Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.
It's been too long, since I was born
It's been too short, since I was born
It will be too long until my life stops
It will be too short until my life stops
Time, time, locked in a the watch
( moving and moving without pause)
Time, time is not locked in my watch
( moving and moving even if hands stop)
Time, time is too fast that I can't race
Yet, time, u don't seem to regret.
Yesterday was a time, when I played
Today brings me to, memorize them
Yesterday was a time, when I planned
Today brings me to perform them
The difference is not too long
Yet the difference is too long
Oh, time , you are a riddle that I can't solve
Time, time, locked in the watch
( moving and moving without a pause)
Time,time is not locked in my watch
( moving and moving even if hands stop)
Time, time is too fast that I can't race
Yet, time , you don't seem to regret
Today's a time , when I love and rhyme
Tomorrow's a time, when I will cry and rhyme
Today's the time, when I live and laugh and survive
Tomorrow's the time, when I'll have to say goodbye
The difference is too short
Yet the difference is not too short
Oh, time, you are a riddle I can never solve
Time, time ,locked in the watch
(moving and moving without any pause)
Time, time is not locked in my watch
( moving and moving even if hands stop)
Time, time is too fast that I fail to race
Yet time, you never regret
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140,623 Literary Works • 673,564 Reviews
Hi! Hermione here for a quick review!
I, like mialynire, think this will make a neat song. I especially liked your chorus. It was catchy, and it had a great message. I didn't quite understand these two lines though:
I'm also not sure why you put a comma after 'to'. I'm not sure if this would mess up the rhythm of your song, but the lines that say "The difference is too short yet the difference is not too short" sounded a little wordy to me. Maybe instead of "not too short" you could say "too long". Then again, I'd have to hear the music behind your song to know whether or not it sounds funny.
Overall, I really liked these lyrics and how you portrayed time. Good job, and keep writing!
The too short and not too short part has an explanation. You see, when we look at past, we feel that time flew away very fast-"too short". But when we passed the gone moments we didn't feel it. It now seems to us fast but it isn't really fast-"not too short".
"Yesterday was a time when I played...." is supposed to say of our childhood. We were in our childhood yesterday and today we remember those days.
Hey! That should make a good song!
Great job!
oh, thanks a lot for reading such a bad formatted lyric. I am grateful to you
You're grateful, eh? >_>
Take this-
senpai!!! what did I do wrong?? I already have got a bad cold and now the punchings...
Hello!
Stegosaurus here for a review!
This is a lovely poem and I did enjoy the thought/meaning behind this (and how it could relate to most people). However, as from what Meandbooks said your spacing seems a bit off. From what I have learned on here is to press enter and shift at the same time to make it seem easier to read and to get your point thoroughly across.
Also another thing I like to point out a thing I like is rhyming pattern as it seems to give off a tone/diction of how this seemed to come from the heart about- almost- like a clock or something.
However, there are some things I would change:
Even though most poems use repetition to how emotion and feeling, you use it much to often in the beginning. They seem to be repeated again when you could have easier put it together into one stanza- this site explains it more: Repetition in Poetry.
I feel like also the stanzas in the parenthesis seems forced and doesn't make sense to this poem as a whole. What I suggest- if you wish to keep it as itself- would be italicize the words to make a thought of the narrator/poet when the reader reads it.
This stanza seems jumbled together. As for the whole poem, try re-reading this aloud to make more of sense to yourself and the reader. What I suggest here is this:
Today's a time, where I love and rhyme,
Tomorrow's a time, where I cry
Today's the time, where I live and survive,
Tomorrow's the time, where I'll have to say goodbye or something similar- you are the writer, do whatever you must to correct this poem.
Overall, lovely poem and a great message. Like most lyrics, they need to be edited to make perfect sense. I hope to read more of your work!
If you want me to go over anything, let me know!
Steggy
Hey there! I'm here for a quick review. Overall, I like the idea you have. There are just a few issues that, when fixed, could make these lyrics great.
Formatting
Please, please organize this into stanzas. It will look a lot better and be easier to read. It will also be easier to follow the progression of ideas. In case you don't know how to make that work on here, here's the trick: press "enter" to form a new stanza, and "shift+enter" to form a new line. Right now, YWS thinks each new line you have right now is a new stanza. I know the trick is a bit counter-intuitive, but that's how it works on here.
Typos
You have a lot of weird spaces in between parentheses, commas, and words. Watch out for those, as they really make your poem hard to read. It shouldn't take more than a quick read-though to fix them.
Repetition
Now, I usually don't mind too much if there's repetition in lyrics, since songs really are repetitious. But this is just a little too much. A lot of the phrases are repeated word-for-word, but not because they're part of a chorus, and overall all your lines are really similar to one another. On the plus side, it makes it flow well, but on the downside you end up repeating yourself a lot. Try to take out any unnecessary words or lines that just repeat what you already said. Also, when you do the "time is/time is not" mirroring thing, try to reword it in new ways so it isn't so repetitive either.
And that's all I've got for you! I hope this review was helpful. Good luck with your writing!
Thanks a lot for the review... I am new here and so I didn't know how to format stanzas... so, special thanks for that one.