jutting out her lower jaw in a pout.
“And then... let’s see,” Tejal continued, “my parents said they’ve already arranged for the Ink to be brought to Earth, so I guess that’ll be when we all part ways?”
A thought jumped to Ellipse’s tongue that she would be glad to see the last of Tejal, but she swallowed the comment. Not every teenager had the privilege of taking a cross-universe road trip without adult supervision, and she would have been bored with only Focci for company.
Tejal scrolled for a bit, and his cheeks flushed as he read through whatever his parents had sent. Maybe they were showering him with written affection to compensate for the distance. “Oh, and I guess since we mistook you for Elliott, Ellipse, this last bit is relevant to you?”
She turned just as a spray of sparks burst from where Focci had hit the ship. “Okay?”
“The reward for turning in Elliott Bei has gone up again, so a lot of bounty hunters will probably return to her case.”
Well heck.
“And some of them might arrest you regardless of what your papers say, on the basis that you match a written description.”
Ellipse gawped at him. “Seriously? But I cannot possibly match the photographs. That must mean something. Besides, you can lose your hunting license for that.”
Focci stabbed his stick at another spot, sending up a second shower of sparks, and then gestured at the magnet stack. Carefully, Ellipse lowered her magnets to the ground and began peeling the top one off the pile.
“Some people would be willing to trade in an innocent for twenty million bits.”
A cough exploded from Ellipse’s throat, and she ripped the top magnet from the rest. “Twenty million bits?” she repeated. “What would you do with that kind of money?” And then, to sell her ignorance on all things Bei, she kept going. “And why is Andra-Media so eager to have her back?”
“Probably because Andra’s latest album flopped out-of-system,” Tejal explained, “and the stock dropped, and everyone thinks it’s because Andra does better with Elliott around. And then for some reason, she’s wanted as a criminal.”
Ellipse scoffed. “Elliott is what, your age? What criminal things can a fifteen-year-old girl do that are worth twenty million bits?” She heaved the magnet over her head and looked at Focci so he could tell her which way to move.
“Steal intellectual property?” Tejal guessed. “Like an unreleased album or something? I don’t know really.”
Focci barked a note of annoyance and swatted Ellipse’s legs with his stick. “More towards the bow. You can talk to Tejal about celebrities later.”
“We are literally talking about me getting wrongfully accosted by bounty hunters,” Ellipse sang as she walked forward. “I feel like that is important.”
“There. Stop,” Focci said.
Ellipse let go of the magnet, and it flew up and hit the hull with a bang. She took a few steps back and allowed Focci to prod at the hull with his stick again. “Well, you said more people might try to arrest me, Tejal,” she continued. “Since you know bounty hunting better than I do, what would you suggest I do?”
He blinked, surprised she had asked for his advice. “Oh. Well… maybe you should carry one of- err, your passport. You should keep that on you.” Scratching his neck, he tapped at a few things on his tablet. “And offer hair or something for DNA testing, to show that you’re not her. Uhh… you said something before about Elliott Bei not existing? I wouldn’t try anything like that. It makes you more suspicious, and others might take that as enough reason to arrest you.”
Yes, that comment had probably been a mistake. Nodding, Ellipse gestured for Tejal to continue.
“Maybe if you wear your hair up people won’t associate you with Elliott as much? Like, she always had her hair down in photos.”
Ellipse fingered a stray lock of hair and frowned. “It is not long enough to put up nicely.”
“Why does it have to be nice?” Tejal asked.
She needed nice hair to sate her vanity, obviously. Rolling her eyes, Ellipse picked up her now-lighter stack of magnets and stuck out her tongue. “Because,” she said.
Tejal threw up his hands and shrugged. “Whatever. If you get abducted, then I told you so.”
A few moments later, once Mouthbot had finished translating into Siren, Focci lowered his stick and turned back to Tejal, gills flattened against his neck. His snout was smooth with solemnity. “I believe you said something earlier about Ellipse being the reason you have food. Maybe do not be so flippant about her leaving us.”
“Thank you,” Ellipse sang. She sent Tejal a smug grin, and then tossed her head. “Now then, we should finish up this shield work. I want to get off this station.”
Beaming, Focci handed Ellipse his stick. “Me too. Take this and test the rest of the shield.”
Ellipse had not signed up for this. Blinking, she accepted the stick-taser and lifted the point up so she could examine it. “Why do I have to-
“You want to get out of here faster, right?” Focci said, already flopping toward Tejal. “Since you can climb, you can do the repairs quickest. Try not to fall.”
This time, Tejal sent the smug grin. “We’re going to sit here and admire our Andra pictures. Have fun!”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Heyyyy you know what's a good motivator to review - procrastination from uni! *sigh*
Nit-picks: (would do nice moments but I'm on like 4 hours sleep so just assume you're as funny and enjoyable as always unless I say otherwise xD)
Why does it matter what month it is on Earth? Like, is that how everywhere measures their time? If so, wouldn't that make it May everywhere?
I would like a more specific reaction from Tejal here. Is he annoyed that Ellipse clearly still doesn't trust him, or does he get it?
I'm a bit confused here. It sounds like she's telling herself that she shouldn't be so hard on Tejal, but she's the one who's technically an adult who's enabling them to fly around on their own, so surely that would be further reason that Tejal ought to be more grateful and less irritating.
I said I wouldn't do nice moments but GAAHHHH WHAT'S GOING ONNNNN
I mean, I'd have replaced "vanity" with "societal pressure" but sure
This isn't necessarily a criticism, but it depends on how you wanted me to have taken it. Focci has just said something really serious and nice and it seems quite, well, ironically it seems flippant of Ellipse to turn that into smugness.
Overall:
The problem I'm having with your last maybe like ten or so chapters is that there's three quite interesting plots. One, the fold thingy and the specifus and the monopolistic company that I've forgotten the name of (really sorry, seriously little sleep xD). Two, Elliott and Andra. Three, poor Wrecktrix and co. Obviously here Two and Three have intersected a little, but I've spoken about how I don't think Three has been given appropriate jeopardy over the course of the novel so far.
One and Two have had very very little interaction other than the fact that they brought the three of them together. Actually, this is probably okay, but maybe the Andra music should have been brought up slightly earlier than it was.
One and Three have the potential to be very interesting, so I'm interested to see how those goals get in the way of each other. Will the two crews be reformed and Focci and Tejal split up? Clearly not since we've seen the flashforwards, but how?
Your characters however are as strong as always and actually, on a morning with this little sleep and my hint of a hangover still remaining even, this was actually a really comforting story to slide into. What I'm saying is that if this ever gets published I'll have a copy of it for reading while I sip tea and nurse my headaches after all future fancy debating events xD
Hope this helps,
Biscuits
I'd have to do some serious editing before I published any of my stuff, but if I do publish I'll let you know.
And you're right that there hasn't been a whole lot of plot intersection. Admittedly, I did a bad job pacing that one, but it should start coming together in oh... five weeks. To be honest, I actually have every remaining chapter mapped out.
Thanks again! I'm glad to know this made you feel better.
hmm, I wonder why?
At the same time, I dunno, it seems convoluted. Ellipse is both a thief and an escapee (and, suddenly, her music is far more plot-relevant than I was expecting) who has been vital to Andra-Media's operations; Andra-Media, after their latest failings, is more desperate than ever to have her. So why doesn't Andra just call up the security, swarm the place, and capture her on the spot? Arguably, I dunno how much authority Andra-Media has, nor the extent of their security in the area, particularly as I'm pretty sure this is just a visit on Andra's part. There's also good odds that Andra is playing some kind of cat-and-mouse game, letting her run off with the implicit warning that he'll be looking to capture her. He may actually be waiting for her to head to wherever she's kept her stolen items, or some other location that would be of value to him. Assuming that's what you're going for, he's looking more villainous and scheming, and Ellipse, thanks to the reward and a written description that matches her physical appearance, might need to radically change her appearance and identity, no matter how good she'll look in the end. And likely for the millionth time.
I'm also very curious in that rebel symbol. It ties back to the extremely vague history of Titan and its current status, but I like the whole bloody star design. It makes me think that Titan said "screw you, America and/or the UN or whatever you call yourselves these days, we're going to rip out of one of those stars on your stupid flags to show how independent we are!" I expect that shirt to be plot relevant later on, because of its nature and the number of places they're going to (including Earth); in other words, I suspect Tejal may be wearing it where he least should be. Beyond that, I'm surprised he isn't himself suspicious by the whole "Elliot Bei doesn't exist" comment. I mean, that depends on the role that Elliot/Ellipse played - perhaps Andra has always been the public sibling, and Elliot was the vague, rumored second sibling. However, it shows a greater understand of Andra-Media than Ellipse has ever let on, and the context - especially the abruptness of the statement - would make it especially bizarre for a bounty hunter like Tejal. Meh, my headcanon is that he already knows her identity, but likes/needs her enough that he won't be a nuisance until his parents show up (and, even then, he might just convince them to help her, because he doesn't seem that mean).
But yeah, this chapter is good! Stick-taser is always awesome, and I love the irony in that Ellipse finally gets to try out the fun, but dangerous, part of the job. You do a nice job of laying out the future plot threads, and I like the looming conflicts. It would also be interesting to see Focci's family, mostly because of the culture clash that I bet is going to happen. All in all, this is yet another great chapter to read from start to finish. Well done!
P.S.: AAAAAH 250th review!
Lucky for you, I actually have a visit to Sirena planned out. You will 100% get to meet Focci's family.
Thanks again! I promise I'll get to 4.5 today. I had some assignments due Thursday that were kind of important.
So something I noticed in this chapter that you do really well is balance dialogue with narration. Like you've got the characters talking - about something fairly important in this case - but Ellipse is lugging around magnets, Focci is hitting the ship with a stick (basically), and Tejal is on his tablet. We're not overwhelmed with dialogue, we can picture what the characters are doing, but the scene also moves along nicely.
This is probably always something you do well, I just particularly noticed it in this chapter.
I'm fully expecting them to have to deal with some bounty hunters at some point coming up, but presumably bounty hunters more ruthless and less easily tricked than Tejal & Fam. I'm curious to see how Ellipse will deal with that, especially considering a) she's actually seen Andra now and they gave her a warning and may or may not be the one to send more bounty hunters after her (even though I like to think it was a warning made out of sibling affection, but I guess we'll see) and b) she met Tejal while he was out hunting for her, so...I guess I'm curious to see when the truth comes out. Because at some point the truth of her identity will obviously come out. And I can't wait to see if Tejal's like, "WHAT I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU LIED TO ME ALL THIS TIME AND I COULD'VE HAD TWENTY MILL" or if he's more like, "Wow, sorry I was hunting you, it really sounds like you were dealing with some awful stuff" or if he's like, "I'm mad you lied to me but also we're kind of friends now but also..."
Also, I like how there are still mysteries about Ellipse and what she plans to do to Andra-Media, BUT I no longer have that sense of frustration over who she is or anything. Like at this point I feel like the remaining mysteries are better balanced out than they were earlier on, when I just got increasingly frustrated because there were just all these cryptic hints but no real answers.
I should probably stop making any comments about things I think are bad in a chapter, because I feel like that encourages you all to think specifically about those things.
Anyways. Thanks so much! I'm glad you're feeling better about the mystery aspect now. It bothers me when y'all are bothered too.
Lol honestly I've stopped noticing what you say about it in the club because I know you'll be down on yourself and that when I read the chapter I will think it's better than you do, so I actually 100% didn't realize you said you thought it was dialogue heavy when I wrote that part of the review. (I just looked back at your post now to see what it was you specifically talked about so I could see what thing I addressed.) I just kind of go, "Ooh, goody, a new chapter!" and click away to read it.