z

Young Writers Society



Conics Unfortunately: 41

by Ventomology


The boys gave Ellipse space over the next few days. Well, no. Tejal avoided Ellipse like she was under quarantine, and Focci sought her out whenever possible, so really it was Ellipse creating space, and the boys fumbling their way around her. Nonetheless, Ellipse managed to keep out of any and all conversations that extended beyond “it is your turn to steer the ship.”

How it took four days for the boys to combine their efforts on her when they had joined forces on the fold generator almost immediately, Ellipse could not figure out.

“Hey, so Ellipse,” Tejal said. He floated near her shoulder, hands free of tools and metal bits for once. “I was wondering if you wouldn’t mind sending-

“No.”

In the several seconds of silence that followed, Ellipse steered the ship around a small hunk of rock that looked uncannily like charcoal.

“Uhh, are you getting emails from that Randi Abe guy still?”

Ellipse shook her head. “Nope. I turned off all the wireless stuff in my watch as soon as I got back on this ship.”

Under his breath, Tejal muttered something about Focci being better at this, and then he cleared his throat and tried again. “Are you worried that people can track you through your watch? Because only the receiver can get that information easily. Otherwise you have to go through the owner of the email server.”

Twisting her face into a scowl, Ellipse turned away from the window and pinned Tejal with a glare. In the low, blue lights of the cabin, his face looked more paler than it probably was.

“Although I guess anyone determined enough could hack the server, yes.” Tejal let out a sigh and rubbed at his neck. “I have some pretty strong deodorant you could try, if you’re worried about the tubai? Plus, those hunters have to get an outside appraisal on scent before they can legally take you in.”

Ellipse kept glaring.

“Though it’s not uncommon for teams to have an unregistered tubai member, I guess,” Tejal admitted.

Wow Tejal, Ellipse thought. That was very encouraging.

“But still!” he tried. “I doubt anyone is tracking you through your messages. Even if more bounty hunters are trying to peg you as Elliott Bei, they’d have to actually know your email address in order to hack into your location data, and that’s not something you can just guess.”

With a click of her tongue, Ellipse turned back to the window.

“Why are you so freaked out about this anyways?” Tejal shouted. His voice broke at the end, squeaking higher in desperation. “You’re not Elliott Bei. I saw your papers. And honestly, the more upset you act about this, the more I suspect that you did at least something wrong. Maybe you’re not her, but obviously you have something to hide.”

She had done nothing wrong, ever. There were no secrets. There was no crime. Clenching her jaw, Ellipse tightened her grip on the joystick and tried to take deep breaths.

“Look! If you’re so worried, we can get Focci to scramble your location data.” Tejal put a hand on the chair and pulled himself forward so he could talk right into Ellipse’s ear. “And trust me when I tell you this: me and my parents aren’t going to arrest you if you committed a crime for just reasons.”

Ellipse snapped. Her lips curled back in a snarl, and she jerked the joystick as she whipped back around to glower at Tejal. “Listen,” she hissed. “My life story is none of your business. Butt out and find some other way to test your generator.”

Tejal’s mouth dropped open, and his eyebrows rose, and the cabin’s blue lights reflected off of a new sheen over his eyes. Suddenly, Ellipse regretted speaking at all.

“I guess I thought…” Tejal trailed off and looked away, and a frustrated sigh escaped his lips. “Nevermind.”

A few moments later, Ellipse felt him push off of the back of her chair. Then the curtain at the cabin door rattled open, and Tejal left her alone.

It was better this way, she told herself. She had never wanted to be Tejal’s friend, and he was the son of two bounty hunters who were after her. Besides, no one would turn down the millions of dollars that were at stake in Elliott Bei’s bounty, regardless of Ellipse’s identity or why the younger Bei had fled Andra-Media.

Faintly, she heard Mouthbot reciting translations of Trade Siren in her voice, but Ellipse tuned out the noise and just drove, pushing the ship faster and faster, until the pilot interface forced her to put on a touch of backwards thrust and slow down. Once she switched with Focci, she was going to blast a siren lament on her trumpet and improvise new lines up an octave, and then she planned on playing scales until her lips turned numb and Focci screeched at her to stop practicing the alphabet already.

Ellipse swerved the Conics around a series of rock chunks, probably remnants of two asteroids colliding, and fiddled with the dashboard until the flight calculation visualizations popped up on the window. Neon colored arrows and dashed lines layered over the backdrop of stars outside, and Ellipse squinted at the bright pink arrow for her current flight path. She probably needed to make a slight angle adjustment.

As she tapped on the joystick, trying to get the arrow on screen to swing exactly towards the Tubai System fold monitor’s big, white dot, the curtain rattled again. Hoping that she looked busy, Ellipse ignored whoever had just entered.

“Tejal tells me you two fought,” Focci sang, his rhythms too perfectly even and his notes a little too in-tune.

She leaned closer to the window and nudged the ship towards the left.

“I hope you realize how important the generator is to him. This has been his dream for years.”

Well, Ellipse’s freedom and safety were pretty important to her too. She was not about to give that up, even she had been travelling with Tejal for a couple months now.

“It is important to me too,” Focci continued. “This machine could put all four of my brothers through school and get my mothers out of their crumbling house. It is the one opportunity I may ever have to do the ground-breaking coding I have always wanted to do but never could, because Spec Corp runs every tech industry in my system.”

Okay, solid arguments. But Ellipse was not about to give up her dreams for anyone else’s.

“I understand that you may not want to help,” Focci said, suddenly floating right at Ellipse’s side, “but the least you could do is tell us why. You know why the generator is personally valuable for me and Tejal, and it is only fair that we understand why not helping us is valuable to you.”

The boys knew exactly why. Ellipse had been attacked by bounty hunters days ago, and that team had threatened to come after her again, and every time she weighed her own freedom against the dreams of her crew members, her side weighed more.

“You are not Elliott Bei,” Focci argued, as if he had read her mind, “so why are you so afraid?”

Ellipse’s hand shook on the joystick, and she brought the other to rest on top, but then both of her hands were shaking. And then she realized that every part of her, from her ankles to her shoulders to her teeth, quaked.

Well, she thought, Focci was not a bounty hunter, and she did not have to be specific. This was the least she could do. With a shuddering sigh, Ellipse took her hands off the joystick and let them shake in her lap.


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Sat Dec 30, 2017 9:54 pm
ExOmelas wrote a review...



Woah, you have a lot of reviews on this chapter! Let's see if I can find something to say that hasn't been covered already...

Nit-picks:

Tejal avoided Ellipse like she was under quarantine, and Focci sought her out whenever possible, so really it was Ellipse creating space, and the boys fumbling their way around her.

This doesn't really make sense. Ellipse is creating space by avoiding Focci, sure, but Tejal is already avoiding her, so that doesn't work. Also, is it meant to make sense why this is happening? It wasn't exactly her fault what happened in the last chapter. Do they now believe that she's Elliott Bei and has been deceiving them this whole time? Why would some bounty hunter making the mistake that Tejal had already made make a difference? Will keep an eye on this thread for the rest of the chapter to check if these questions are answered.

“I guess I thought…” Tejal trailed off and looked away, and a frustrated sigh escaped his lips. “Nevermind.”

I don't really understand what's happening here, although I guess maybe I'm not meant to yet.

even though she had been travelling with Tejal for a couple months now.


Overall:

Okay, I have quite a bit of confusion right now.

When did Ellipse and Focci fight? Just that thing about the alphabet singing? I really don't get why that's such a big deal. Maybe it was something before? I'm really not sure.

Secondly, why is Ellipse being chased by bounty hunters anything to do with the boys' project? How could not helping them decrease her chances of getting caught? I really don't get how that works, which makes it difficult for me to understand the internal conflict that Ellipse is struggling with right now.

However, did I understand the answers to these two questions, this would be a well set up tension in the story. I can see her personal safety versus her loyalty to her friends facing off against each other, so that's great. I'm also super excited to hear what she's about to tell them, you have no idea xD

Hope this helps,
Biscuits :)




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Sun Dec 03, 2017 5:03 pm
TheSilverFox wrote a review...



How it took four days for the boys to combine their efforts on her when they had joined forces on the fold generator almost immediately, Ellipse could not figure out.


They're nerds, Ellipse, I thought we established that. :P

In all seriousness, I'm impressed with the way you set up the next chapter. My whole thought process in reading through this chapter was "yeah, Ellipse's facade is over." The impetus of her arguments has regressed to "don't talk to me," and it's clear that so many close calls are eating at her and her nerves. Hence, she can't keep lying to the rest of the crew, as they've sensed her anxiety and now suspect her (as they should). That she should interrupt Tejal's work on his miniature fold generator by cutting off her connection with 'Randi Abe' did surprise me a bit, though Tejal provides some solid dangers behind the connection. However, the whole thing made more sense when I read onward and saw her concerns. She's more afraid than I think she has been in years, and the way that you specify her arrangement of priorities is fantastic. You describe, simply and definitely, that she places her own concerns above the rest. She could have good reason to, since her life likely hinges on it.

Anyways, it's good to see that she's willing to take that first step towards reconciliation/explaining things, and not solely because it means we finally get to understand Ellipse's backstory. Her withholding information only fuels suspicion, distrust, and anger, all of which could harm her chances of avoiding capture (though, if we're being honest, going to the Tubai System doesn't sound like a good idea for her, especially if she wants to leave the ship); she's better off at least explaining why she's blocked them. So yeah, the plot's solid, I like your commentary on her rationale, and I'm interested in seeing the bombshells you drop in (aptly) Chapter 42. Beyond that, the other elements of the chapter are also well written. Both Tejal and Focci become more sympathetic than ever, thanks to their mutual ambitions and Focci's family struggles. Focci's "mothers" comment makes me curious about his family (and it's also a good bit of representation). It is nice to know that Tejal's parents could definitely be allies down the road (tying it back to something I remember in past chapters where it was mentioned they were more ethical bounty hunters). And, really, Ellipse does need all the help she can get.

Past a single use of "more paler," which invokes my inner grammar spirit, this chapter is exceptional! You do a solid job of pulling up character backstories, investigating Ellipse's collapsing stubbornness, and setting the stage for the drama to come. Well done!

(I hope this review is okay, I'm nervous this morning. It's possible reading about Ellipse being nervous has a similar effect on me?)




Ventomology says...


Man, I always feel silly when people point out my grammatical errors. I'll fix that once I'm at the computer. But I'm glad you liked this chapter!



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Wed Nov 29, 2017 3:51 pm
BluesClues wrote a review...



So I read this several days ago, but I've been having trouble coming up with anything useful to say. And then also it's been an annoying week at work, so I try to review something and then give up. But today for real. This is getting reviewed 100% for sure.

I'm glad we get to see some tension here, and it's funny that Ellipse is the one giving everyone the cold shoulder when Focci and Tejal are the ones with every right to treat her a little badly just now. I mean, they shouldn't but it would be more understandable, since she's been lying to them this whole time. But I also like the way Focci - without being mean or shouty about it at all - points out to her that they have things that are important to them, true, and it's not fair of her to shove that aside for her own interests.

Even though he's just slightly misguided there, because her own interests are basically "not getting caught by bounty hunters," which is pretty much of immediate importance.

I can't wait to see how he responds to her telling him everything. I'm almost surprised she's finally doing it, but at the same time it feels like the right point in the story for this to happen; she's had a lot of close calls with people who might recognize her at this point, so if she went on much longer without telling either of them anything I'd wonder why they weren't getting more and more suspicious.

I'm also curious to see if Focci will make her tell Tejal right away or not. It seems like Tejal might almost even suspect, considering his comment about how he and his parents wouldn't take her in if she had a good reason for running away - like he was trying to tell her she could trust him with the truth. It seems like he'll be far more forgiving of her real identity than I was expecting, so I'm excited to see how that turns out. Overall, one of your stronger chapters, I think.




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Sun Nov 26, 2017 6:14 am
Elinor wrote a review...



Hey Vent!

Ellie here to give you a review. As a fair warning, I haven't read any of your other chapters, so I'm a bit unsure of the story up until this point, so I'm judging it on its own merits. I think GreenTea gave you some really good advice on how you can improve your sentence structure and make this flow a little bit better, but as a whole I was really into this!

I found myself curious as to the lives of these characters and the world they inhabit. However, what I think this is missing is a little spice. You tell us very clearly what these characters are going through and their dialogue, so we're able to understand what's going on. However, I didn't feel like I was truly invested in the story. Really paint a picture of what's going on! I want to feel like I'm experiencing it with them! My other inclination is that you know your characters pretty well, if you've been with them for forty-one chapters. However, I found the dialogue all a little bit interchangeable. It was hard to differentiate one character for another this way. What sometimes helps it go through your work, highlighting only one character's dialogue each time then comparing. Can help build voice.

Otherwise, good job. I hope this helped! Let me know if you have any questions.




Ventomology says...


Ah, it's nice to get new eyes on this. I hadn't realized I was getting lazy with the dialogue.

Thanks so much!



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Sun Nov 26, 2017 6:06 am
GreenTea wrote a review...



Greenteas and salutations my dear friend! 
My name is GreenTea and I'm here to review! I hope none of the constructive criticism will be taken negatively and the positive comments will help inspire you to continue. Let's get into the review!

Ok well, I kind of intruded on this in the middle of the story but I think I can get my head around what is going on. I like the direction the story is heading, from the little segment I know about it. I can kind of visualize a steampunk type environment where there are a lot of robots and stuff and "Conics" is a ship of some kind (air or water). Please correct me if I'm wrong, but there also seems to be some tension between the main narrator and someone on the ship. I'm excited to see where this is going! Your word choice was excellent and I loved how your tone went along with the theme of the story.

Now time for comments!
1) "How it took four days for the boys to combine their efforts on her when they had joined forces on the fold generator almost immediately, Ellipse could not figure out."
This seems a little random in its placement. Perhaps add a small intro or something to make it seem less out of place?

2) "Wow Tejal, Ellipse thought. That was very encouraging."
You don't have to take this suggestion if you don't want to or if it contradicts with your writing style, but it might be a little easier to understand if you made the narrators thoughts in italics so the reader can decipher it from the rest of the text. Again, you do not have to take this suggestion, it just a visual preference.

3) "Once she switched with Focci, she was going to blast a siren lament on her trumpet and improvise new lines up an octave, and then she planned on playing scales until her lips turned numb and Focci screeched at her to stop practicing the alphabet already."
This is a little bit of a run on sentence. Perhaps break it into two sentences? Maybe "Once she switched with Focci, she was going to blast a siren lament on her trumpet and improvise new lines up an octave. Then she planned on playing scales until her lips turned numb and Focci screeched at her to stop practicing the alphabet already."'

Well, that’s all I have for now! Hope I gave you a quali-tea review!
再見
Zàijiàn!
~GreenTea




Ventomology says...


Haha, this is actually sci-fi, if you check the tags at the top. But I'm glad you like it!

Admittedly, I don't often have a chance to completely check through this novel for sentence structure issues, since I'm bound by the rules of a competition to post once a week, and I have school work that takes up a lot of time, but I'll definitely keep an eye out for the longer sentences in the future.

Thanks so much!

(Also, and this is totally random, but you don't happen to be Chinese/Taiwanese do you? I feel like there isn't really much presence of Asian-Americans or just Asians in general on this site, so I get excited when I meet people who might also be Asian.)



GreenTea says...


Oh no, I'm not Asian American. I'm just extremely fascinated with all eastern culture, especially Chinese and Japanese. I don't like a whole lot of anime even though I love Japan. I'm just really interested in their culture, geography, art, history, etc! I hope I'm not being offensive, I just find it really cool!




Poetry is a phantom script telling how rainbows are made and why they go away.
— Carl Sandburg