Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
Author's Notes: 1,929 words. Protagonist squad showing up and being all cool at the end is actually pretty good, but the rest - including the gesture that Eremia shouldn't be seeing because she's too far away - is ew. Edited on request, but maybe not perfectly, so please point out anything I might've done wrong.
Eremia grumbled as the sound of arrows embedding in the earth came from the distance and neared. She was far too tired and injured to muster any other attack, and it was hard to focus any further with her head feeling like it had been cracked open to view the contents. At least they had the soldier, but he looked about as old as she was, and he didn't have any weapon with him. The most he provided was moral support, and that wasn't doing them much good. Ailean had no intention to kill them, that much she could guess, but he didn't seem like the kind of guy who would care about a few broken limbs. Well, she'd been lucky before, hadn't she? All she could do now was hope that Jonathan had actually been looking out for them, and had prepared a force of his own.
"Who are you?" demanded Jonah as he tried to ignore Yorew's objections and swatting away his hands while he tried to pull the arrow of Yorew’s calf. The soldier, who was dressed in padded leather armor and a makeshift helmet, which was over a simple outfit that bared parts of his legs and his midriff, stared back.
"I am..." he began, but a volley of arrows striking the earth drowned him out.
Jonah's face shriveled and he tried again. "I said, who are you?"
As Eremia began to move back from her open position, thanks to the strikes growing yet closer, the soldier also began to shuffle back. "I. am..." he said more forcefully, but was again drowned out.
Eremia gritted her teeth and tried to cover her ears as the two continued in this fashion, growing ever louder. This was getting ridiculous, and it hurt to move her broken arm at all, which made her present efforts incredibly painful. By now, she had to push herself back farther and farther, as the archers grew more audacious and reckless. Her faith in Jonathan diminished with each row of shots, although she carried within her the faint hope that the boy had predicted that they would ignore him to head to Exedor, and had planned for such.
Finally, seeing a volley heading right for them, Eremia finally stood up and started running. Jonah, terrified, did the same, while Yorew, who couldn't move much at all, began to crawl. The soldier, who was beginning to respond as loudly as possible to Jonah’s latest repeated question, realized as much, and so moved in front of Yorew, shadowing and covering him from the approaching arrows.
"...Aquila!" the soldier shouted, as an arrow embedded itself in his back and he collapsed, falling beside Yorew. Eremia and Jonah turned around in horror, the remaining shots landing inches away from their feet, and dashed back. Eremia cursed the fact that Aquila hadn't had much any armor at all as she peered over and inspected his bleeding wound. It looked awful, and the way that blood flowed rapidly from it meant that he wasn't going to be alive at all very shortly. What kind of soldier was he, anyway? If any soldier at all? Beyond the bravest idiot in the entirety of the world.
Jonah grabbed her hand before she made to touch the deadly arrow shaft, and pointed towards the hill. "Look!" he commanded in immense relief as Eremia thrust her hand away from his, and her eyes followed his gaze and the direction by which he was pointing to orient towards the small procession of soldiers standing in front of them and the archers.
Her eye twitched. This had to be Jonathan's force. Except, of course, it had arrived too late to save one man, and possibly two, and was far smaller than the gathering of archers. What in the world was he planning, and how did he hope to succeed?
"Alarick!" shouted Ailean. Though they were close enough that the former could most likely hear him, she guessed that he wanted everyone else within earshot to listen to his plans as well. "This is the business of the Kingdom of Eimhin. We have been informed that those four are responsible for the murder of our soldiers, the theft of our horse and goods, and a petty diplomatic disregard for the people of our country. If you are to interfere with our country's affairs, there will be war.”
The next voice was deep and eloquent, the tones of a well-versed speaker and negotiator within them. It was forceful, demanding, and powerful, and the only thing keeping Eremia alive and relatively unharmed at the moment. "Might I ask why you would send your finest soldiers after three children and one man? I am well aware of the identity of those behind me as the Prince of Exedor, Princess of Exedor, and their associates. The treaty that established my army specified that I have the right to act if I feel as though a member of the Confederacy is abusing its influence on other nations or directly harming them. Your Alliance has spent too long threatening the authority of the throne, and now you look for another country's children and soldiers to make your puppets? Shame on you. Stand down."
Eremia watched as this little feud unveiled itself, and realized that one of Ailean's soldiers was lying dead upon the ground, an arrow through his head and the surrounding soldiers trying to restrain the man's horse from running away. This had to be Jonathan's work, and yet she could not see him in the distance - he was hidden behind some of the other specks. In that fashion, she could only recognize Ailean by his voice, rather than his appearance. "The King's children? Doubtful. I see only fakers, lying Exedor citizens who walked their way into my country and attacked my people. If you would be so kind as to remember the Treaty of Austliere, any individual country has the right to prosecute the leading nation, or even secede, if it feels as though the rights of its people are being infringed upon or attacked by that country or its close allies. Fly away, little Doves - I must show as much force as possible if I am to dissuade your ilk from making their way into my land. I will not have you come in on the whims of a foolish and old state and think that you may meddle in my affairs or kill my soldiers, or defend Exedor-supported liars."
Eremia hesitantly took a few steps forward, eyes narrowing as she waved her arms towards Jonathan's group in the hopes that they could come over and provide aid. She wasn't eager to see this devolve into an argument over treaties and words, especially not with people dying around her. Besides, she had only a faint awareness of the Treaty of Austliere, and none at all of these Doves.
Nevertheless, Alarick gestured to Eremia and retorted. "I have a source on the highest authority that indicates otherwise. You are well-known for your lying tongue, prince. With regards to your Treaty, it explicitly calls upon the House of Wyandanch or its allies to crack down upon nations accused of abusing their citizens or those around them. It might not be strong enough to oppose your father's sense of leadership, but it does have enough trust in us and our swords to protect children from a tyrant. The Confederacy is against you, boy, as are we, and we have proved as much in the past. Take a step further, and you invite war upon yourself and your father's kind."
There was a long and audible silence on the hill. Eremia wanted to scream in pain and frustration, but there was nothing she could do at this point but pray that Ailean would desist, and that she would be fine. Jonah, staring back at the victims, one of whom was breathing deeply and closed his eyes so that he not look at his wound or the fallen eagle, clearly felt the same, as he knelt and gave his most desperate and pleading expression to the skies.
"...I did not come here to argue treaties," said the Prince of Eimhin at last, stammering. "I will have those children, regardless of who they are and what their intentions are, and you cannot stop me. But, for now, I see that I am outgunned, and I will need reinforcements. This is no victory on your part, mind you. I will not be so easily stopped by...frauds, as I know them to be. As you were, ladies and gentleman; know that you have violated the Treaty of Austliere in your partisan sentiment, and you will all pay dearly for it."
There was a general sigh of relief among the four as the gathering of cavalry descended briefly down the hill, turned around, and charged up it in a prominent cloud of dust. Swift as they were, they vanished shortly, and the procession of Jonathan's soldiers on the hill wasted little time in making their way towards Eremia when they saw that the army had left.
A few men and women jumped off of their horses, led by a man in a metal suit with his face exposed. It was the face of a tired man, with pronounced cheekbones and a friendly gaze marred by the bags under his eyes and the wrinkles on his face. His short black hair was ruffled when he took off his helmet, and it seemed he enjoyed that appearance, as his hair was greased and parts of it stuck up slightly. The younger lady next to him, with blue eyes and curly ginger hair, proceeded over to Yorew and Aquila while the man stared down at the siblings.
"Get on," he said simply, a slight frown on his face, and he gestured behind him on his horse. Jonah and Eremia looked at each other, and then at him.
"How in the world was he outgunned?" Eremia asked suspiciously, eyebrow raised. The man sighed and moved his horse forward slightly, revealing the figure of Jonathan riding his own horse in the back. In front of him, one to his left and the other to his right, were two teenagers. The girl to the left had smooth, bowl-like and blue hair (which seemed dyed) and smiled bemusedly at them. The boy to the right had an enigmatic smile on his face, and his eccentric and large amount of red hair made him look playful and energetic in comparison. Jonathan, in the meantime, winked and stretched his bow taut. Eremia formed an o with her mouth.
Then came shouting nearby, and Eremia turned to see the ginger-haired woman pulling the arrows out from Yorew and Aquila. The corresponding spurts of blood, which made her and the woman wince, all but confirmed Eremia's fears. However, though Aquila momentarily broke free from consciousness, shouted, and fell silent again, and Yorew simply groaned and tried as hard as possible to not pass out, the woman concentrated and began to channel the energy that spilled from her. Eremia was stunned, mouth agape as she watched the woman heal the sizable wounds within both individuals. This was a greater amount of healing magic than she had ever seen before, even considering Yorew's talent. On the other hand, she hadn't grown used to bloody carnage until quite recently, a fact that hung heavy on her mind. Everyone else, in the meantime, treated this as a rather mundane spectacle. If they were some kind of military force, that wasn't surprising.
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Well, now that the cavalry's arrived, clearly not all is well because there wouldn't be much of a plot if the now-quartet were successfully escorted back to the castle and their parents, yes? So my money is on Ailean coming back with a bigger army to wreck the day, magical children be confounded.
If I am right, then I suppose I could say that plot is a bit predictable, but that's not necessarily a bad thing.
One thing that did strike me as a bit odd was how Alarick didn't send anyone over to treat the obviously wounded people he was attempting to protect while he was exchanging words with Ailean. I mean, it seems rather silly to go through all that effort to negotiate without the people whose safety you are negotiating for surviving said negotiations. Even if only one or two people came over to assess their conditions, I think it would go a long way in reinforcing that Alarick is there to rescue the group.
Hello, TheSilverfox! I apologize in advance if my review isn't helpful.
As per usual, I didn't have any overall problems with the grammar in this chapter, and any of the minor ones have been brought up by the other reviewers. So, like in my other reviews, I'll talk about the other aspects of the chapter.
My first comment is that I had trouble following what was happening. While it might be because I've only been up a little over an hour, I think the length of the paragraphs are the more likely culprit. With a few exceptions at the very beginning of the work, it's mainly constructed of large blocks of text. I feel like that made it difficult for me to digest what was going on. That might just be me, though, so I'd suggest checking out what the other readers have been thinking! My suggestion to fix it is to break them up into smaller ones.
(I do know that you're going to tone down the descriptions once you get away from the older chapters of your story, so don't fret about it too much. Just keep that in mind for future chapters and other works!)
On a different note, I love how in depth you go with politics. The conversation in this chapter showed a lot about how the countries in your world interact, and, while it was slightly difficult for me to understand because I'm not too knowledgeable with that kind, I feel like that's a great way to show the reader what's going on.
I really enjoyed reading your work, and I'm sorry if any part of my review seemed harsh. Also, please feel free to PM me if something I said doesn't make sense. I'd be happy to explain it to you. Keep up the great work - which I doubt you'll have trouble with - and good luck on your writing endeavors! I hope you have a wonderful day/night!
Yay, thanks for the review! I definitely need to tone down my descriptions here, and I'll hopefully take care of that when I edit this down the road. I'm also kind of surprised that everyone likes the politics parts - it's one of my favorite things to write, but I've always worried it might come across as stuffy or too confusing. It's relieving to see that's not the case! Once again, thanks!
You're welcome! Even I had to reread those parts once or twice, hearing about the politics of a fictional land is super interesting. I can see why you enjoy writing about it!
I hate long drives with my parents, so I'm going to pretend that I purposefully put this review off until late at night in order to be better able to pass out in the car tomorrow.
Technical Comments:
1. Haha nice opening line.
2. Hey look there's a ton of new people in this chapter. Let's talk about describing appearances!
You love to string adjectives together (which is probably why people accuse you of being dry, but whatever), and while adjectives are great, if you use too many, you'll doom yourself to the land of Please-Just-Stop.
The redhead boy's description is an especially good example. You've got enigmatic, eccentric, large, red, playful, and energetic, which brings your total to six. On top of that, 'large amount of' is pretty stiff. Personally, I think this particular character could be encompassed by one adjective and a short comparison: mischievous (because you've got that enigmatic mystery-dude thing doing plus the playful), and with hair like a bonfire.
And just a nitpick, but I'd take out the comparison line, because you don't describe blue-hair-girl as being gloomy or serious, so she isn't really contrasted with redhead?
And same with the head honcho: you describe him, yes, but you don't play with language at all to do it. And to be totally honest, the best way to describe people is to do it playfully. If I wanted to tell you what my roomie looks like, I'd tell you she has a dainty face and enough black hair to suffocate a man. You'll remember a description like that, because it's relatively short, and pretty interesting.
Playful descriptions of people will cut out the adjectives and the dryness, and make a lasting impression, because they are more likely to be unique, and they give a good reference point for people to build from. It's difficult to build a face from "strong jaw, large, sharp nose, and thick eyebrows," but if I say "looks like a macaroni penguin," you'd totally get it, and you'd have all the proportions nicely laid out too, which would be an absolute pain in the behind to describe straight.
And I know this isn't a story that's meant to be particularly playful, but you could also call playful descriptions 'artful,' and just use more elegant comparisons.
So that's a thing to keep in mind. Be more playful in your descriptions of characters. And other things too, probably.
3. Please for the love of all that is holy, describe your magic. "Energy" is super vague. Like, if you were thinking glowy hands, that would be 100% different from a rain of sparkles or tendrils of light or wounds just sort of stitching shut.
Plot, Characterization, and Misc. Items:
1. Ah, there's the deus ex machina. Love it when friendly troops show without it being part of the plan.
2. See I knew Jonathan was a big shot. I hate it when I'm right.
3. Now that you've introduced a new group, I'd like to know where they're from. Do any of them wear clothing that would signify that? Because I'd mention details like that in this chapter.
4. I looked up Aquila, and it's literally just Latin for 'eagle' I am so proud of you. I love when names literally just describe the person, and I promise that's not sarcasm.
Now, I'm going to stop on that high note.
Until next time!
-Buggie
Fffffff, past me didn't believe in explanations.
*long shrug* The more I look upon this farce (and it is one), the more I think it needs some self-awareness and sarcasm. So I like the playful descriptions thing, and also writing shorter character introductions (which I do eventually do, after a few chapters). And ehhhhh like there was any way they were getting out of there otherwise. Still is deus ex machina, of course, but maybe justified. And yes, I had an astronomy textbook, and I saw Aquila as the constellation of the eagle, and I thought, "Hey that's a great name!" I believe I have a few others like it.
Thanks for the review!
Also, Jonathan shows off almost never, so that line may be out of character for him. It just sounded really cool when I wrote this and he's by his friends, so he might be more open than usual.
Sometimes it takes me a bit to settle into a character too. Don't sweat it right now, just make note for later.
Hey Silver! Just dropping by for a quick review today.
I like how Eremia is paying enough attention to let the reader draw conclusions about all the political stuff, even if she doesn't really understand it all. I particularly like the juxtaposition of the political confrontation with the recent horror of the battlefield, and how although Eremia is frustrated by it, the reader can feel the import of those words.
My main critique is that this chapter didn't really make me feel much of anything from Eremia, whether at the beginning when she's exhausted and in battle or later when she should be reacting to the newcomers and feeling sick at the costs of battle. In particular, even when the Prince stood down, she didn't seem to feel anything, even though it meant she was finally safe (at least temporarily). Not to reduce it to a show vs. tell thing, but though I usually knew what she was supposed to be feeling at the moment because you told us, I didn't feel it myself.
Part of it may be your syntax and paragraph structure - while having long paragraphs like you do makes more sense in the latter half of the chapter where things have slowed down, at the beginning in particular it's wordy and far too slow-paced for the situation. I felt more like an outside observer than I felt like I was actually there with Eremia. (Actually, as a whole this chapter felt overly wordy, but it hurt you most during the action part of the scene. I really feel like you could put pretty much the same amount of detail into this chapter but cut the word count by 50% if you worked on being more concise.)
I also agree that parts of it logistically don't make sense because Eremia needs to be nearer to see what's going on.
I think I'll leave it at that - sorry for the shorter review, but hopefully it was still helpful. Good luck as you edit this!
If you could believe it, this part was twice as big in the very first draft of the story. I suck at being concise and writing stories the audience can connect to (because I'm not a good writer), but I'll try to do that as I edit. I'm happy you liked the politics, and that you didn't find this chapter bad. Thanks for the review!
Hey! Here are corrections to your Chapter 4.2! Great story by the way!:)
My corrections are done in parenthesis! ()
Your sentence: "Who are you?" demanded Jonah as he tried to ignore Yorew's objections and swatting away his hands while he tried to pull the arrow of Yorew’s calf. The soldier, who was dressed in padded leather armor and a makeshift helmet, which was over a simple outfit that bared parts of his legs and his midriff, stared back.
My corrections: "Who are you?" (D)emanded Jonah(,) as he tried to ignore Yorew's objections (by) swatting away his hands (and pulling) the arrow of Yorew’s calf. The soldier (stared back.) (He) was dressed in padded leather armor and a makeshift helmet(I erased a few words here) over a simple outfit that bared parts of his legs and his midriff(.) *I placed stared back at the beginning of your sentence to help it flow better!
You sentence: "...Aquila!" the soldier shouted, as an arrow embedded itself in his back and he collapsed, falling beside Yorew. Eremia and Jonah turned around in horror, the remaining shots landing inches away from their feet, and dashed back. Eremia cursed the fact that Aquila hadn't had much any armor at all as she peered over and inspected his bleeding wound. It looked awful, and the way that blood flowed rapidly from it meant that he wasn't going to be alive at all very shortly. What kind of soldier was he, anyway? If any soldier at all? Beyond the bravest idiot in the entirety of the world.
My correction: "...Aquila!" the soldier shouted, as an arrow embedded itself in(to) his back(.) (He) collapse(d), falling beside(s) Yorew. Eremia and Jonah turned around in horror (and dashed back), (when) the remaining shots land(ed) inches away from their feet. Eremia cursed (I took out a few words here) that Aquila hadn't (worn) much (of) any armor at all as she peered over (to) inspect(I took out ed) his bleeding wound. It looked awful (because) blood flowed rapidly from it(.) (H)e wasn't going to be alive at all(,) very shortly. What kind of soldier was he(,) (i)f any soldier at all? (I believed he was even) (b)eyond the bravest idiot (in the entirety) of the world.
Your paragraph: Jonah grabbed her hand before she made to touch the deadly arrow shaft, and pointed towards the hill. "Look!" he commanded in immense relief as Eremia thrust her hand away from his, and her eyes followed his gaze and the direction by which he was pointing to orient towards the small procession of soldiers standing in front of them and the archers.
My correction: Jonah grabbed her hand before (touching) the deadly arrow shaft(.) (He) pointed towards the hill. "Look!" he commanded in immense relief as Eremia thrust her hand away from his(.) (H)er eyes followed his gaze and the direction by which he was pointing to (in order to) orient towards the small procession of soldiers standing in front of them and the archers.
Your paragraph: Her eye twitched. This had to be Jonathan's force. Except, of course, it had arrived too late to save one man, and possibly two, and was far smaller than the gathering of archers. What in the world was he planning, and how did he hope to succeed?
My correction: Her eye twitched. This had to be Jonathan's force(, which of course had to arrive) too late to save one man, and possibly two(.) (It) was far smaller than the gathering of archers. What in the world was he planning, and how did he hope to succeed?
Your paragraph:"Alarick!" shouted Ailean. Though they were close enough that the former could most likely hear him, she guessed that he wanted everyone else within earshot to listen to his plans as well. "This is the business of the Kingdom of Eimhin. We have been informed that those four are responsible for the murder of our soldiers, the theft of our horse and goods, and a petty diplomatic disregard for the people of our country. If you are to interfere with our country's affairs, there will be war.”
My correction: "Alarick!" shouted Ailean. (T)hey were close enough (for) the former (to) hear him(.) (S)he guessed (I removed that) he wanted everyone else within earshot to listen to his plans (too). "This is (I removed the) business (from the) Kingdom of Eimhin. We have been informed (of those) four (being) responsible for the murder of our soldiers(.) (They are also) theft(s) of our horse and goods(.) (We have come to see their) petty diplomatic disregard for the people of our country. If you are to interfere with our country's affairs, there will be war.”
Ehh, thanks for putting the effort in this; it's a pretty decent review. Still, I'd rather that my readers emphasize plot and theme over grammar and spelling, especially because I'll already be changing the latter extensively in the edit. Besides, it looks like we have different styles. Nevertheless, thanks for the review!
Your welcome. Thanks for letting me know what you really want in a review and sorry I gave you something you didn't really need right now.