E - Everyone

A Haiku in dream

I know you have written - poetry or story or novel. And whatever you have written, it was written in real life and, at the time of your writing, you were awake. But, have you ever written in your dreams while sleeping?
I have. I have dreamed several times that I am writing lyrics. It's not really that unusual. But, most of the times, I remember what I was writing about. I can't remember the exact words, I just get the theme or the story I was writing about in my dream. And then when I wake up, I write down the lyric.
The same thing happened again today. I had to go to my friend's and we had a lot of fun there. On my way back, I was working on a lyric. After coming home, I just jumped on my bed...and closed my eyes. It's interesting how we get to see so many things when we close our eyes..
I suddenly saw that I was in my friend's house and I was writing a haiku. When I woke up, I could remember the theme and so  I wrote down the haiku. Here it is-


same sexy, same dress-
now wearing as
my friend's wife. 





I hope my friend won't try to steal my gf XD

Comments & reviews · 3
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User avatar
PusheenTheCat
Review

One of the things that I like about this is that you have a interesting way of

interning a way of

writing and I like it. Also to me I think this is one of those story's that I think

you just made up

and just wrote it on the computer and I love that way.

Also I like the way you wrote it because I think you just wrote down something

and put it on paper.

Also before I go please don't do that again because it is a very wired way of

doing it.

FROM,
THECATSLOVER12345

User avatar
Aley
Review
Aley wrote a review · Sun Apr 03, 2016 1:42 am

Hey TahaT11n!

I'm sorry to announce this actually isn't a haiku, and the syllables are actually wrong.
The first line has the appropriate 5, but the next line only has 4, when it's supposed to have 7, and the last line only has 3 when it should have 5. Typically speaking though, syllables are less important than the image and the in the moment of a haiku. There has to be something about nature for it to be a haiku, you don't have that. Also, you need to have it just about one moment in time, which you sort of have here. Last, it needs a turn, or a change in perspective. Something that is contradictory that is going to give us food for thought, which this doesn't really have. This is more of a narrative.

That aside, let me talk about this as a free verse poem because I feel like it's got more qualities in common with that then a haiku at this point!

Overall, I like that you're allowing your style to lack capitalization and despite having punctuation, you're not being super strict with it. I'm really happy to see that. The story you're sharing here is interesting, but a little confusing because I'm not exactly sure who is who. Is our speaker suddenly dating their friend? That's what it seems like in the poem, like they started out trying to entice their friend into a relationship in a dress, and finally it worked and they're married now. I also feel like just having "same sexy" is a little short because there's a question there that needs to be asked, what is sexy?

If you work this information into the poem, I think you could make it a senryu like you want.

User avatar
niteowl
Review
niteowl wrote a review · Tue Mar 22, 2016 1:40 am

Hi there TahaT11n! Niteowl here to leave a quick review.

First off, I feel like I have to say, this isn't a haiku or even a senryu. A haiku has a 5/7/5 syllable patterns and certain elements (see this article for details: How to (not) write a haiku), while a senryu keeps that syllable form but has less limits in term of subject matter. Either way, this is a short poem that doesn't follow that pattern, though you could add a few words to make it so.

That said, I think this is a short piece that packs a punch. You have the core elements of a story here...the object of affection, the speaker whose love goes unrequited, the image of a sexy dress (though you could provide more details about the dress). Though you could expand on it in a non-haiku form, it's interesting as is.

Overall, this is interesting, especially considering that you wrote it in a dream. I had a dream last week where I wrote an entire song but I couldn't remember any of it by the time I woke up. :( Anyway, keep writing! :D

Thanks for the review. :D
You have pointed out a good thing. The syllable..well, i read many haiku and found out that it's not really a "must" to use that count. Even many great poets don't follow this rule..(of course, I don't think it's something like a poet "not good" like me MUST follow it) and I also read that the counting has to do with Japanese language. Syllable in Japanese and syllable in English aren't the same.
Most importantly, I just don't like to follow rules..But, thanks for the reminder. XD
Anyway,I think, I will re-write the piece as a short story..it will be better then.

Thanks for replying. I think my main issue is with the awkwardness of the second line, whether you follow the rules or not. And by "story", I meant more like a narrative poem, though you could certainly make a story if you wanted to.



Education is education. We should learn everything and then choose which path to follow. Education is neither Eastern or Western; it is human.
— Malala