z

Young Writers Society


12+

Chapter 10.2

by TheSilverFox


Author's Notes: 2,092 words.  I'm going to follow one of Buggie's suggestions and post these by segments rather than 2k word parts.  That means the word count might vary substantially from this point onward, but I can connect related ideas and preserve my overall coherency.  In this case, it's only coincidence that the rest of the segment is just over 2k words, thanks to infodumping.  Yeah, watch out for that. <.<

“We have no idea what it is he does,” said Uncle Franz. “My son tells me that he’s panicky, he tends to throw whatever he’s holding at anyone who asks him questions, and only says that he’s from the north – assuming we can understand his accented speech at all. We only use him to get rid of our junk. You, my King, are worthy of more, and your policies and desire for the well-being of the people, under the guiding hand of our key ally, mean that you have more you can and will do.”

It was pointless arguing with his uncles, so Wielde desisted. There was some applause among the gathered soldiers as the young king and his uncles passed through the space and turned to travel down where the wall split through the city. The young king sighed as the trio continued in almost perfect silence, his uncles marching in perfect tune to each other. A few other guards along the path saluted before grimly staring at the abandoned streets, markets, and weathered buildings that marked the so-called Two Thousand-Year Capital.

Capital of what? Wielde contemplated. This desolate and withered city of Wyandanch was his home, and he was not satisfied. Few people wandered beneath him on the streets, and those that did looked starved, destitute, and in rags, aimlessly shambling in the hopes of finding whatever few resources might keep them alive. Many of the homes and shops had been abandoned, as their exposed roofs, moss-covered walls, and shattered windows indicated. Torches on tall sticks lit spots besides the few open stores in the area, where purveyors of goods and weapons and other such items beat on rugs with sticks, covering themselves in the dust that pervaded the air. The purples and reds of a distant sunlight looming in front of him as he approached his quarry was blocked by humongous black, hexagonal spirals that towered almost infinitely into the sky, these Pillars suffocating the city in darkness. He felt it an apt metaphor, to be crushed by one’s own decaying history.

It stung that this was all that he owned. It stung more that he did not truly own any of it. At least, not yet. The King was now almost 18 years old, so it was likely that he would be coronated within this year or next. Or, however long it took for him to master his training in the magics and see that his white hair turn into blue – dyeing it did not count. It wasn’t as though the rest of the world had chosen to ignore him in the meantime; for instance, he had recently received a favorable letter from the prestigious kingdom to the west. The Eternal Queen had been unable to write, and her beloved adviser had apparently been in one of his “episodes,” meaning parts of his letters had been disregarded. The message had been dictated to him by a minor diplomat a week ago. Something about goodwill, cooperation, the destruction of the Alliance, and a half-mumbled message about ignoring the malevolent voices in one’s head. However, Seres, ever the true center of attention, had received a far larger letter on military strategy and friendliness.

By now, Uncle Franz had taken a temporary detour to embrace and talk eagerly with a young woman at the head of a brigade. She was charming, with a clean (though almost eerily pale) face and a strong-looking body, and dressed in light armor adorned with the symbol of Wyandanch. Her short-cropped white hair now had tinges of blue, and the King could see sparks of electricity dance on metal gloves as the young lady displayed her prowess to her father. The axe strapped to her back poked out from beneath the piles of hair and her beaming face as she, despite the large bags under her eyes, laughed and talked eagerly. Wielde huffed and seemed to shrink in size, feeling weak and frail in comparison to his own cousin. Why couldn’t she, with her credentials, military strength, and reputation, take the throne? Alternatively, wouldn’t it be simpler to marry her and let her rule? As much as he wanted to become a King, he felt plagued by his own comparative incompetence and foolishness.

The uncle returned to the gathering, which proceeded in earnest. Wielde simmered in the stew of his own discontent as he trudged along the long path. Heavy outfits did not befit him, as almost everything in this place did not; it did not help that he was full-well aware that he was barred from traveling to the rest of The Confederacy - that which he, in theory, “ruled”. Honestly, what point was there to life when he was trapped in a prison without even the key to free him from the chains that binded his hands? Even if he did become King eventually, Seres, as his only major advisor, and commander of the military forces in the city, would keep ruling. Seres would keep treating him like a child, keep ignoring his policy suggestions, and keep him as far away from a public that he still knew looked at him as a spoiled brat. And here he was, slowly heading for yet another part of his dreadful existence – a visit.

The long, wide wooden bridge that dug itself into the stone wall on one end creaked under their feet as the trio proceeded to a small, spiraling tower encircle by a segment of that wall. The bridge was merely there as a defense mechanism in the event of the wall’s control by the enemy, though Wielde always worried it would be used too quickly and against the wrong side. Still, despite standing by two men in suits of armor, the ageless bridge held. Several guards on the other end stood aside, saluting and bowing as they pointed imposing spears away, allowing Wielde to thrust open the damaged, slightly charred wooden door. Its planks held barely together by rusting metal, which also composed the hinges. The young king pushed himself up a flight of stairs in the narrow corridor as the uncles stopped and worked to put the door back into place.

He stared at the smoothly carved black steps. Many of the most prestigious buildings of the city had been carved from the quarries stationed within the Pillars. No one knew what materials were in the Pillars, or if it was entirely safe to take chunks out of them. Still, the blacksmiths under the dominion of the first Lord of Wyandanch, Wyn, had found the flames of a dragon’s breath allowed for the melting and recasting of sections of the Pillars. In the wake of the House’s union with the dragons, this proved quite a boon, allowing for structures such as these, beloved for their immense strength, rich colors, and existence as a status symbol, due to their rarity and value. Of course, when the dragons had grown tired of the kingdom and made their leave, their construction had become more of a lost art. Regardless, these ancient, dust-covered steps were more admirable to view than the artfully colored tapestries over his head. After all, he was not invigorated by seeing past kings and their successes, and he did not want to see his dead father’s face beaming down at him.

“My daughter!”

Wielde cringed and shuddered in a fit of anger. The young king stared hard at the ground, breathing in and out as he resisted the urge to make fists, and then walked his way up the last few steps to face his mother.

The lady was sitting gracefully in her bed across the small, circular stone room. Smelling faintly of scents that Wielde had no interest in focusing upon, she stared up absentmindedly to the ceiling, where her bed curtains, adorned with the ever-familiar shape of a dragon, frowned right back at her frail composure. Atop a pile of faint blue and green pillows, a blue blanket draped up to her chest, her milky eyes looked about the room until they spotted him. She smiled, revealing yellow and coal-blackened teeth. “My, you’ve grown so quickly!”

The young king slumped to the ground and bowed reverentially. “Madame de Duches au Austliere,” he said in a quiet and intensely frustrated voice. He let his fiery gaze fall upon the stones. “Yes, it has been so long. Yes, I can now talk.”

The Queen of the Confederacy fiddled with the hairpiece in her long white hair. She seemed baffled by these questions and rose slightly, propping her spare hand against the bed as she did so. “How did you know that I was going to ask that?” she said, eyes scanning the room as though she were both looking for nothing and everything – some distant bit of memory clawing at her, perhaps. Her eyes lit up with happiness and ounces of confusion as Uncles Franz and Emmerich squeezed in, one at a time, beside Wielde. “My loveliest brothers! Zin and Emmy, you’ve aged! I had though only I would grow old with….” The lady looked confused, now staring at everyone to carry the thought for her.

After a few seconds, Wielde grumbled out, “My father’s demise from the wrath of the Uncrowned Queen.”

His mother nodded in approval, a frightened expression turning into only complacency. “She is quite the smart one,” the lady remarked to her siblings. “And how is your daughter, Zin? How young is she? Still five?”

“Rose, what our brother—” began Emmerich upon seeing Franz frown and grit his teeth (though not as powerful as Wielde’s seething rage), but the other man held a hand in front of his face.

“Twenty. She’s twenty, Remdé.”

A store of tension exploded its way across the room, consuming everyone in a wave of panic and surprised, all emitted from the Queen. “I…,” she began, laying herself back down onto the bed. “H-h-h-ow have these years been passing? Is this but a prank?”

“If it is,” snapped Uncle Franz, “it has been going on for far too long. Do you think I am happy explaining to you every week why my daughter is six, seven, eight, nine--!” Emmerich clamped his hands down on Franz’s shoulders, and the two stared at each other angrily as they descended the staircase backwards with the pace of a snail, watched attentively by mother and son.

Wielde rose and grasped the bedframe, picking up his mother’s worn, wooden staff. The old lady stared at him with a mixture of panic and distrust on her face, shifting her gaze between him and the two men disappearing down the narrow steps. “You must keep your body intact, by healer or otherwise,” said the young king, restraining his frustration, while his mother edged towards the corner of the bed and reached with frail hands towards the outstretched staff. “We will walk.”

Right before she reached the staff, the lady hesitated. “Are you true when you say I am your mother?” she asked, eyebrow raised.

Part of his mind proposed the already-questionable theory of seeing if being as blunt and honest as possible would force her to change, would launch the both of them out of this evil that was slowly consuming his mother. He was angry – upset more at the specter of illness looming overhead than the poor, sad old woman whose only love was dead and was convinced she had given birth to a daughter. Or, that was all he could say to snap out of his spells of hatred and help her in any way he could, however futile. Also, as he thought, no matter what he did, she would continue to cast aside that narrative and expect a new one during the next visit. So it had been, and so it would always be.

Wielde sighed and pushed the staff into his mother’s hands. “Yes, you will always be my mother. Your brothers may have been pranksters as children, but they certainly have never lied, and they have not now. Have no worries about it; walk with me.”

By the end of a minute of silence, the young king was leading his mother, Remdé Wynsitar, gently down each of the long, blackened steps into a desolate kingdom, passing under the tapestry image of his father. One hand of the Queen’s held onto the staff as the other clutched the young king’s hand and, warily, they temporarily escaped the haunt, Wielde fearing the past and wondering of the future. He wondered if his mother felt the same.


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Sat Dec 30, 2017 12:00 am
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Ventomology wrote a review...



Eugh please no cousin marriages. That's a recipe for disease.

Technical Comments:

1. Uh, this one is just a suggestion and not really a you-did-a-thing-wrong kind of comment:

I know sometimes you put things in parentheses when you're describing stuff because it's a kind of contrast to the rest of the description and cleans up your comma usage, but I've always been under the impression that parentheses in fiction writing are kind of reserved for almost-unrelated side-notes and specific narrator styles.

Not that how you're using parentheses is wrong, but sometimes I get surprised when I see them in this story. Or it may just be conditioning from all those uppity physically-published fantasy writers.

2. I'm not sure what it is, but these sections with Wielde just have particularly smooth flow of action. Hopefully that sticks around, because it's a good landmark of your improvement, but I'll understand if maybe you just had some really good inspiration.

Plot, Characterization, and Misc. Items:

1. It's nice to get to know Wielde a little better. You did an excellent job with his back story and motivations in the last section, and I almost felt like you didn't need to keep going--his characterization was that strong--but here we are, and you did just as well continuing to flesh him out.

2. I admit to being somewhat confused by the start of the chapter, and even when I went back and read the last bit of 10.1 I was still a little confused. Something about that transition felt like I wasn't getting all the necessary information. But I am excited that the boy with the machine parts is going to be a bigger player!

Honestly? That's about it? I really have nothing but good things to say, and I liked seeing more of Wielde and Team C. I still can't quite piece together any possibilities for how all of the teams will interact, but that's probably where you want me to be.

Good job again! Until next time!
-Buggie




TheSilverFox says...


Every time I read the comment at the top I'm compelled to laugh evilly. :P

Yeah, parentheses are one way I try to dodge the endless wave of commas. You do make a good point, though, and I like to eschew parentheses in my writing. Something is either important enough or not, and parentheses are a bridge between the two that I'm not too interested in. Chances are I'll sweep away most of the parentheses in editing.

I'm happy you like everything! Wyandanch is one of the most vivid settings for me, so that could influence my writing style favorably. Still, I'd like to think my writing gets smoother with time, so you should hopefully see the flow maintain its steady course in later chapters. All in all, thanks for the review!



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Wed Dec 27, 2017 10:36 pm
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Mageheart wrote a review...



Hello, TheSilverFox! I hope my review can do your work justice.

Grammar and Syntax

The sentence variety is pretty strong in this chapter, and I didn't catch any major grammatical mistakes. I think this part is pretty good.

Characters

The last section of this chapter did go into some detail about Wielde, but this is the one that really defined his character. I'm impressed by the different aspects of his personality that you touched upon in this chapter. He has a pessimistic view of the future, and doubts his own abilities. The contrast between his cousin and him showed that. And he has to deal with the delusions of his aging mother; it adds another darker side to his life. Yet you also showed someone who was prepared to rule. He saw the problems in his country. He's only eighteen, so that awareness is especially impressive. Wielde strikes me as an introspective person, and I found his reflections on different aspects of his little journey to be very interesting.

One thing that took me by surprise was his mother's belief that she had a daughter. I'm not sure how many LGBT+ characters you have in this universe or if sexual orientation/gender identity would even come up a lot, but his mother's comment and his reaction strikes me as someone not accepting their child's gender identity. This is just a thought, but it would certainly be interesting to see a transgender character in a high fantasy novel - I rarely see them in any media, but LGBT+ characters are especially rare in the fantasy genre.

Plot

The plot of this chapter was admittedly slow, but I think it matches it well. This is the introductory chapter for Team C. You still need to build up more of their lives and their conflict, though you're already off to a good start. I'm curious to see how the mysterious soldier and his cousin are going to play into the plot; you've set it up so they could possibly have major roles.

I really enjoyed reading your work. While there may have been a few rough spots, it's overall a wonderful piece of writing. If you feel like some parts of my review need further explanation or just aren't good enough, please let me know. I'd gladly clear up anything about this review.

Keep up the great work (which I doubt you'll have trouble with) and good luck on your writing endeavors!




TheSilverFox says...


Yeah, from context, it definitely looks like Wielde could be trans, and that's something that I wouldn't mind writing about (also, there are a good number of LGBT characters in the story, though many of them show up later on). At the moment, though, the explanation is a bit sadder - Wielde's mother has severe anterograde amnesia and weak retrograde amnesia. Basically, she can't make new memories, and she's lost some of her old ones. I figure she doesn't remember much after the birth of her child, when there apparently was a false rumor swirling around that the child was a daughter. Why she has amnesia is another story that I might not discuss, but you can possibly guess at from the context. In any case, I'm happy to have captured Wielde's introspective personality, as well as set the stage for Team C to shine. It won't play as big a role as the other teams, but its members will pop up more often as the plot escalates. All in all, thanks for the review!

(Also, if you have any questions, feel free to ask me on discord - I probably won't answer the spoilery ones, but I can clear a lot of sources of confusion and explain some of the background).



Mageheart says...


I could see it going either way, so I thought I would mention it. It's great that you're including LGBT characters in your story, though! Like I said, they're far and few in the fantasy genre. I can't wait to meet them later on.




Education is education. We should learn everything and then choose which path to follow. Education is neither Eastern or Western; it is human.
— Malala