Young Writers Society

Hi,

Taha... This is your first haiku poem that I just read.

Spoiler! :

Anyway, I'm happy seeing you writing haiku...

I love this poem, and the meaning that I see behind it. One of my favorite things about writing is that there are many ways for people interpret a piece, even if it wasn't how the author saw it. I'm not sure if the way I viewed this was the way you wanted people to see it, but I still found it nice either way.
For starters, I liked how you didn't capitalize the first word, or use any punctuation aside from the period at the end. For me, it gives the effect that the cicada is so drained from crying, it is almost too tired for proper punctuation. Except for the period at the end, which to me is a sign that his day is coming to an end.
The cicada in general was also a great noun to use in this poem, since it is a bug with transparent wings, which people can see through, like a person who is seen through.
All in all, I thought your poem was really great, and I enjoyed reading it.

Ah, another haiku, courtesy of Taha. Don't mind if I do; you write a mean haiku.
This poem is, more than anything, sad.
Cicadas can be said to 'cry', but the word's double meaning paints it tragic from the first word. 'all day long', as it never stops. Interestingly, we get the action before the noun - as an analysis, that makes the action (and the emotions) more important than the one that is doing it.
'sleep' isn't even an end to sad, just a respite, and sometimes even a metaphor for death.
on top of that, 'eventually' pushes the temporary end of the cicada's cry far away, almost out of reach.
Cicadas are not creatures typically associated with sadness, so it would take a saddened ear to hear the nonstop noise of the bugs as hopeless as it is.
Slip in a comma after the first line, perhaps - read it out loud; one is supposed to pause there.
All in all, this reads like a tragic, mournful statement less on the nature of the cicada than on the author's feelings about the world.

Is it just me or did I unwittingly spawn a new wave of flash fiction writers? I'm glad that you decided to try out flash fiction as your first short story in prose. However, there are many seams in this one, and I'm going to gladly rip them apart for you

There are no brakes on the Roast Train.

For your first short story, it's actually quite alright, but not as a flashfic. It feels more like a chapter from a larger story or a novel in terms of writing style. Or even worse, it looks like an entry from a giddy Dan and Phil fangirl (hue).

First paragraph in, and I'm feeling drawn in. This one-sentence paragraph of yours is a good way to start a flash fiction. It gives the readers information to start with, but not too much that we don't lose interest. Thus, we want to find out more. You've taken this from YA novels, haven't you?

Now, the second paragraph is where everything starts to get rocky. For example, you wouldn't need to drop that "as usual" when the rest of the story says it is a habit of your main character. And there's so much unnecessary information. This is actually a more personal one, but I'd remove the second sentence in the second paragraph, because it's unnecessary, already evident, and can be expressed through clever wording. Despite that though, you expressed your main character's fascination with the stars very detailed and very well.

Third paragraph. It was going so well, until you killed it with your diary-entry writing style in the second sentence. Look, you're not writing another diary entry, nor are you casually recalling an experience with a friend over Starbucks. You're telling a story for all ladies and gentlemen and boys and girls to listen to, and you have to tell it well.

Fourth paragraph. Though the GRAMMAR wasn't on point, your hyperbole with the "horse stomping" was actually good. Until you killed it again with that "btw" note. Also:

"I curled in my bed and tried to hold on to the moment for just another moment." Read this aloud and tell me if you feel anything wrong, awkward or redundant with this sentence.

Also, don't just tell us that your main character loved the sound of rain or the temperature dropped. Show us! Maybe your MC felt at peace just hearing the constant pitter-patter of the rain on her roof, or maybe she shivered because of the cold the constant raining caused.

Also, more unnecessary info! Do you think we needed to know that your main character just stood up and turned off the fan? Do you think this is important, relevant to the theme, or drives the plot onward? Also, the personification about the rain isn't appropriate. Clouds can't move very fast, let alone "roam" the whole sky. Maybe "ruled" would be a better verb for it.

Also, how would we know it was the first rainfall in a long time? I know you tried to use the clouds covering the stars as a hint, but it's too subtle to be noticed immediately.

The next paragraphs are pretty much these mistakes recurring, but I'll point them out anyway.

Fourth paragraph. Don't you think it would be better to actually quote the poem/song you mentioned?

Fifth paragraph. More diary-entry style. Your main character's morning routine is not very relevant. I know you tried to use this as a transitioning device to drive the plot onward, but you're putting too much emphasis on this very trivial set of details.

Sixth paragraph. More daily routines. Miniscule details. And more diary entry. The last line is simply a turnoff at this point, and doesn't provide much to the description of the outside. Also, you didn't describe it well enough. More details about the outside, maybe?

Seventh paragraph isn't so bad, but the damage was done already. At this point the reader would be too uninterested or turned off to actually appreciate this good ending line. Still, you provided that memorable ending line, like you always do. Props to you for that.

Overall, it's alright, but not as a flash fiction. Too much unnecessary details, and the writing style isn't reminiscent of a flash fiction's. On top of that, it seems like this piece constantly fights itself. Your figures of speech are good at times, but it just gets ruined by the next sentences.

Alright, since you're a poet by nature (at least for me), I'll give you a tip. Think of flash fiction not as a short short story, but as a short narrative poem, but written in prose. Poetry, but in prose. Hopefully that change in perspective makes flash fiction easier for you to transition to.

Another tip: Like in poetry, every word in a flash fiction should count. There's nothing wrong with adding very flowery and picturesque details, so long as they're relevant. Look at every word and ask yourself: does this word relate to the theme or mood, reveal character, or advance the plot?

Despite all of this, though, you told a longer story in just a few hundred words, and that's all that matters when you write flash fiction. Anyways, I hope you keep on writing flash fiction, and I'll see your works again in the future.