1.
once in a lake- splash!
a while later drifted up
one small, red, girl's shoe.
2.
north westerly blew
a thumb size mango to door;
early death in late summer.
/
beneath mango tree
early deaths in late April-
thumb size mangoes roll.
/
beneath mango tree
early death in late April-
thumb size mango rolls.
( need to know which number sounds better- plural or singular? I go with plural )
Hi TahaT11n, acm here for a short review! I know how hard making good haikus are, so I can understand what you were talking about in your summary. The thing to remember about haikus is that the first line has five syllables, the second has seven, and the third line had five again. That's just something you might want to look for when you're editing. Other than that, I thought you have great haikus. Keep working!
-acm
Hi there TahaT11n! Niteowl here to review these two haiku.
Actually, I think these are more properly senryu, because they don't have all the elements of a traditional haiku. I think most people who haven't studied it don't know the difference. I know I didn't until I read this article: How to (not) write a haiku.
On poem one: I like this one better. I think the imagery is tight and it does have the nature symbolism and separate ideas of a haiku. Just a couple things.
1) "once" is a weak starting word, but I'm not sure how to make it stronger. Maybe "heard from a lake-splash!" Or maybe you could describe the splash itself, for example "loud splash hits the lake".
2) The punctuation in the last line seems off to me. I would either go with no punctuation "one small red girl's shoe" or mess with the order a little "one girl's shoe--small, red."
On poem two: I'm not sure how to feel about this one. A thumb sized mango is really small--even with a forceful wind, I'm not sure that would cause death. Maybe you could remedy this by describing the movement of the mango, rather than the mango itself. Something like "mango crashes into door".
Also, the last line, in addition to being a little long for the standard haiku form, is kind of bland. Maybe you could replace the "early death" with a more concise verb, like "killing her in summer."
Overall, I like the first poem, but the second one could be clearer. Keep writing!
Hey there!!
The only thing you can do with these haikus is what Sarina said. Make sure they are in actual Haiku format. Honestly, I didn't notice until I read her review.
Haikus just need you to practice them a lot before you get really good. I think that you'd have better results if you used different vocabulary. Haikus for the Japanese are supposed to be elegant and stuff. So use more advanced vocab. For me the "splash" kind killed the vibe for a second there. So yeah that's it. You're getting good and I think you'll be great!
(editing Haikus must be a monster)
Ever
Hey TahaT11n! Just clearing the green room.
So I'll review these poems one by one.
1.
once in a lake- splash!
a while later drifted up
one small, red, girl's shoe.
This haiku is good. But a haiku is supposed to be 5,7,5. The second line is 8 syllables. Maybe you could do "sometime later drifted up." Just a suggestion.
2.
north westerly blew
a thumb size mango to door;
early death in late summer.
Same with this one--it's 5,7,7. I'm not sure what to change that to.
Both of these haiku's are awesome, and I like the little story behind them, but just make sure that it's 5,7,5.
Have a good day/night!
('while' is only one syllable)
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