old pages-
samurai's black kimono
fading to grey.
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Canary word: Present
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,738 Reviews
This is a neat and tidy little poem that I'm quite glad as a reader to know the context for.
This poem, I feel, is quiet. There are no strong action verbs - indeed, almost no verbs at all, save for the muted 'fading', which isn't even complete in its action.
One of the first things I notice about the poem is the use of color. Old pages have the automatic association of wrinkled, stained parchment, tea-faded brown and yellow. The second line next pulls up the black of the samurai's kimono, both a reference to the kimono itself and the ink the kimono is drawn in. The gray points back to both the faded parchment and the black of the kimono-ink.
I like the understated effect the lowercase has. It works with the quiet nature of the haiku.
Finally, in a meta way, I like that you chose to use the haiku format to tell your story about the painting of a samurai.
is it a bad/ weak point of my haiku that it doesn't have any action verb?
Nope. It wouldn't work for your poem to have one here, I think!
then it's a relief
Hey buddy! It's good to see you're still playing with this short form of poetry - I think you're good at it!
What I might suggest for this one is adding Like to the start of the first line to tie it to the next a little more seamlessly. At the moment the brain has to do a bit of jumping to realise what the link is because usually when you describe something as being like something else, you have the real focus first and then the metaphor second. You've flipped it around and I think it sounds cool that way but having the 'Like' at the start will just soften the transition a little.
Other than that, I really like it! I think it has a nice, quiet symbolism and there's a great sense of peace to it - good job!
See you around
~Heather
hey, buddy! after quite a long time! how are you?
and thanks for the review.
the thing is, i don't want to mean that the samurai's kimono is faded like an old page. i want to mean that, on an old page, a samurai's kimono is fading. that's why there's no "Like" at the beginning.
I'm well thank you, and I hope you are too?
Ah, so like a drawing of the kimono rather than an actual kimono? Maybe the first line should be 'On an old page' instead or 'Old page;/ samurai's black kimono/ fading to grey.'
yeah, right. a drawing. it's acually my new av which has a samurai in black on old page.
you are right about using "On". but i don't really wanna use it.. i will give it another thought and see which one feels better to me.
anyways, thanks a lot for the suggestion.
Hey,
So there is not much to write here review wise because there is not much here but that is the purpose of this isn't. Haikus are meant to be short, sweet, and simple. That is exactly what this is so great job there. I am going to be honest with you. I am terrible with these poems. I can never get the deeper meaning r even if there is one so I can't give you much feed back but I can say I liked this. (which is uncommon I don't usually like poems) It painted a picture in my head of a cool little scene so very nice. yeah that's all I got for you. I did my best. Keep trucking on my friend.
-Zee
what a coincidence!! i was about to knock you in the chat..but i didn't. but i did go to your wall and started following you.
is your av from Fullmetal Alchemist??
well, for my poem , just look carefully at my av and you will know what this is about.
also, thank you so much for liking my poem.
Hey yeah it is from Fullmetal Alchemist but it's a gender swap of Roy and Riza. It's pretty cute. No problem for all this and you can message me whenever I pretty much have no life so.
nah, you do have a life. you just don't know it yet.