Young Writers Society

it really good and destinations

I agree with Hannah.

Okay, so on with the review.

I feel like this is too long of a moment. A Haiku should really be more like a picture, just a second in time, just a single second that embodies the nature it speaks about, and I feel like this actually moves beyond that second. Not only that, but you're working with a weird type of turn. Rather than talking about nature, you're making nature talk about someone. In either version of your poem, the turn "his resemblance" really doesn't draw on nature, so much as imply nature draws on whomever this him is. Not only that, but this is from a human perspective "a startling caress" of whom? Who is caressed? It's our speaker, so our speaker feels a caress, of what? the wind, and the wind reminds the speaker of who? Whomever this 'him' is. So we really have a path of thought that we can follow here very clearly. There's no break, no comparison.

One of the things that Haiku need is that stark comparison. Look at this:

"Over-ripe sushi,
The Master
Is full of regret."

This is a haiku written by Yosa Buson, and when you pull up famous haiku, this comes up, so what's different? Well, in this we're taking an amusing moment and giving a smell, then talking about about two things that really sort of contradict, the master and regret. The turn is actually the second half of the poem, they don't match with the first line. This matters a lot because we don't have that same flow, though it is similar. Look at the differences between tone here. The first line in Buson's poem is completely detached from the second and third lines in general. The second and third can stand alone, and so can the first, but together, they create a sense of what's happening. What the reality is of this meaning.

So, all in all, I don't want to say this is bad or good. I want to say that this is different than what I would expect from a haiku because it doesn't have that duality of force that I would expect. That doesn't make it "not a haiku" it is a Haiku, but it's different.

Reviewing haiku are hard. It's like trying to review the moon just from a picture. So here's what I'm going to do. This poem makes me think about who is "him" and I come up with a couple ideas, god, a lover, or someone who's been lost to time, such as a dead friend. Whomever this "him" is, they seem to be sending love through the wind, which gives me a very good understanding of how this person feels just using the second two lines, however, I don't know if "startling" is the right word for the first. Introduce this person better by indicating what type of person it is, indicate who this him is by the type of reaction this person should have from being touched by him again, whether that's happy, sad, scared, or overjoyed, even loving. If you're going to change something, change the first line, make it something that can become a full stop, but don't make it a full stop. Then, take out "then" because this is haiku, and you don't need transitions from one to another, you just move forward. "then" is an indication of time, and honestly, indicating time is not really that good of a thing to do with haiku, so avoid it. Use something else, clear up this second line but I'd keep Hannah's suggestion in mind, you don't need "the" you need to play with "slips away" and somehow expand that instead.

From there, re-read it and see what you think. That's my suggestion so that you have a better agreement for whatever this reaction is supposed to indicate directly. I mean, if she can recognize his resemblance in wind, then he must be special to her, so she's probably not going to be startled? or is that really what you want to say? That whomever he is, startles her when she sees him again? IS THIS A GHOST POEM =O if it is, you're going to have to make it scarier.

Dude, I'm out. If you have questions you know where I hang.

hey TahaT11n,

Are you considering making this a haiku? Why 8 syllables for the second line?

If it's a haiku, typically, the first line and third line are 5 syllables and the second line is 7 syllables.

This poem does have us in three different places in each separate line and that is brilliant! You give us a complete, powerful reminiscence in three short lines!

I really love your poem. Thank you for sharing!

my wittle rating: 4/5

I don't quite understand why you are considering making the second line have 8 syllables. What does the word "the" add to the poem that you think is currently missing? In fact, I think adding "the" makes me more confused about the meaning of that second line. I thought that the autumn wind is his resemblance, but if you aren't punctuating it that way in your second version, it looks like the caress is acting on the autumn wind -- then is the caress his resemblance?

Anyway, looking at the first version, I think you have something very solid, because we are in two moments of reality at once (the autumn wind, but also an imagined caress), and feeling that sensory image while also interpreting the emotional meaning behind this wind being his resemblance. We feel that joy, then disappointment, which means we've gone on an emotional ride in the space of three lines, and that's hard to do.

I hope this review is of some help to you! Let me know if you have any questions or comments through a reply or a message.

Good luck!

Hannah