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Young Writers Society


16+ Language

Chapter 10.1 (For The Man Who Has Nothing)

by TheSilverFox


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

Author's Notes: 1,017 words.  Team C time came sooner than I was expecting.  Rule of thumb: Emmerich = cynical, Franz = idealistic, Wielde = resentful.

“It’s inspirational,” remarked Wielde, the King of Wyandanch, as he propped his elbows against the battlement and placed his chin down on the stone. “Except that I’ve seen barren plains a thousand times, and would rather that there be some houses or mountains or something more interesting.”

One of the two men on either side of him nodded in agreement. “Seres wants you to know what your kingdom looks like. Perhaps he hopes that it might be something more, or perhaps he fears it will be a battleground.” He scratched his white hair, a thick mustache covering part of his mouth. There were large bags under the man’s eyes, but he stood tall and straight, towering over the small boy.

“Is he hoping that I have an imagination? Has he not already seen me enough to know that’s true?” Wielde blew at an errant strand of hair as he sighed.

The other man, looking almost identical to the first save for having longer hair and lacking any mustache, turned and replied to his apparent sibling, “This is a city-state. I suspect that the daft fool only has our King look outward because the insides are too rotten.”

“The advisor wants a unified Confederacy, and so there’s no point in looking inside the city,” said the first man. “He wants our King to look and not see himself trapped, as there is no trap but that of the mind.”

“And how many of us have exited this city in the past few years? We are trapped, but the fool wants the King to ignore it. He wants our King to be as daft as the last ruler.”

“Uncle Franz!” shouted Wielde, whirling around and pointing to his mustached relative, and then to the other. “Uncle Emmerich! Must you always fight like this? We are damned without Seres, whether or not he is showing me the future, or hiding the truth, or both. And, considering how soon my visit to my mother is, I’d rather not hear about how stupid my father was. True as it might be.”

The uncles immediately silenced, looking stoic in their full suits of dragon-emblazoned armor. They placed on their helmets and stared down at their nephew, leaving Wielde to press himself against the battlement. Wielde had ditched his earlier fancy outfit to wrap himself in a blue cape, under which was a blue shirt marked with the emblem of stars shining above strange, hexagonal projections, with a curling dragon at the base. He walked across the imposing wall surrounding the city, followed by his uncles. The guards, dressed in baggy brown pants and metal plates with the same symbol, saluted and raised their spears when the threesome passed by slowly (as the young King’s strides were short).

“It would have been simpler,” said the King in exasperation, trying to climb up stairs while tripping over his robe, “If the lineage went solely through the House of Wyandanch, so it would be one of you or your sons who would have the crown on their head.”

“You do well, my King,” said Uncle Emmerich, voice muffled by his helmet. “You are part-Wyandanch, and have their brilliance, whereas your advisor is a servant of Exedor first.”

“How nice to be judged by birth,” remarked Wielde as the trio reached the top of the stairs. “Does it not prove my point if you say such, when you are both truly born into the House of Wyandanch?”

Uncle Emmerich thought for a few seconds before saying, “We have always been generals, and such is our favorite trade. Wyandanch is built on its traditions, and you are the only child of an eldest Wyandanch child of an eldest Wyandanch child, and so on. Why my sister married that Lecizstan-descended bastard – King or otherwise - is beyond me, but the result is you are the King, and I serve you. You are a masterful King; it is merely your advisor that leaves you to worry about your competence. The sooner he might be replaced with someone who trusts you, the better.”

The trio made their way towards a large set of stone archways towering far above them. A tower protruded above the wall to mark the place where another wall jutted straight into and through the city, splitting it into two sections. Wielde strode unconfidently into the utilitarian space. Various guards saluted, but the majority sat around glowing fires, holding their hands close to the scattered embers. Others pulled weapons and armor from an array of shelving in another corner and cleaned them. Stairs clung close to the walls as they rose around the interior of the building, disappearing as they snaked into the second floor. Cross-shaped windows lined the wall facing the outside world, and a soldier or two practiced their aim with the longbows in their hands.

A young soldier walked past them, holding up a heavy piece of metal (as could be told by the way he bended towards it to keep himself balanced). He’d apparently cut out a lot of pockets in his pants and stuffed them with wrenches and assorted tools. Nervous, he darted about wildly until he stopped the King, whereupon he shouted, jumped back, and dropped whatever it was he was carrying. It was apparently some kind of box, as a few errant metal spheres and rusted pieces of weaponry flew out.

Wielde sighed, stopped, and grabbed a few of the pieces. The soldier’s legs trembled as he attempted to bow to the King in reverence, but Wielde only responded by running (and tripping) towards whatever was sliding away, grabbing what he could, and placing it back in the box. Upon seeing this gesture of kindness, the soldier stopped quivering as intensely and looked up, nodding and appearing immensely relieved. “That man has more of a goal than I do,” explained Wielde to his generals as they walked away. “He, a nobody, has more he can and will do than I, a king, do.” The soldier picked up whatever else had escaped, closed the hatch on the box, and continued carrying it. 


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Wed Dec 27, 2017 6:45 am
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Ventomology wrote a review...



Ah, so this is Team C. Do they have a proper name like the Confederacy? Will they get one? They should, because it's easier to keep track of teams if they have names.

But I digress:

Technical Comments:

1. Just for clarity, because there's so much royalty floating around, it might help if you consistently call Wielde the 'young king,' a bit like how Catharnach is always the 'mad king.' Additionally, since you mention a number of times that Wielded is smaller and younger than his two companions, tacking a consistent 'young' onto his title may help develop a more solid image of his appearance and personality.

But mostly it'd just help with identifying all the kings.

2. You probably don't want to put clarifying details in your author's notes. I'd personally do away with author's notes completely, but I understand that you sometimes feel like giving yourself a cushion, especially since you wrote this several months ago and have improved since then. But seriously, let your writing speak for itself. There's no need to tell us which character is which; just trust yourself to get their nuances across.

Plot, Characterization, and Misc. Items:

1. It's nice to see a young protagonist who's actively at least trying to be on top of his role. Like yeah, Eremia just had her whole gonna-be-great episode, but she still hasn't struck me as the dutiful ruler-to-be. And while Wielde is angry about his role, he at least owns up to it. Probably out of all of the younger characters, I like and respect him the most, just because he's responsible.

2. Additionally, it's refreshing to have this established, trustworthy group right here. Up until now, all the teams have been trapped within their own problems, but as far as I can tell, Wielde's uncles truly care and look out for him, and it feels like a drink of cool water to see some functional relationships amidst all the mistrust elsewhere.

3. I am curious to see if the soldier with the box will lead anywhere, just because I feel like you could have picked something more mundane otherwise, and it'll be good to see the rot in Wydandach instead of just hearing about it.

4. Honestly, overall this is one of my favorite sections! I know I don't always do a good job telling you what you did well, but this particular chapter has contrast with the others in so many ways that I had to also take a moment to remind you that you're doing a really good job, and I can see the improvement in the writing from chapter 1 to now.

Don't stop improving!
-Buggie




TheSilverFox says...


Yeah, I haven't had much trust in past me (and sometimes I get the uncles confused). I'd still like to keep the author's notes, but I think I'll limit it to word count, questions, and maybe the occasional random observation, since it seems my writing can stand on its own (which is extremely refreshing).

I haven't thought about proper names, but I can say Team A is the Doves, Team B is the Alliance, and Team C is Wyandanch. And yeah, "the young king" seems fitting for Wielde. Another name might be his formal one - The Dragon King - but it's more ironic than anything else (as are most of Wyandanch's traditions). "The young king" could work best in differentiating him, because wow there are a lot of kings. Beyond that, yeah, Wielde's a nice kid with a supporting family. He has a few sources of conflict - his mother and Seres, namely - but he's trying hard to support a decaying throne. I suppose that's why I like to write for Team C, since it doesn't mirror either of the other teams. I should probably write for Team C more often. In any case, I like that you point out my foreshadowing, and that this part turned out well - thanks for the review!



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Tue Dec 19, 2017 11:32 am
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Mageheart wrote a review...



Hello, TheSilverFox! I hope my review can do your work justice.

Grammar and Syntax

I don't have any problems with your grammar and/or syntax, so I'll just move onto the other parts of the review.

Characters

I love Team C already! Wielde is definitely my favorite, but I also like Emmerich and Franz. You did a great job with showing how resentful Wielde is; it's easy to tell that he doesn't like the responsibilities of being king or talking about his father. I also enjoyed reading the part with the soldier. Besides showing how resentful he is about his responsibilities, I loved how you showed how kind he was.

How old are all of Team C, by the way?

Plot

Since they've only just been introduced, there's not much for me to talk about here. I can see possible conflicts regarding both the Wielde's father and his advisor, but I'm not sure which one you're going to develop as the main plot for this group.

I really enjoyed reading your work. While there may have been a few rough spots, it's overall a wonderful piece of writing. If you feel like some parts of my review need further explanation or just aren't good enough, please let me know. I'd gladly clear up anything about this review.

Keep up the great work (which I doubt you'll have trouble with) and good luck on your writing endeavors!




TheSilverFox says...


Hmmm, I usually don't have specific ages in mind for most characters. I know Wielde's almost 18, but that's for the sake of a pivotal plot point. Otherwise, Franz and Emmanuel (definitely twins) are in their 40s. Seres has a couple of kids, so he's presumably around the same age. I haven't really figured out the ages for the other members of Team C, major or otherwise. In any case, I'm happy that I showed Wielde's resentment, family issues, and conflicts (it probably isn't spoilers to say his dad's been dead for a long time, and the main conflict will be with his adviser). Thanks for the review!




Don't gobblefunk around with words.
— Roald Dahl