z

Young Writers Society



Conics Unfortunately: 16

by Ventomology


Ellipse collapsed onto her latest haul, skin slimy with sweat. The metal was ice-cold, and even if it did not help with the sliminess, she figured she had earned the right to rest against something chilly. After all, she was not practiced in the art of pushing metal crates up ramps.

The gato-for-parents boy rolled up next to her, keeping a safe distance from the edge of the ramp, and leaned towards her, grinning. “Wow.”

“Shut your mouth-hole, Tejal,” Ellipse grumbled.

“I moved eight of those crates a much farther distance than you did,” Tejal said, “and I’m not even breaking a sweat.”

If only the asteroid alerts caught people as well as space rocks. Ellipse shot the kid a grimace and moved to wipe her sweat off on him. “Says the boy who drove a forklift. I bet I am like ten times stronger than you.”

“I bet I could beat you at arm wrestling.”

He probably could, but Ellipse was not about to admit that. Rolling her eyes, she set off for the back of the cargo hold to let Focci know everything was ready for takeoff. Tejal, of course, followed after, his wheelchair just barely squeezing through the aisle between the crates..

“I saw that eye-roll,” he said. “Are you really eighteen? You don’t act eighteen.”

If she spoke, Ellipse would probably give something away, so she kept quiet and clambered up on top of a crate. Hopefully her silence would seem mature.

“You know, spacecraft don’t travel nearly fast enough for serious time dilation to kick in. So don’t use relativity as an excuse for the disconnect between your papers and your attitude.”

Ellipse reached up to pull herself into the ship’s living space, not looking back at Tejal. He did not deserve any acknowledgment, and Focci wanted to get out as soon as possible. Planet five was boring to look at, and the earthling food available did not include sashimi. Plus she had no idea how relativity worked; she had never needed to know that.

“Wait, wait!”

Pasting on her impatient-adult look, Ellipse turned back to Tejal and sighed, one eyebrow lifted in a silent question.

“Are you going to strap down my wheelchair before we leave gravitational pull?”

“Of course I will.” There. That sounded perfectly patronizing and adult-like. Maybe if Ellipse just shouted at Focci, brat-boy would feel more secure and shut up. She cupped her hands to her face and sang a series of notes to let Focci know that she and Tejal had loaded everything. Later, she would look up the meaning of the other earthling’s name and use that to translate it into a Siren equivalent, but for now she called him kelp-brain-earthling, which flowed off the vocal chords rather well.

Focci sang a quick set of staccatos to confirm that they were all takeoff-ready, and then added that Ellipse was more of a kelp-brain than their new friend.

“Thanks a lot, Focci,” she muttered. Scowling, she turned back to the boy and leapt down from the crates. “Now then, the siren is about to start the engines. How do I make sure your wheelchair doesn’t break when we reach gravity again?”

It was a stupid question, but thankfully Tejal did not point that out. He beamed—like, for real—and started to turn himself around. “You tie it down! Now let’s go find a good spot, shall we?”

Ten minutes later, Ellipse found herself stuck struggling to thread a rope through the spokes of Tejal’s wheelchair, all while she and the chair floated inches off the floor, constantly drifting one direction or the other. In the empty space behind her, where she and Focci and Wrecktrix had played chess for the past week, Kelp-Brain-Earthling turned somersault after somersault, a giant grin stretching across his chin. Ellipse had to wonder if Tejal just really liked zero-g, or if he was gloating over her tribulations.

“This rope is way too thick for these spaces,” she grumbled. “Why do you not use spider silk string?”

“That sounds ridiculously expensive.” Tejal paused his somersaulting and fished a coil of twine out of his pocket. “Who has the money to just casually buy spider silk?”

“It does not even come from spiders anymore,” Ellipse retorted. She squeezed the rope through two more spokes and tied a knot near the grate where she had stationed the wheelchair. “Somebody stuck a gene in an E. coli strand so that the bacteria would manufacture the spider silk polymer. It is the same material, with all original properties retained, only the production method is easier to control and manufacture en masse.”

Tejal cringed, eyes pinching shut and lips curling back. He was grossed out easily. “That’s nasty.”

“Only if you want it to be.” Gathering up the ropes that had unwound behind her, Ellipse hauled herself to the other side of the wheelchair and began tying down wheel number two. A tiny metallic click echoed from the wall near her head, and she turned to find a thumb-sized magnet stuck to the wall with a thin piece of twine tied through a hole in the middle. She looked at Tejal. “Did you make yourself a tiny magnetic grappling hook?”

He grinned, smug and lopsided, and pulled himself along the string. Ellipse could not believe she had not thought of that on her own. “Just do not use it inside of the computer room,” she said. “Focci would abandon you in space if you magnetized or hit the wrong thing.”

Tejal snorted. “First of all, that’s murder, and second, Focci actually seems to like me. I feel like I’d be forgiven.” He rested his hand on Ellipse’s shoulder, as if he were about to give her a patronizing pat, but then his grip tightened, and he yanked on his grappling hook, and Ellipse suddenly found herself knocking into the floor.

As she tried to put herself right-side-up again, Tejal let out a real laugh, one with an actual vowel sound at the end and a little bit of ab-clenching, and Ellipse scowled. Brat-boy so had not needed to shove her. She whipped her head around and narrowed her eyes.

“What the heck?” she snapped. “You cannot just go around pushing people!”

Tejal just threw his little magnet at a crate, in a direction different from the one in which he was drifting. He shivered a little, though that was probably from the trailings of laughter. “I didn’t mean to? It’s just that Newton’s Third Law of Motion is a thing, and I needed to brace myself in order to get my magnet off the wall.”

“You could have braced yourself against something other than me! The wall is literally right there.” Flailing, Ellipse managed to grab hold of the wheelchair, but that only dragged it closer to her, and not the other way around. The ropes around the wheel she had been working on unraveled. “And I thought the Newton thing was for rockets. And engines.”

“I mean, it is,” Tejal explained. He turned yet another somersault and began reeling himself in towards his magnet. “But it applies to other things too. You’re lighter than I expected, so I accidentally pushed you into the floor.”

Jerking the wheelchair back down to the grate, Ellipse frowned. “That was definitely intentional.”

“Maybe. Maybe not.” He sent her a mock salute and yanked his magnet off the crate, quickening his flight. “I’m going to go talk to Focci. Do you mind if he shows me your papers?”

Ellipse so minded, but the sooner the boy saw her passports, the sooner he would get off her back. Letting out an incoherent growl, she waved him away and turned back to the wheelchair to finish her task. Next time, Tejal was tying this thing down.


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Sat Jul 29, 2017 2:31 pm
ExOmelas wrote a review...



Hey, just dropping by while I wait for my friends to show up for an RPG session :P

Nit-picks and nice moments:

his wheelchair just barely squeezing through the aisle between the crates..

either an extra full stop or unfinished ellipsis :P

Ellipse reached up to pull herself into the ship’s living space, not looking back at Tejal. He did not deserve any acknowledgment, and Focci wanted to get out as soon as possible.

I think because Ellipse and Focci have a relationship where they make fun of each other a lot, it wasn't immediatley obvious to me that she seriously doesn't like Tejal. She's sort of helping him, and I think I remember saying that it didn't seem like she necessarily had to, so I thought maybe she saw past the fact that he has bounty hunters for parents. I'm not saying she definitely should, but it seems like that is what's happening.

Later, she would look up the meaning of the other earthling’s name

I'd actually forgotten Ellipse was from earth xD Also this seems like an odd way to refer to him, but she has referred to him by a variety of things so shrug.

In the empty space behind her, where she and Focci and Wrecktrix had played chess for the past week, Kelp-Brain-Earthling turned somersault after somersault

That Tejal wasn't in his wheelchair was a bit of a surprise here, hadn't realised that, so it was a bit jarring.

Did you make yourself a tiny magnetic grappling hook?”

That sounds kind of like when characters on tv talk into a phone and say "What? He was in a car accident? Oh no! But it looks like he's going to be fine? Okay, good." So that the audience know what's going on. Maybe just have that in description of what Ellipse sees.

Brat-boy so had not needed to shove her.

I hope I was meant to think that this was much more serious cos for a second I was like OOOOOHHHHH NOOOOO!

Sorry I forgot about nice moments, but most of the little things I could have picked up on are going to come into my discussion of character.

Overall:

Character: This is a really nice aspect of Ellipse to get to see. Her age has sometimes confused me, but if I think of her in retrospect as always been eighteen, this pressure to look in control is really interesting. Your characterisation is emotive, but not too overblown which is good. Really well done.

Setting: It's good that you mention that this where Focci and Wrecktrix used to play chess, but I think it would be worth having Ellipse be a bit sad here. As far as she can tell, they won't be playing chess for a long time. Also it would be nice to know a bit earlier on where Focci is. And I think I need to know the size of the ship. Is there more crew? I'm kinda confused.

Plot: There's not a whole lot going on here, mostly characterisation, which is a good balance from last chapter. The bit about Focci and Tejal seeming to get on is something I'm looking forward to the development of. That could be painful.

Hope this helps,
Biscuits :)




Ventomology says...


Gosh, I honestly love writing dialogue between Tejal and Focci. Those are some of the better moments in the future chapters.



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Sun Jul 23, 2017 5:16 pm
TheSilverFox wrote a review...



“Just do not use it inside of the computer room,” she said. “Focci would abandon you in space if you magnetized or hit the wrong thing.”


Ellipse, you missed your one chance; you never should have told him that. :P

Given a few less-than-favorable circumstances today, my review might be a bit shorter than normal. Still, I find it fun that Tejal's arrived and is currently being himself - a twit. The way that he pokes at Ellipse's age and tries to discern the information in her papers tells me that, even if he's too young to be an actual bounty hunter, he's not lost sight of his goals. In that sense, he's attentive and clever, even if he's extremely pushy and slightly malevolent. Manipulating Newton's Third Law of Motion to push Ellipse onto the floor while propelling himself in zero-grav space is also a good way to demonstrate his skills and ability to create a story (that he needed to hold onto her to push the magnet from the wall and miscalculated the force vs. the likely truth of him spiting her for his own amusement). Of course, he's still a poor liar, and his logic does have holes in it, but there's clearly some justification behind his cocky and selfish demeanor - he has brains. While, at the moment, he has reason not to be a threat, I think Ellipse should expect him to potentially be one in the future, depending on what happens to his parents. And this is more of a random comment, but I find it funny that he's my age and has a personality that is mine but 50% more annoying. I don't think that was intentional, but part of me imagines that I was a slight influence. :P

Otherwise, it's a funny chapter. Tejal's pranks are well-executed, I love the name that she uses for him in the Siren language (and Focci's retort), and the discussions on spider silk polymers, relativism, and the Third Law of Motion were all neatly incorporated and written. Of course, having studied and become familiar with all of these concepts, I found the explanations a bit tedious. However, I know that others might not understand them as well as I do (that sounds so pompous, I'm sorry), so I say keep them. Besides, Ellipse doesn't understand the non-biology topics, so they also have a reasonable in-story explanation (along with Tejal's liking to explain things to people, perhaps a little patronizingly, which is something I also do). My only complaint with this chapter is the "like, for real" part, as the valley girl voice I ended up reading that in sharply contrasted with the surrounding sentences. Since I prefer a consistent voice and mood, I'd advise removing it for something more apt, like "for hecking real."

In conclusion, it was a wonderful chapter to read, and I'm rather happy with it. Well done!




Ventomology says...


Ah... I always forget that the Valley Girl accent is a thing. I talk like them, just less so, and so I forget that there's some connotation involved with that style of speech. I'll probably just take out the 'like' in that little interjection.

Thanks so much!



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Sun Jun 25, 2017 11:14 pm
Virgil wrote a review...



This is Nikayla here dropping in for a review on the near end of Review Day!

I realized that I reviewed these chapters backwards and that chapter seventeen might have made more sense if I decided to review this one first, but I digress! This chapter feels shorter than the last one I just reviewed from you, and that might be because it is. I found this chapter to be a lot more balanced. A lot easier to get through, even. This might be because there's more substance or background writing around the dialogue in this chapter, which is an upgrade from chapter seventeen which makes chapter seventeen a bit of a downgrade unfortunately.

At least, I found the background thoughts and movements of the characters to be more interesting this time around. This is also a lot easier to follow, at least for me for some reason. I have to say that I prefer learning about the physics, though that might lose some of your audience if this were a published novel out in the public because I can see some people not being willing to learn about the science of the novel.

I don't think it should be smoothed over, though, just because someone's too stubborn to google a law of Newton if they aren't aware of it (I think most of the people in your audience would know what it is anyway) I don't think you should not include it. There's not a lot of hard Sci-fi these days and that's because it can be at times hard to understand, though generally this is pretty easy to follow for a chapter even though the progression of the plot is more similar to small steps than it is a sprint.

We learn more and explore more as the novel goes on, and for the most part the pacing here is consistent enough. What I'm trying to say is that it works and that it fits because there are chapters that aren't going to be fast-paced schemes in Sci-fi and that not all Sci-fi is going to be like that.

If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.




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Sun Jun 25, 2017 11:08 pm
Rydia wrote a review...



Hey there! I've not read any of the earlier parts so feel free to ignore me if I point out something which you think you've already covered.

Specifics

1. The opening dialogue is fun and spunky and really helps to show the relationship these two characters have. There's a sort of grudging friendship here, or at least companionship and that's really nice.

2. There's a nice tongue-in-cheek kind of tone to this.

3.

“It does not even come from spiders anymore,” Ellipse retorted.
This feels awkward. I think because when people are talking back quickly, most would say 'doesn't' rather than 'does not' and even when going for emphasis, it's not something you hear often these days. I think the only time people really say 'does not' is when they say just those two words on their own. And it's usually in an immature tone.

4.
He grinned, smug and lopsided, and pulled himself along the string. Ellipse could not believe she had not thought of that on her own. “Just do not use it inside of the computer room,” she said. “Focci would abandon you in space if you magnetized or hit the wrong thing.”
Again, the do not here sounds a little odd. Is this a way she has of talking to make her voice more distinctive?

Overall

I was kind of wondering why Tejal isn't tying his own chair down! I guess though that he's younger, or at least younger than she's pretending to be so she feels like she has to take on the adult role. Whatever the reason, you made it believable and I love that Tejal is just flying around the whole time. I also love that he enjoys throwing science/ mathematics at her as a way of discussion - it shows his unique way of thinking and really helps endear the reader to him.

I'm not sure I believe that Tejal pushed Ellipse by accident and I'd probably be even more frustrated than she is but the fact she doesn't explode shows she's pretty mature and actually I get that sense throughout, that she's not only acting beyond her years but is also experienced at it.

I've not got much to flag to be honest. I think this flowed pretty smoothly and you had some good descriptions. There could perhaps be more colour descriptions - at the moment it's hard to picture the scene because you tell us what items are there but leave us to fill in the blanks about the finer details. Even if it's just to mention every now and then the colour of an item of clothing one of them is wearing or perhaps the walls/ floor are a certain colour? It's one of the first ways we learn to describe the world around us and a really important one because we connect a lot with colour on an emotional level as well as one of recognition.

I hope I've at least given you a few things to think about. All the best with this!

~Heather




Ventomology says...


Oh my gosh, thank you! I took out all the contractions in Ellipse's dialogue on purpose, yes. She's a total polyglot, and I know my mom uses contractions a bit less than I do (English is not her first language), and when I was learning German and actively thinking about speaking, it was just easier to not use contractions, so I guess that's what I was going for.



Rydia says...


If it's a consistent thing then that works! People will find it a little jarring at the beginning but then get used to it over time, much in the way that we do for Yoda's speech patterns or the language in A Clockwork Orange.



Rydia says...


If it's a consistent thing then that works! People will find it a little jarring at the beginning but then get used to it over time, much in the way that we do for Yoda's speech patterns or the language in A Clockwork Orange.



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Mon Jun 05, 2017 1:07 pm
BluesClues wrote a review...



If she spoke, Ellipse would probably give something away, so she kept quiet and clambered up on top of a crate. Hopefully her silence would seem mature.


I have so missed Ellipse.

I didn't think this was terribly choppy, actually. It was really nice, although I could just be saying that because of the so-far-unconnected-but-eventually-connected chapter I read yesterday (yesterday? Yesterday). As ever, I love Ellipse's dry humor, even in thought.

The only bit I'd suggest improvement for is this.

Tejal just threw his little magnet at a crate, in a direction different from the one in which he was drifting. He shivered a little, though that was probably from the trailings of laughter. “I didn’t mean to? It’s just that Newton’s Third Law of Motion is a thing, and I needed to brace myself in order to get my magnet off the wall.”

“You could have braced yourself against something other than me! The wall is literally right there.” Flailing, Ellipse managed to grab hold of the wheelchair, but that only dragged it closer to her, and not the other way around. The ropes around the wheel she had been working on unraveled. “And I thought the Newton thing was for rockets. And engines.”

“I mean, it is,” Tejal explained. He turned yet another somersault and began reeling himself in towards his magnet. “But it applies to other things too. If I push you, both of us will move. The force I exert ends up affecting both of us, though since I weigh less, I travel farther. You’re lighter than I expected, so I accidentally pushed you into the floor.”


I don't mind the push and the joke here (and, okay, physics isn't my strong point, so brushing up on Newton's Third Law is not a bad thing), but it definitely feels like you're explaining Newton's Third Law for the benefit of the reader here. You probably are, but don't let us know. The characters obviously know it pretty well, so there's no reason they would actually explain it in detail to each other. I think I'd just cut these lines.

If I push you, both of us will move. The force I exert ends up affecting both of us, though since I weigh less, I travel farther.


Those are the most openly explainy bits - the rest of it felt more like real dialogue they might have in space, where physics discussions come up pretty frequently. Anyway, if readers don't understand it, maybe they'll be inspired to look up Newton's Third Law of Motion - I know I would. (I mean, okay, not all readers, but this is a small bit of dialogue, not a major plot point, so it shouldn't bother people anyway.)

But to be fair to you, it's entirely possible other readers would go, "What? Explain" if you cut those out. Try it both ways if you can and have different people read it to see the reaction. Or start by cutting those lines and see how many people get confused and want more explanation.

That's my only note on this one! I know every week you're like, "This week's chapter kind of sucks," but it's really never bad like you think it is. Or maybe you're just trying to undersell.

Image




Ventomology says...


Hmm... I should undersell less. Maybe the bad vibes are a byproduct of my late-night editing habits.

Thanks for the tips on the science! I'll take that out and see what the next reviewer thinks. If they say anything.



BluesClues says...


Yeah, my last novel I definitely had super problems overexplaining EVERYTHING even though I *know* it's a problem I have, but with Chosen Grandma I feel like I do much better about it. So then if someone's like, "I don't get this part?" I know I need to actually add a little more in.




Put me in the fqluote generator. I say wise things.
— RigoTheHacker