I had two dolls to play with:
One had a burnt upper lip,
it licked a lit candle.
The other had a burn on right leg,
it tried to walk on lit carpet.
I didn't try to save them....
The two dolls I had to play with-
they were riding on a boat once
in the great lake by the farm house.
A wind blew- the boat turned down;
a farmer rescued them.
I wish he didn't...
I never tried to help them...
Those two dolls-
I tried to stab into their heartless chests.
Nothing happened except for that noise
that relieving noise~
I took them and buried under a tree
which was cut the next month
and a tall mall stands there now
the grave of the two dolls.
I buried the dolls...
what's the point of toys
if the days, for toys to live,
are ruined?
My childhood...
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139,316 Literary Works • 672,529 Reviews
Hey taha
I am here to give you a review.
So first off I would love to say that I really liked this poem. It was well written and the point was clearly brought out. I love how you repeated the fact that you never saved the dolls, it really showed that everything that was done to the dolls was done by a conscious decision and that that the persona was confused about why she felt no remorse for them.
Another thing I noticed is that you incorporated the 4 elements; fire, earth, air, water. I interpret that as showing that there was something that was going on through the persona's mind that was a constant in her life and that is was something fundamental and basic.
I didn't find any mistakes but I really loved it.
Keep writing!
~RS
Hello!
A good poem but not a very good one. I like the concept that you put forward in the last stanza.
"I buried the dolls...
what's the point of toys
if the days, for toys to live,
are ruined?
My childhood..."
That toys are of no use if your surroundings are not positive and happy. But you could have made your poem a lot better. You still can.
1)Try to inculcate at least some sort of rhyme scheme. It helps in the flow of the poem.
2) Use periods wherever they are needed, again to make easy for the reader to get with the flow.
Basically, i like the concept but your poem lacks the main element of a poem, that is flow, the rhythm.
keep writing..because that's how you improve..and these were just my suggestions so you can take them lightly.
hey, I love the first line of your review- "A good poem but not very good one."
I get your point. I agree. And thanks for those very useful suggestions.
I am actually trying to write weird poems which don't really follow the rules of poetry. XD I don't know how i am even supposed to do that. But when I write, I don't care about "how it always is" or "how it should be", I just only write the way I feel to write. But, it's also important to keep track of the thing, or, it can't be called poetry. So, I will try to improve.
Thanks again.
I am here to review your work today.
I see you didn't like the dolls you had as a child and I am guessing you had a rough childhood. I liked how you started the poem out with 'I had two dolls to play with', it draws you in. The more I read your poem the more I began to understand that you didn't want the dolls you had. I have questions on why you burned your dolls and why you stabbed them but that's for you to know. The ending is a very nice ending cause the dolls got a proper burial that they needed.
Thank you for letting me review you work.
Nah, dude. Thanks to you for reviewing my poem.