My ( second) Haikus.

Hey Taha,

Maybe you can put a spoiler at the end with your questions? Since you numbered the haikus it would be easy to refer to each one. As a reader, we want to be able to enjoy your poem first as it is written without any outside opinion or distraction and when we find something enjoyable or interesting enough to capture our attention, that's when we might on our own, flip through to learn about the author.

It's like trying to read a book with a friend chatting up with you in your ear. Reading in a quiet space often takes us to places, and it does this because we re-live what the words are saying to the point the words are no longer words but places, experiences. We can't fully go to another place when we're distracted by the present place. That's why the parenthesis are so jarring, even though they were well intentioned.

That said!

Your haikus here are beautiful, they each explore a variety of topics and have this slice-of-life effect which is nice, simple, pretty. For improvements, I'd suggest being more precise with your word. In a space so small, precision is key and the most you could do with the least amount of words is what haikus are all about.

So as an example, in #1, your first line is "friendly kind" and both of these words mean the same thing. It's repetitive in a poem so small. The second line also seems overlong and can be said more precisely - it's almost like the line is being stretched to fit the 7 syllables. For example "flower we saw that day" can be "flowers seen" The words "that day" or even the "we" in the poem doesn't seem to add much to the meaning of the piece as a whole. I take the meaning of the first piece to be about how something that was once kind gets trampled or destroyed, or the kindness gets sucked dry out of a person. There are more precise and shorter ways of saying it.

By eliminating unnecessary words and practicing precision, it'll free up more space to give your poems more depth or color. I see the same problems with poems #2 A fire ravishes, a fire destroys but "broke out" is not only a wordier way of saying the same sentiment, but it's not as active or vivid either. The word "cherished" on the other hand IS very vivid. When something is cherished, it is important to someone, so it already implies "most". You don't need to have "most" there. It also creates an awkward construction that can be simplified:
"my most cherished poetry book burned"

3. This one actually uses the words well. It paints a picture and a story and you have a vivid image with the hot meal and the "entreats" that is wonderful. I may say that instead of "child" which is very formal, make it more -homey- to fit with the theme. So, you can say baby or even boy or girl. ?

4. This one confused me because is the husband supposed to be staring at the broom holder? It seems like there's a missing preposition here.

5 and 6 seem a bit forced? A lot of awkward constructions in 5, we don't get the noun of the sentence until the last line which was oddly stretched so it seemed anticlimatic. In 6, there just seems like a lot of uneccessary words. If we're talking about a leaf, then we already know that it is small and green.

8 I actually like this one. There's a simple image and action and nature feel. Good job.

9. Love the word bohemian, and I agree with your assessment. Remainings is too vague and general, give us more specifics.

I hope this helps. Keep them coming!

~ as always, Audy

Darn it! (Hey, this is some unnecessary caption of this verse or what I think your opinion is or how this poem is strange in some way but never mind this is pointless but it's just here to distract you, to sever your train of thought when reading my poems) Get me? It would have been a nice, flowing read without those ()()()()()'s!

I personally do not understand Haikus much. Some Japanese thing. Something to do with the weird style of the poems? I find it still quite engaging, though, it's as though the words flow without any restrictions or distractions from grammar, rhymes or anything. But please, stop the ()'s!

Hello, its me!

I really enjoyed reading these. My favorite one was number 9.

Though you shouldn't call theses all haiku because even though you mention in parentheses. The first one is most closely related to a lune. You could also say that it was a collection of different types of poems. The only reason I mention this is because I reviewed it thinking they were all haiku's of 5-7-5 and other ones. Then I read over it again and read the parentheses and had to delete it all. If this made you upset you can PM.

This is a good syllable counter website if you need it.

http://www.howmanysyllables.com/

Overall, I loved reading this they were really good with each one you kept it consistent. Each one was amazing. I hope you continue writing poetry because from these I can tell you are a great writer/poet.

- EmilyStarks

Hi!

All of these Haikus are so lovely! Your words and imagery are fantastic in each one. I'll cover each Haiku by listing them by number.

2. Burned is one syllable, I believe.

4. This Haiku is one of my favorites, it's so well-crafted and beautifully written. The imagery is incredible, and it flows perfectly. I believe dimmed is also one syllable.

10. I like "my remainings"! Either way, I do love this poem as well, and it almost has a nostalgic feel to it for me.

Your Haikus are outstanding overall! I love your use of language to create meaningful poems in such a small given syllable limit. Let me know if you write more, I'd love to read them!

Nice!! But, teach me to write haikus!!!! ;---;

Sorry for the weird gaping...I had to type tooo fast.