hello, readers. i know i am not that good at writing haikus..still, i have got gutts. i am trying to write a haiku for a contest. it doesn't require the traditional style of haiku, in other words, the haiku doesn't have to have 5-7-5 syllable count. the theme of the contest is - "celebration inspired by cherry blossom". I have come up with a haiku, the story mainly. but i am having trouble with how to write it. i wrote several ones. i would like you to pick up the haiku that you think sounds the best ( and has the potential to get a prize! ) also, please tell me if you think the haiku portrays the theme or not.
here's the haiku -
under the cherries' bloom
a teenage boy smiles
throwing the noose away
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Hey Taha, nice stuff here! I'm super tired here on my side of the planet, as it's kinda late, and I can't really string too many coherent thoughts together right now, so I'll just put down a load of my opinions down. Tell me if you want or need more info, ok? And don't feel that you're bothering me or anyone else by asking for our opinions. We here all WANT to help (really, why would we join this site and not somewhere geared more to only putting the stories out there if we didn't want to give our opinions and provide aid)?
Ok, now onto more real stuff. I think I like the "sings +teenage" version best. I like it because it is very descriptive, and I prefer it over smiles because singing seems more triumphant. Kind of like telling the world something like " Hey! World! Nice try, but I am still alive here! Booyah, in your face!" or singing your happiness out to the world because life threw you a really tough punch, and you still managed to shake it off, and keep moving on with a smile on your face. The "smile" one seems more peaceful, like something happened, and they went through a lot of inner turmoil over whether or not to use the noose, but they eventually came to a decision and are at peace with it. Or at least, these things are how I see it.
Hello everyone! LadyRanicorn here for another amazing review!
Good job Taha, for being brave and writing a haiku when you know you're no good at it! Let's see, hmm, well I have to go with Gravity on this one. The haiku's you were suggesting does indeed have a kind of somber mood about it, you just need to unlock that and fully embrace it. For me, that's the only thing missing in these haiku. They're sort of in the middle of somber and not being somber enough for it to actually be any good. Maybe you could add cries instead of smile or sings to try and embrace the mood. If this WASN'T your intent, to make the mood the way I see it, then just ignore the above sentences.
This is the little section for if the mood was supposed to be happy. If this is the case, you REALLY need to get rid of the last sentence in all of the haiku you have listed here, it just wouldn't go with the intended mood. If it doesn't have to follow that pattern then I would suggest you replace that line with "Watching swirling sakura." Sakura means Cherry Blossom in Japanese so that's how it would fit. Since the cherry blossom festival originated in Japan then wouldn't it be neat to have an obvious reference to Japan? I'm sorry if it seems as if I'm trying to take over your haiku, I'm just trying to share my thoughts.
Good luck with the contest Taha! I hope you win, just remember to try and stay true to the intended mood, and your haiku would sound a LOT better. Until next time, LadyRanicorn out!!
well, thanks for the help.. it's just i want the haiku to be this way. i mean, i wanna show that cherry blossom inspired a boy to re-live his life and celebrate it..
i am done
Spoiler
WHAT?!?!
Heya, Gravity here for a review!
) is that they can be very powerful, so you need to maximize every word possible in order to really emphasize your meaning. I love what you did with this, I think it's very unique and I love the idea.
So, the thing about Haiku (yes, there is no s in the plural form, those tricky Japanese
My suggestion to you is to use more powerful words. I really like this shorter one because I feel like you can add on to it more or even minimize it for greater impact.
Okay, so having the apostrophe next to cherries makes it sound possessive, which it is. But I think you should change it so it's not possessive, to "cherries bloom". When you read it out loud at sounds nicer, and the parallel structure of it just sort of works better because you are putting the cherries blooming side by side with the boy throwing the noose away. Almost as if this boy is the blooming cherries. He is blooming, he is taking his Spring to become a new person and take a new path, to finally blossom the way he's supposed to. Shockingly, this little apostrophe makes that much more difference.
I don't think sing or smile are necessarily the right words for this poem. To me, (this is just my interpretation), I feel like this poem has a more somber feel to it, with some hope. Using words like sing or smile makes the mood of the poem happy when we're supposed to recognize the boy's sadness. Maybe you could say something like "inhales" or "gasps", something of the like.
Another way to do it is write it like this
"cherries bloom
a boy faces the noose
throwing it away"
That's 18 syllables, but you could morph that and try to change it into your own thing.
One other option I just thought of, adding a word after "smiles" to make the mood more somber.
"cherries bloom
a boy smiles wistfully
throwing the noose away"
or
"cherries bloom
a boy smiles hopefully
throwing the noose away"
One last option (sorry, I must be confusing you to death) is to not even say "a boy". To just say "he" and imply there's a boy.
"cherries bloom
he smiles wistfully
throwing the noose away"
or with my earlier idea that would've had too many syllables
"cherries bloom
he faces the noose
throwing it away"
or "cherries bloom
he faces the noose
but throws it away"
Sorry, I've given far too many options, but I really wanted to show you all the things you could do with this. I love the idea, using a noose. Very creative
XOXO,
Gravity