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Young Writers Society



Conics Unfortunately: 54

by Ventomology


Their plan was objectively stupid. All the smart plans had been sucked out the window when Tejal smashed his wheelchair’s front axle, so duh, of course the plan was stupid, but Ellipse thought that this particular plan was the most stupid.

That could just be personal bias though, because once all the crates were shoved onto the conveyor belt, Tejal climbed onto a table, and Ellipse kneeled in front of said table, and now she had to cart him around on her shoulders. And Tejal was a lot heavier than he had been when they first met.

She tried not to hunch over as she walked, hands clutching at the excess fabric of Tejal’s pant legs in hopes of keeping him stable.

“Over there,” he said, pointing and throwing his arm out a little. Ellipse felt him sway and tried not to stiffen in reaction.

How Tejal managed to read all the gato’s cuneiform writing was beyond Ellipse, but she supposed that maybe Americans felt the same way about Chinese characters and Russian cursive.

“So you see the three vertical lines in a row?”

Ellipse murmured a confirmation, afraid to nod. Tejal was pointing at a sign a ways down the terminal, just far enough away that the curved ceiling half hid the writing.

“That’s the symbol that refers to a person or individual. Sort of like the ren one from when you explained Titan etymology to me.” He leaned forward, tilting his head to look down at Ellipse, and then pointed at a deep recess in the ground where steam rose up to the low ceiling and spread out through the station. “Mao has a lot of natural hot springs, so the specifus built a few hot baths into the place.”

“They seem like they cause a bit of mold,” Ellipse mused. She wanted to hear more about gato etymology, but she supposed history was interesting too. The station’s cement walls were grimy with splotchy blue blobs from Mao and a species of green-black Sirena beach bacteria on the spots right above the baths. It seemed a little unsanitary, and Ellipse itched to scrub everything down with a mild toxin.

Tejal pointed at another sign, this one hanging from the ceiling only a few meters up ahead. “That’s the symbol for bathrooms, that one on the end of that sign.”

Ellipse squinted. The symbol was a forty-five degree triangle with a line from the big angle to the middle of the long side. If she stretched her imagination, it looked sort of like a cat using a squat toilet. She could remember that.

“I think this is the last loop before we reach the end,” Tejal said. “Do you need to rest before we do the spiral?” He rested his arms on Ellipse’s head, and suddenly she regretted not picking up at least some rudimentary Gato. If she had, she could do the searching by herself and not have Tejal’s not-quite-bony elbow drilling into her skull.

“I am good.”

They walked (or Ellipse did) for only a few more minutes before reaching the end of Mao Station’s straight corridor. Then Ellipse turned left into the spiral and refocused on her surroundings.

The station was so old that all the interior sections had degraded into an indistinguishable crusty-cement-and-grime look. The floor curved noticeably in each step, and the walls felt too short in comparison to the width of the floor. Ellipse was not tall, and Tejal’s torso was hardly a long one, but she had to make sure not to bounce too much. Otherwise Tejal might tap the ceiling with his head. And she had to squat-walk through all the doors to the bathrooms, which looked very silly. At least Focci had stayed behind to take care of the ship and could not make fun of her.

The pair received a few odd looks as they walked the length of the spiral, mostly from gato, though Ellipse made eye contact with an earthling in a fancy silver track suit once and immediately flushed pink. The specifus paid them no mind, usually only writhing past and sparing a glance to guess how tall this very funny-looking earthling was.

The first two loops of the spiral came and went with no sign of a specifus that looked like the final Impending member, and then Ellipse needed to rest. Her legs felt heavy, and her shoulders were tight from supporting Tejal’s weight. She took her time kneeling and scooting herself up to a bench on the side of the corridor where Tejal could sit, and then the moment his weight lifted, she shot up and stretched.

“Uuggh. I hate this. Why did you break your wheelchair?” Ellipse clasped her hands together and threw her arms up.

“I was literally saving your hide,” Tejal retorted. “And you’re a third of the way through already.”

“I am just glad this station is so sparse. Searching through a garden like in Un and Nestor would be a total pain.”

Crossing his arms, Tejal shifted on the bench and squinted up at Ellipse. “It is nice that we can just sort of walk through. But don’t you think we attract too much attention with me sitting like… you know?”

“Eh.” Ellipse pulled her arms behind her back and bent forward. “We can keep the specifus team off that way at least. They cannot recognize that we are two separate earthlings.”

“I’m not as worried about the specifus as I am about the other three.” He shifted again and uncrossed his arms. Then he looked from side to side, frowning. “The tubai might still smell you under your perfume, and the earthling is pretty likely to recognize our faces.”

“That is why you are on my shoulders, you know. To be a lookout to counter the whole smell thing.” She gave one final roll of her neck and shoulders and then dropped back to the ground.

“This is so embarrassing,” Tejal grumbled, but he scooted forward and clambered onto Ellipse’s shoulders anyways.

Widening her stance, she heaved herself and Tejal up to full height, careful to keep her shoulders perfectly parallel to the ground, and then reached up to adjust the way Tejal’s excess pant legs hung. When she finally felt comfortable, she tilted her head up just slightly and grinned. “Ready to keep-

Tejal cut her off with a naughty word.

“What’s-

“Do you know the fireman’s carry?” he hissed.

Ellipse knew what it looked like to some extent. “Uhh.”

Grimacing, Tejal craned his neck and surveyed their surroundings again. The crossing between the loops and the straight corridor bustled, full of giant crates chugging along the conveyor belt that followed the spiral floor and people running back and forth through the intersection. He pointed in the direction they had just come, the motion violent.

“Day tubai! They’re headed straight for us.”

Ellipse stiffened. “Do you see the earthling? Are they the same ones from-

“I’m pretty sure. Now listen. On the count of three, I’m going to lean backwards to the left, and you’re going to lean forward. Keep hold of my right pant leg, right up where the stub cuts off.”

“Okay?!” She twitched and grasped for the fabric of Tejal’s pants.

“One. Two-

“Wait, on three or after three?” Ellipse felt more than heard her voice go shrill. Her limbs prickled, too aware of people watching her freak out.

“On three! One. Two. Three!”

Tejal fell backwards, and Ellipse’s heart punched out of her chest. She had no idea what she was doing. Or what Tejal was doing. Or even where the bounty hunters were.

Then Tejal’s arms curled around her shoulder, squeezing tight, and she heard him shout in her ear. “Tie my pant legs around your other shoulder and run!”

Ellipse took a staggering step forward, one hand feeling blindly around her back for Tejal’s other pant leg.

“Run!” he bellowed. “I’ll keep lookout and help you get me steady. But just run first!”

Fear surged through Ellipse’s legs, and she shot forward like a thoroughbred from a gate, still fumbling to tie Tejal to her shoulders. For a moment, she tried to look backwards, but a hand gripped the top of her head and forced her to face forward.

“Don’t look back,” Tejal said.

So she did not.

Ellipse thundered down the corridor. Her legs burned, and her throat scratched with every breath, and everything hurt. She could not even muster the strength to ask Tejal a question. All around her, gato and specifus and the odd other species dashed out of her way.

“We’re almost there,” Tejal whispered. She almost could not hear him over her own breathing. “Turn right at the next intersection.”

The station and its crowds were a blur in Ellipse’s mind. Vaguely, she registered someone shouting at her in Telugu and the disco-like flashes of startled hydrogen floaters, but that was it. The concrete walls existed only as grey space in her periphery.

She flung herself to the right and curved wide, nearly stepping onto the conveyor belt.

“No no,” Tejal hissed. He slapped her head lightly. “Run on the belt. They’re gaining.”

She stepped on the belt, gaze flying out ahead to track the crates further ahead and read the dock signs as they swooshed by. And before she knew what she was doing, Ellipse raced off the belt, cutting straight for the side door to the Conics’s dock.

She weaved around a posse of avians shoving small crates of yellow fruit across the floor and then pulled the brakes right as she reached the door. Then she ripped the door open and dashed inside. She wanted to collapse and fall on the ground and cry in relief, but Tejal was still hanging off her shoulders. She felt him move, felt her back muscles groan as they worked to keep her standing.

Then a metal clunk echoed through the dock and she felt Tejal jab at her stomach.

“Ow,” she hissed.

“Sit down. I want to not be attached to your back.”

Muscles screaming, she lowered herself to the floor and reached up to untie Tejal’s pant legs. He eased off of her shoulders and flopped onto the ground.

“That was an adventure,” he huffed.

Ellipse glanced over her shoulder. Her face twisted, scrunching with shame, and she tried to collect enough air to speak. “I am sorry,” she wheezed.

“It’s not your fault. Also we should probably move away from the door. I have a hunch it’s about to-

Someone banged on the door, and Ellipse almost thought her skin was going to peel off and run away from her. If only these stupid bounty hunters would just fly into a sun or something.

“Scoot,” Tejal said, poking her again.

She scooted, and Tejal rolled after her like a kid down a hill. The banging continued, the rhythm unsteady, which honestly was the worst part. Even the metallic clang was not so bad after ten bangs.

“I’m serious though,” Tejal continued. “It’s not your fault. Besides, I think Focci and I can figure out a good way to test the generator without Ami’s help. It just might cost a little more long run.”

Ellipse pursed her lips. Maybe this Impending crew search was not her best option for helping the boys. She lifted her watch hand and stared at the black screen for a moment, then looked back at Tejal, and then at the Conics’s loading ramp, where Focci was poking his head out, drawn from the ship by the bounty hunters banging on their door.

She had already agreed to help them test the generators by sending messages with her watch. If she sent the right messages, then maybe she could kill two birds with one stone.


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Sun Mar 25, 2018 11:31 pm
ExOmelas wrote a review...



Almost there...

Nit-picks and nice moments:

How Tejal managed to read all the gato’s cuneiform writing was beyond Ellipse, but she supposed that maybe Americans felt the same way about Chinese characters and Russian cursive.

I really like this line. There's a lot of sci-fi works that are centred around America (have you ever read The Martian Chronicles by Ray Bradbury?) so it's always good to counteract that sort of bias.

Ellipse squinted. The symbol was a forty-five degree triangle with a line from the big angle to the middle of the long side. If she stretched her imagination, it looked sort of like a cat using a squat toilet. She could remember that.

Hehehehehe

If she had, she could do the searching by herself and not have Tejal’s not-quite-bony elbow drilling into her skull.

Similar to earlier "bony" isn't that severe of an adjective, it doesn't really need to be minimised.

They walked (or Ellipse did) for only a few more minutes before reaching the end of Mao Station’s straight corridor.

This might be personal preference, but I often find brackets weird in in fictional prose. I usually use dashes instead.

The station was so old that all the interior sections had degraded into an indistinguishable crusty-cement-and-grime look.

This is a bit redundant. Like, I got this by this point.

Crossing his arms, Tejal shifted on the bench and squinted up at Ellipse. “It is nice that we can just sort of walk through. But don’t you think we attract too much attention with me sitting like… you know?”

I feel like this must have come up in the original discussion of the plan.

For a moment, she tried to look backwards, but a hand gripped the top of her head and forced her to face forward.

This was Tejal, right? It's not one hundred per cent clear.

“No no,” Tejal hissed. He slapped her head lightly. “Run on the belt. They’re gaining.”

Oh, got a teensy bit confused here. Was expecting Tejal to tell her not to run on the conveyor belt, since that's what she nearly did. It makes sense in retrospect, but just so you're aware.

The banging continued, the rhythm unsteady, which honestly was the worst part. Even the metallic clang was not so bad after ten bangs.

Wait what, they were so scared a second ago.

Overall:

I'm quite confused about why the station is so run-down. Like, it doesn't even sound like there's been an attempt at upkeep. I then become even more confused when you mention other people in the station, showing that it's still somewhat in use. So then why would it look so abandoned? I realise this is kind of more of a nit-pick but the points I'd have picked up on are quite spaced out.

The pace on this was as good as the last bounty hunter chase, and the humorous tone from all the Tejal stuff really helped to keep it fresh, so that was good.

It was a little bit confusing that Tejal seemed to be filled with so much dread. At some points it sounded like he recognised the bounty hunter, or there was something special about them. This really ramped up the tension so when they were just ignoring the bounty hunter and not dealing with the fact that they'd have to get rid of them eventually, it feels kinda anticlimactic.

Hope this helps,
Biscuits :)




Ventomology says...


Why do I keep writing action when I can never write myself out of it. This is clearly a chronic problem for me.



ExOmelas says...


Hmmm interesting...



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Sun Mar 25, 2018 4:20 am
alliyah wrote a review...



Hi Vent! :)

Here to review your prose-piece. So let's get started.

I love the humor you have right off the bat.

"Their plan was objectively stupid. All the smart plans had been sucked out the window when Tejal smashed his wheelchair’s front axle, so duh, of course the plan was stupid, but Ellipse thought that this particular plan was the most stupid."


Great opening setting the scene!

In this part I was confused as to how the toxin would help: "It seemed a little unsanitary, and Ellipse itched to scrub everything down with a mild toxin."


Most of the action I felt made sense and I could totally picture what was happening.

This little section was a bit hard for me to follow like the mechanics of how tying the pantlegs would help, or how it would happen

Then Tejal’s arms curled around her shoulder, squeezing tight, and she heard him shout in her ear. “Tie my pant legs around your other shoulder and run!”

Ellipse took a staggering step forward, one hand feeling blindly around her back for Tejal’s other pant leg.

“Run!” he bellowed. “I’ll keep lookout and help you get me steady. But just run first!”

Fear surged through Ellipse’s legs, and she shot forward like a thoroughbred from a gate, still fumbling to tie Tejal to her shoulders


The pacing of the piece was great, I felt like it was action the whole time, but there were bits of description being laced in there without me getting distracted by it.

The dialogue was also fast paced, I noticed sometimes it felt like the characters were interrupting each other or getting interrupted quite a bit, so there wasn't a lot of full out conversations going on.

Hope some of that was helpful! :) Have a great day!

alliyah

This review was brought to you by Team Tomato
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Ventomology says...


Yeah I think that's one of my better first lines! I'm glad you liked it.

Evidently, since both you and Fox had some troubles with the pant legs, I should probably fix that bit up. But I'm not really doing edits until LMS III ends and I get back from the summer job that will come right after.

Thanks so much!



alliyah says...


Ah that totally makes sense! A fun chapter to jump into and read. :)



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Fri Mar 02, 2018 2:12 am
TheSilverFox wrote a review...



Maybe this Impending crew search was not her best option for helping the boys.

Maybe. :P

Grammar and spelling stuff first:

The floor’s curved noticeably in each step,


*floor (or floors?)

Then she ripped the door open dashed inside.


*and dashed inside.

It just might cost a little more long run.


*in the long run.

Then Tejal’s arms curled around her shoulder, squeezing tight, and she heard him shout in her ear. “Tie my pant legs around your other shoulder and run!”


I suspect a single pant leg? Tying both of Tejal's pant legs to one of Ellipse's shoulders seem both inconvenient and dangerous, since it would distract Ellipse and also make it harder for Tejal to stay balanced. What they're pulling off already bends the suspension of disbelief a little (though, as I state later, not to the detriment of the story), so it's better not to bend it any further.

And now, my opinions and stuff:

In one chapter, you cover the hallmarks of this novel - bathroom jokes, chase scenes, and good worldbuilding. I'd end my review there and crawl into my bed for some sleep (or maybe get some coffee), but that wouldn't be fair or nice, so I may as well elaborate. On the whole, it's a solid chapter. Carrying Tejal like that while running might be impossible, especially for someone of Ellipse's strength, but it sure is fun to read. Besides, adrenaline is a powerful force - I know people have lifted cars with it. All of her muscles are going to be sore afterwards, though. Heck, she's scooting her way to the Conics right now, which I think is a nice bit of realism, as is Tejal's rolling. Could this be the start of Mao's weirdest race ( :P )? But yeah, the pacing and ending of the chase scene are executed wonderfully, especially in the way you cultivate a sense of danger. Ellipse's use of the conveyor belt is brilliant, not to mention the pant legs strategy (the nerd lives up to his reputation here, keeping Ellipse from looking behind and making things slightly easier for her). At this point, it's plausible the Conics crew could escape - the door's locked, and I'm pretty sure it's a thick metal one - though I suspect the bounty hunters have another ace up their sleeve. It certainly isn't the last we'll see of them, because they are rather persistent. I wonder what happens if/when they meet Maj's "friends"? Haha that sounds like it would be the ultimate confrontation/Mexican standoff if the Conics crew gets involved.

And yeah, the bathroom jokes are A+ as usual (memories of trig notwithstanding) and the worldbuilding is exceptional. I laughed when you mention the specifus can't distinguish Tejal and Ellipse, and I like how you convert that into a serious plot point. (Very) stupid as their plan is, it looks like it carries one benefit. The gato calligraphy is also a nice touch, as are the molds growing from the hot springs (minus the mold, I have some fond memories of my time in Pagosa Springs, CO). I will always admire your ability to cover details while keeping the story moving, to be honest. It definitely comes in handy when you discuss the different groups that Ellipse runs past, since you keep the fast pacing going strong. Admittedly, to refocus on the plot, I would like to point out that I remember Ellipse not sending messages with her watch? I could've sworn that the whole point behind the Impending crew search was because she couldn't/wouldn't help the nerds in that fashion. Of course, now the watch could be more useful than not - depending on who she contacts, she could easily impede the bounty hunters. Therefore, the two birds with one stone part makes sense; it's just the preceding sentence that confuses me. Meh, she's still got a solid plan going, and the nerds are perfectly willing to readjust their own plan. I mean, I suspect they'll run into Ami in any case, but it's nice to see their versatility. So yeah, I'm extremely curious to see what they'll do next. It has to be important, now that there's only about 10-20 chapters (if I remember right) in the story.

Yeah, all in all, what a wonderful chapter! It's fun to read, has nice pacing, and presents some exceptional worldbuilding - well done!




Ventomology says...


Wow I must have been hella tired to make all those little mistakes. Thanks for catching them!

Next week's chapter is set to be pretty long, just as a warning. There's a lot I want to get done so I can finish this novel before I start my summer job!

Thanks again!




Nobody wants to see the village of the happy people.
— Lew Hunter