Cuz...'not you' ( Experimental poetry 1.1)

Hey there Taha! You've asked me to review this, so I thought it was only fair that I did. Overall, this is an interesting poem--I can't say the style is exceptional, as poets have been known to take things from their everyday activities and turn it into art. But I will say that it is emotionally packed, despite some mistakes here and there, and I thought it was overall heartfelt. But enough with my rambling. Let's go to the highlights.

-"Dews drop from katsura leaves
on my chicks" Okay, I might've missed something, but I don't understand where the chicks came from. It's one thing if it turned out you were in a farm and carrying chicks in your arms, but then you mention concrete, which suggests you're in the city, so--uh--well, the imagery is really weird here. I suggest, if you really did intend this line to mention 'chicks', I think you should mention it a bit more often so that the readers can visualize it in their head.

-"regular world's mere exception- land is white;
only life here is frozen," I think it would be worth adding 'the' behind 'land' and 'only. 'Land is white' sounds weird, but 'the land is white' sounds a little better. Same goes for 'the only life here is frozen'.

-"Dews drop from katsura leaves
on concrete
and burst to tinier bits;" into tinier bits? I don't know, I think into tinier bits sounds better than to tinier bits. Really weird nitpick, but I was feeling like pointing that out.

-"some sleep on root,some rest on thumping boots." Roots, not root. Unless you meant it to be singular--then you say 'the root'. However, I think the plural would rhyme with boots better.

-"in early morning , their winter's shadows darkened with regular worries." I'm somewhat confused as to what your intention of 'their winter's shadows' is. I think what you meant was 'their winter shadows', but what you ended up with was 'their winter is shadows', which can also make sense, but in this context doesn't.

-"Only life here suffocates," Again, 'the only life' would sound better in my opinion.

-"Do you know just how it feels
when I realize that you won't be mine?" Okay, this is weird. Where did you come from, Obligatory And Vaguely Important You Character? Not to say that it's a bad thing that this you character appeared--it's just incredibly abrupt, and there was little to accompany it a few minutes ago. You could probably introduce them a little slower.

Overall, though, this wasn't a bad poem. It had some nice themes going for it, and in general I did like how you used everyday things to make your point. I still think it lacked a certain power to it, though, a distinctive voice that usually makes a poem emotional to anybody involved. It just felt like it was...there, like it was lost and was searching for a purpose. But it was a nice poem, really, it was. I just thought it could've used a bit more strength to it.

Signing out,

--EM.

Hello! I'm really sorry for taking so long to write this review! >.< I was busy with school.

Anyway, I'm here to review it now!

We can all have our own styles of writing. And experimenting with new styles and ways to write is really fun. I really admire the people who try doing so, because most people such as myself fear to try out new writing styles because we're not sure about how other people might react to such creations. So first of all, I must say, 'Good job TahaT11n, I really like this new style of poetry!!

I like the poem because it's written in a simple way but has many meanings! I mean when I read it for the first time I thought it was about people with cold hearts who move on and leave their friends behind without even caring to say 'goodbye'
Then I thought that it was about a person who's confused with selfish and dull people who live in the world which is filled with sadness and pain.
And then I thought that it was written about a person who's lamenting about a person who won't be his/hers.

So, what I want to say is, your poems is amazing and I really like it. It may be a little confusing at first because it's written with a new style. But I love it! (And the title's pretty good too!)
Poems convey a lot of meanings and thoughts and emotion. Your poem brought out all of them in a perfect way!

I really like this experiment with new styles of writing poetry.
Keep up the amazing work and never stop writing.
Have a good day!
writerkitty

I like the way you start your story off because it has a lot of good things and a lot of bad things

to go on with the poem but right now I would like to say that you could be a better reader if

you tried hard enough,and right now after reading your poem I like the way you have things

put in the way you write.

One of the things I would like to say to you is that I like the way you put everything together

but I think you could have more and more of that if you wanted to and right now I see that you

have 3 stars which is good because the more stars you have the better of a writer you will

become.

1.I like the way in the beginning of the story that you put () and other words inside this so

people would understand more.

2.Also I like the way you set your poem up because for me I am not a good writer and now

that I see you and the way you write I would like to say thank you for all the thing you have

tough me and when I say that I mean after I read you poem I understood how to set up a

poem,and to that I say thank you.

3.To me the biggest part of the story is when you said

" Dews drop from katsura leaves
on concrete
and burst to tinier bits;
some sleep on root,some rest on thumping boots.
Moving faces- all ignorant strangers, even those with familiar names;
in early morning , their winter's shadows darkened with regular worries.
Only life here suffocates,
from a separate pain."

and that to me is important because it shows that people need to be more focused on

familiar things more than other things going on around them.

4.One of the things I would like to say is that you are a good writer but the more you write

the better of a reader and writer you will become.

5.One last thing before I go if you are planing on writing another poem based on this please

tell me because I like the way you write and I think you are the only person that I

understand what the writer is saying,keep writing and get those stars up and remember you

need to tell me if you write another poem.

Hello Taha !
Frankly saying . I'm feeling very umm what to say. I am confused actually. I don't understand what you have penned. Its a different level of carving thoughts and feeling. Only lines which I understood well are..
"Do you know just how it feels
When I realize you won't be mine."
Please describe it . Blessings!

For a reason or other, I never understand your poetry! So high standard!