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Young Writers Society



Conics Unfortunately: 52

by Ventomology


Eager to leave behind the mess and the failure of the Intergalactic Sci-Tech Summit, Tejal and I headed for Sauron. We had put out messages before the ISTS, hoping to snag at least a few smaller investors, should the summit go wrong. Ellie had told us beforehand not to put all our cargo down one current, and her business savvy did, in fact, lead us to one group, however small and measly a group they were.

The Ink alighted at Savra Station to little fanfare. A few weeks had passed since the ISTS, and news of the shooting was in that middle-depth where the news was fresh, but had spread around long enough to both fade and take on life of its own. No one immediately recognized that the Ink, piloted by a pair of gato bounty hunters, carried anyone related to the incident with Independent Titan.

As Crane and Shell went about their usual landing hubbub—ushering Tejal safely to the ground, getting the bay door open, and checking on equipment to make sure no solar winds had caused damage—I meandered out to meet the saur representative of the group we were about to barter with.

By this point, Tejal and I still had not tested Mouthbot out on many saur, and though Ellie later became one of the first earthlings to coax her tongue through the clicks and trills of more than one saur language, she had not been around at the time to train the program to listen for all the nuances and dialects that existed on Savra.

I shook hands with a comparatively large, dark blue saur whose scales had grown speckled with age. Her claws dug a little into the webbing between my fingers, and she bopped my nose with a claw, which I think made my gills flare in alarm. Thankfully, she did not seem to understand my body language.

Tejal rolled up, tablet in his lap, and the conversation began.

“We are so very pleased to have you here,” the saur told us. “I understand that your goals rather line up with ours, though I only regret that we cannot do more for you.”

Ellie had mentioned something about that line there. We did not want a company that could back us entirely. For Tejal and I to truly beat Spec Corp in the fold generator game, we needed support from all over the universe.

“Oh, that’s fine,” Tejal replied, plastering on a smile. “At this point, any investment or cooperation is good, and should have a pretty high payout.”

The saur’s tail flicked at this; hopefully she was pleased. She hopped out into the hall and gestured for us to follow her. “A number of our board members have come up. We would like to see a demonstration before discussing any possibilities.”

I heard Tejal tap his fingers on his armrests, probably in apprehension, before we trailed after the saur down the tiled floor of the business sector.

Like every business sector in every station, Savra Station treated its high-class travellers with cushy furniture and abstracted art representative of the planet’s major industries. Friezes of saur mining operations lined the walls, and the jagged, painted cement walls felt like the cavernous interior of an underwater cave, though likely they were meant to invoke mining tunnels.

The saur led us through a black door with a single inset gemstone in the center, right at eye level for the average adult saur, and just high enough that I did not notice until Tejal pointed it out. She bounded inside, through a tiny anteroom, and then into a cramped meeting room with a small, circular table and two other saur resting on stools on the side opposite the door.

We had introductions, and they were short, and someone pulled up a couch so I could converse with everyone. Mouthbot had some troubles with the word ‘couch,’ which is mostly why I remember the seating arrangements. The saur had no real equivalent and had stolen a tyran word.

“So,” began one of the saur. He too was speckled with age, but the pronounced green scales over his eyes showed that he was still in good shape. “We are the representatives from Roid Mining Operations. You two are interested in working with us?”

I grinned. Ellie had told me that sirens should always grin while negotiating with non-sirens, because our teeth are threatening. I do not understand why; as far as I can tell, earthlings and day tubai have weirder anatomy for eating and digestion. “Yes,” I replied. “After all, in order to manufacture the generators, we must get materials from somewhere.”

“But you were hoping for investment, too, no?” asked the last saur. They were a bright, shocking yellow, and young enough to have only a few speckled scales.

Tejal rolled himself just a little closer to the table. “Yes. The initial funds for research and development were given privately by a single investor, but that investor was more interested in simply seeing if we could create the generator at all, and was less concerned about mass production.”

That was a lie, except for the single investor. But we needed an excuse of some kind to explain where the money had come from.

“Ah, some eccentric,” the blue saur chuckled. Or Mouthbot said she chuckled. I heard her make soft hissing noises.

“Well, how far did you get?” asked the yellow saur.

I grinned harder as Tejal placed the tablet on the table. He unlocked it and gestured around at the saur. “When we requested the meeting, we asked you all to arrange a teleconference time with someone outside of the system. This tablet has almost every communication app uploaded onto it, so you may go ahead and set up the call.”

The board members looked at each other for a moment, and then the green saur reached across the table and slid the tablet towards himself. “We sent two of the board members to Gant recently,” he announced, tapping the screen with a stylus. Saur always carried styluses, to keep from scratching screens. “They should be waiting for us.”

We all sat in the quiet for a moment, and then the pings of the app’s calling system echoed into the room. Shortly after, the call connected.

Saur do not have gills to flutter when they are amazed, but they do make incoherent chatter to the same effect. Mouthbot made a weak attempt to translate this noise, which resulted in something like “moon shirts where sky,” which prompted Tejal to quirk an eyebrow at me in confusion.

I remember little of the conversation that the saur had over the tablet. In all likeliness, they spoke too quickly for Mouthbot, who had lost some processing power to the teleconference, to translate. However, even after so many years, I still remember what happened right after the call ended, clear as algae-less waters.

For a moment, the room was silent, and the air seemed to expand, soaking up the tension of the saurs’ amazement and mine and Tejal’s anticipation. Then the room burst into chatter. The saur clicked and clacked and whistled at each other, all conversing over each other, too fast for Mouthbot to keep up or even differentiate between their voices. And then all at once, the saur turned to me and Tejal, half off their stools.

“It works!” the yellow saur trilled.

“That it does.” The green saur sat back, a little dazed, but not quite given over to excitement like his younger colleague. He leaned on the table and glanced between me and Tejal. “We would certainly be interested in helping you. But we can only promise help—both monetary and as a raw materials source—if you can manage to secure the rest of the operations.”

It is apparently unwise to break either a poker face or a well-set-up act, but I am sure Tejal and I broke ours then. Someone out there was willing to help us produce the pinpoint fold generator, someone who was not Ellie, and now that we had taken the first step, surely more people would rally around our project.

- A Rough Translation of Focci's Ballad


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Sun Mar 25, 2018 10:03 pm
ExOmelas wrote a review...



Hi again!

Nit-picks and nice moments:

Ellie had mentioned something about that line there.

I don't really get this. Did Ellie (Ellipse?) tell them that the saur might say this kind of thing to them?

The saur led us through a black door with a single inset gemstone in the center, right at eye level for the average adult saur, and just high enough that I did not notice until Tejal pointed it out. She bounded inside, through a tiny anteroom, and then into a cramped meeting room with a small, circular table and two other saur resting on stools on the side opposite the door.

Wait if they have the money for a gemstone why do they have such a tiny office space?

We had introductions, and they were short, and someone pulled up a couch so I could converse with everyone. Mouthbot had some troubles with the word ‘couch,’ which is mostly why I remember the seating arrangements. The saur had no real equivalent and had stolen a tyran word.

Might be useful to remind me of saur physiology so I know if there's a particular reason why they wouldn't have a word for couch.

They were a bright, shocking yellow, and young enough to have only a few speckled scales.

Okay so I have a quote for this from now on. My comment when I appreciate nice little details on things is going to be "Enjoyable details!"

Overall:

I'm not sure if maybe this is on me, but it took me a while to realise that the lots-of-people call was a demonstration of the pinpoint fold generator.

Your Focci chapters are always really good. The flow is always awesome, there's just the right amount of description. It's like you get a boost of sharpness because you're lifted out of your routine, which is always really enjoyable. This was no exception :)

The thing that's confusing me is that quite often Focci and Tejal chapters have had some sort of relevance to the chapters that we're on in the main story. Given that we're currently trying to escape bounty hunters with an overtone of evil-capitalist-spec-corp, this just feels a little out of place. Maybe I'm misremembering, or maybe the relevant feeling chapter often comes after the flashforwards. Anyway, just thought I'd mention this.

Also, congrats on a whole year of LMS!

Hope this helps,
Biscuits :)




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Tue Feb 13, 2018 11:31 pm
TheSilverFox wrote a review...



“We are the representatives from Roid Mining Operations. You two are interested in working with us?”


I was so hoping that I could make a "roid rage" joke. :P

I don't think there's any grammar or spelling problems here? There's one line that I find suspicious, but it's possibly just an extension of my love for commas. That leaves the content of the chapter itself, which is, as ever, A+. I'm not familiar with business negotiations either, but this feels appropriate? It's clearly been set up in advance, Tejal and Focci manage a successful pitch, and the saur are evidently happy (as they should be). They even manage to frame their one investor (*coughEllipsecough*) in a way that supports the viability of their work. So yeah, this is all well-executed on the nerds' part, even if they break their poker faces at the end (which, honestly, the saur might not even recognize). It is a bit naive of them to assume that people will flock to them now that they have one group of supporters - Spec Corp is still powerful, and the nerds are going to need a bit more business savvy to rack up the influence needed for widespread support. They still have a long journey ahead of themselves, particularly if Spec Corp decides to metaphorically throw down the glove and file a lawsuit, or worse. But, Tejal is right - they've taken that first step, and they should be happy about that. It'll certainly make taking the next few steps less stressful, though not exactly easier.

Hmmm, don't you tend to list the book at the end of the future/past chapters? I know you did that for Tejal's chapters, but I can't remember if that rule applies to Focci's. In any case, the chapter itself is wonderful. You do a good job conveying different species habits, like the saur using styluses or their tendency to chatter when excited. Focci's resting on a couch is a fun detail, as is the aging process of the saur. I'm surprised Mouthbot works as well as it does? The narration does state that Mouthbot has trouble interpreting the full breadth of Saur dialects in that time, so I was expecting it to mess up the saurs' dialogue somewhat. Then again, Mouthbot does have problems when the saur are talking extremely quickly (and this is basically 90% of the reason I can't speak Spanish well, so there's some common ground there), and Ellipse has an impeccable understanding of languages (so seeing that she learns another one made me roll my eyes - in a good-natured way, of course). Besides, more garbled dialogue would get in the way of the story, particularly the exciting conclusion. Yeah, I don't have anything more to say? The flow is fantastic, the worldbuilding is well-constructed, and this chapter excels in taking the audience and sweeping them up in the generally excited spirit of things. It'll be interesting to see what Tejal and Focci do next, now that they've finally had a bit of success. So, all in all, well done!




Ventomology says...


Oh shoot you're right I forgot the little excerpt line. I'd better go put it back in.

And I'm glad you liked this one! This might be the most popular interlude yet.

Thanks!



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Mon Feb 12, 2018 1:54 pm
BluesClues wrote a review...



Side note: "told us not to put our cargo all down one current" God what an awesome, subtle piece of world-building.

I know I say something about that like every single chapter but shhhh it's all so good

Of all the chapters that break away from the main story, this one is probably the best. I don't know if it's just because I've read so much of the story at this point that I'm able to piece together what happens, or if it's actually written more clearly. Either way, this chapter wasn't confusing at all, unlike the other chapters of Tejal and Focci - I know exactly what's going and more or less why.

Even aside from the specific line I pointed out at the start of this review, you continue to have some great world-building. That's probably one of my favorite things about the story - the world-building continues throughout, always giving me an idea of what the world is like and the different planets the characters go to, but without any infodumps or dull bits that explain what the world is like. It's all in the details: Mouthbot not being able to keep up with the saurs' excited chatter, "down one current" instead of "all in one basket," the saurs using styluses to prevent scratching tablet screens with their claws.

(Actually the best part about that was that it answered a question I had almost before I had time to ask it. Like I was picturing a dinosaur trying to swipe with their claws, and then you went, "They always used styluses to prevent scratching the screens," and it was like you had read my mind.)

The only thing I want to see in this chapter is the miniature fold generator working. We know they see it working, because the saurs all freak out like, "Omg it works!!!" but I'm not sure what it working actually looks like or does. I assume it sort of opens a wormhole; it makes me think of A Wrinkle in Time and "By the way, my dear, there is such a thing as a tesseract." But I'm not sure how the boys could demonstrate that over what appears to be sort of a video chat? Like I know the saurs are actually in the room with them, but then they put a call through to...whomever, and I don't know what the miniature fold generator's role is in this. Is it that this is actually too far away for a call to go through without a fold generator? It's unclear, but it's such an important moment that I'd like to be able to understand what the miniature fold generator does that's so impressive.

In other news, I'm hoping that the miniature fold generator ends up tying into the plot line with Ellipse and bounty hunters - I know at this point in the story, she's awaiting trial or something, but I think it would be awesome if they somehow saved her/busted her out using this device they've been working on throughout the story.




Ventomology says...


Ahh, I guess I never went into great detail about the physics, huh? It's been a while since the limitations of current communication were mentioned in the main story, so I should probably slip some reminders in soon.

Luckily, the full explanation should be coming in a few weeks. But you're right that I need to get more into the contrast between the miniature fold generator and the communication methods already in place.

Thanks!




The world is your oyster. Well, it’s my oyster, but you can have some of it.
— Feltrix