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Young Writers Society



Conics Unfortunately: 64

by Ventomology


They left bright and early the next morning, just packed up their belongings and hopped on a rocket shuttle out of LaGuardia Airfield. The return tickets had been booked for that day anyways, but Ellipse was glad to be in space again. She wanted to be out of the reach of other bounty hunters sooner rather than later.

The ride up, unlike the plummet through the atmosphere, was smooth. Strapped into the ceiling with the duffel bags and Tejal’s folded-up wheelchair, Ellipse hardly registered the shuttle’s movement outside of takeoff, a bit of turbulence in-atmosphere, and the sudden rush of gravity upon docking at the ISS.

Ribs pressing down into the elastic restraints, Ellipse wriggled her legs free and shimmied butt-first out of the straps across her torso. She landed a hair’s width away from Focci’s webbed fingers, boots hitting the metal floor with a satisfying clunk.

From the wall, Tejal let out a grunt. “Get my chair down first. This is really uncomfortable.”

Ellipse considered hauling their luggage down first, just to be petty, but she figured now was not the time. They only had a few days left together. Rolling her eyes, she stretched up onto her toes and pulled loose the elastic straps holding Tejal’s chair and tugged the chair down so she could open it up.

“Just put it there,” Tejal said, gesturing at a spot on the ground with his neck.

It took another few minutes, most of which Ellipse spent on her toes pulling down the luggage while the boys finagled their ways to mobility, but eventually the group was ready to leave. With waves of their twin tails, Crane and Shell led the way down the cramped shuttle corridor, past a few other passengers struggling to free themselves from the restraints, and out into the landing dock.

The docking room stretched out, thin like the shuttle and long enough to have a noticeable curve in the floor. It was chrome, all spiffy, spick-and-span, though Ellipse noted with some distaste that the corners of the room looked dull with dust. Whoever the janitors were, they were not up to snuff.

As the gato led the way out of the docking room and into the eclectic, Arts and Crafts revival style hall just beyond, Ellipse kept her eyes peeled. She adjusted her grip on the duffle bags and lifted her gaze up above the heads of the other earthlings scattered through the space.

She spotted a particularly well-nourished specifus whose maple-tree canopy lifted way overhead, and then a tyran even lankier and knobbier than Wrecktrix, but thankfully, only those two and a tall, blonde earthling woman stood out among the crowds. No day tubai yet. Ellipse slouched in relief. Hopefully the rest of the walk through the ISS would proceed smoothly.

“You seem tense,” Focci observed, flopping alongside her.

Ellipse’s knee banged into the trumpet case tucked into one of the duffle bags, and she bit back a wince. “I have to be on guard until we make it onto the Ink.”

“Tejal’s parents are professionals,” Focci reassured her. “Even if some rival bounty hunters show up, I am sure they can make sure everything runs smoothly.”

Ellipse walked right into Crane, knocking the same banged knee into his ribcage, and she nearly toppled over. She looked back at Tejal. “Why did we stop?”

She felt a rumbling under her knee before Tejal responded.

“Apparently there’s some weird crowd path patterns up ahead. Shell is going to scout it out.”

Okay, wow. Ellipse already knew about the uncanny pattern sensing—Universal Biology had explained it as a mechanism for detecting prey in vast ice fields—but seriously? No wonder Crane and Shell had caught her before.

Crane rumbled again, and Ellipse sent Tejal another pointed look.

“We’re going to keep moving forward for the time being. It’s probably just an unlicensed street performer or something.”

They pushed on, weaving through the other travellers in single file, and when Shell returned purring the old ‘no news is good news’ adage, Ellipse let herself relax. The group passed into the shipping sector, with its exposed industrial structures, weathered concrete walls, and big central conveyor belt, and Ellipse found that despite lugging around two duffle bags, she had a spring in her step. They were almost there.

And then something made the hairs on the back of her neck stand straight. She glanced up, but could not spot any tall, white day tubai exoskeletons. The closest thing was a pale blue tyran with beefy muscles who stood surrounded by a flock of brilliantly colored avians.

“Is something wrong?” Tejal asked.

“I do not think so?” Maybe the earthling bounty hunter was alone. “Your parents could figure out if someone nearby was a fellow bounty hunter, right?”

“Probably.” Tejal rolled forward, closer to his parents. “Do you see anyone suspicious?”

Crane meowed something back and moved to find a vantage point, and the moment that Ellipse stepped out of his way, closer to the conveyor belt, she felt a set of cold fingers close around her elbow.

She was yanked backwards. One of the duffle bags dropped to the ground, and she stumbled back, legs struggling to keep up with whatever force had taken hold of her arm.

“And here I thought you were trying to stay free.”

Ellipse knew that tenor. It was the earthling bounty hunter. Ice crawled down her spine, and she tried to drop her weight, to fall, but the grip on her elbow tightened, and her shoulder ached the moment she dipped too low. She twisted over, remaining duffle bag swinging out in a wide arc. Her trumpet case smashed into the bounty hunter’s knees with a hollow crack, and the grip loosened just enough for her to slip free.

“Ow!” The hand closed around her wrist. “Oh, no you don’t. If anyone’s getting that money, it’s going to be-

Ellipse dropped to the ground, tugging the man off balance, and twisted her hand to dig her nails into his skin. “Let go of me,” she hissed.

The words had hardly left her mouth before a white blur streaked across her vision. She heard the yowl and the scratchy shriek of a man about to be mauled by a cat, and then her wrist was free. Scrambling backwards, she looked around for Tejal and Focci, not sure if she should help or not.

Through the denim-clad legs of a huddle of delivery workers, Ellipse saw Tejal waving. “Come on! Shell can take care of that guy!”

Ellipse gathered the bag in her arms and ran.


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Mon May 28, 2018 10:11 am
ExOmelas wrote a review...



Ah, I almost made it to this one last night but then a weird emotional thing happened (don't worry, nothing bad) and I completely lost all energy. Let's see if I can catch up before you post even more chapters this time! :P

Nit-picks:

Ellipse knew that tenor. It was the earthling Bounty Hunter.

Just to be clear, the one from the chase scene a while back that I really liked?

The words had hardly left her mouth before a white blur streaked across her vision. She heard the yowl and the scratchy shriek of a man about to be mauled by a cat, and then her wrist was free. Scrambling backwards, she looked around for Tejal and Focci, not sure if she should help or not.

I really don't know if I get what's happened here. Is that white blur Shell? I don't quite remember what colour he is, so I'm not sure.

Overall:

I'm not entirely sure what the point of all the Ellipse-Tejal-Focci interactions at the beginning was, like, the bit about the wheelchair. It's good to have the emotional beat from before reinforced, but I don't think as much context needs to be given, or that that scene needs to be relayed in pretty much real time. You could probably have this start with them arriving then quick flashes back to interactions they had that are paining Ellipse because she's going to have to leave soon. Your first paragraph was pretty good though, so maybe I would actually keep that and flash from there to having landed.

I think it would have been a bit helpful to just outline the jeopardy of this chapter at some point. I get Ellipse being frightened before I realised she's scared of other bounty hunters, I think. I realise this makes sense now, but it would just go slightly smoother if I had the concept of the chapter straight in my head from the start.

Still love the characters, settings, random details etc but there's only so many times I can mention that stuff before it becomes pointless xD

Hope this helps,
Biscuits :)




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Sun May 20, 2018 10:53 pm
TheSilverFox wrote a review...



Ellipse considered hauling their luggage down first, just to be petty, but she figured now was not the time.


Aww, but what about for old time's sake. :P

Grammar and spelling stuff first:

They left bright and early the next morning, just packed up their belongings and hopped on a rocket shuttle out of LaGuardia Airfield.


Ehhh I have less of a problem with this being grammatically incorrect, since it flows fine. It just doesn't fit with the voice of the story, though I can't explain why I feel that way.

As for the story itself, it's definitely getting harder to find things to say. After 64 chapters, I feel like I've already covered, discussed, and raised questions on just about every topic. But hey, reviewing these chapters helps me put my thoughts together; I prefer that to the jumble of random observations and comments I come up with while I'm reading. In this case, I love the last-minute twist. There's something frightening about Ellipse's bounty being so significant that not even her being near two recognizable bounty hunters (I have to assume Crane and Shell are at least somewhat noteworthy in that community) stops others from trying to take her. Of course, if she makes it onto the Ink, chances are that her group can head straight to Andra-Media without incident, but no wonder she's as nervous as she is. It doesn't help there's two million dollars at stake. On that note, the suspense you create is magnificent. Expanding on what Blue pointed out, we all know that Ellipse is going to end up in that courtroom and defend herself against Andra-Media. The question still remains as to how; the answer could either help or harm the nerds, and they really can't afford (haha puns) the latter.

As for the twist itself, I admire how you bring back the human bounty hunter (whose companions, I suspect, are scattered around and waiting for the opportunity to strike) for one last epic action scene. I didn't realize how much I missed those scenes until now. The flow is fast-paced and dynamic, the trumpet case turns into a beautiful Chevok's Gun (so to speak), and a guy gets attacked by a cat, so it's a high-quality scene. Mildly unrelated, but I didn't quite realize how short Shell and Crane are. I mean, the're based on cats, so I shouldn't be too surprised, but I was caught off guard by the description of Ellipse running into Crane. That's more a testament to my own ignorance and perceptions than anything else, though. In any case, it's intensely rewarding to read about the bounty hunter getting beat up, even if the narrative focuses on Ellipse, which means the audience can't enjoy the moment for long. Yet, she needs to make what is hopefully her last getaway. No point in waiting for the day tubai or any other bounty hunters to show up.

And that's about all I have to say! The chapter has a lot of great moments - Ellipse and the nerds making their way into a refreshingly familiar setting, the gato spotting odd crowd patterns (thus building up a sense of dread in the audience), and Tejal telling Ellipse to run at the end. I'm excited to see if Ellipse can escape the bounty hunter and make her way to Andra-Media. All in all, great job!




Ventomology says...


Muhahahaha. You remember what I said about dogfights?



TheSilverFox says...


o-o



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Thu May 17, 2018 1:18 pm
BluesClues wrote a review...



HOLY MOTHER OF PLOT TWISTS, BATMAN!

Man, I didn't think there could be any more suspense about the court case, but I was wrong. When we first saw that scene, I figured she had been caught at last and that's how she ended up there. But then her plan came up, and I was like, "Whoa, plot twist, she turns herself in and that's how she ended up there." But NOW this bounty hunter is back AGAIN so???

And yet somehow it's still suspenseful! You haven't jumped the shark yet, even though usually at this point I'd expect to be like "*sigh* Can we just get to what actually happens yet?"

I think it helps that you set up the court case so early, so it's been in the back of my mind since then that she eventually does end up there. And then it took so long to get to her plan that it didn't ruin that suspense immediately, and then we figured it was over, so it's shocking (but not annoying/jerking us around) when the bounty hunter shows up again.

Although I really have to wonder how he found her in all of navigable space. I'm sure he has his ways. But, like, she's not even on the Conics right now, so it's not precisely like he can track her ship? Although then again maybe it's waiting for them above somewhere and I just don't remember.




Ventomology says...


AHAHA. Alas I can't tell you anything. Also I may have just really wanted to write one last action scene for finality's sake.



BluesClues says...


Heh heh heh. Wow, you must be closer to the end than I am, bc I definitely have more than one action scene left. But then again you've got court proceedings, and I don't.




You'd better wise up, Pony... you get tough like me and you don't get hurt. You look out for yourself and nothing can touch you, man.
— Dallas Winston, The Outsiders