Young Writers Society

Hello my friend!

I love this poem, it's deep and meaningful. The way you use imagery and metaphors is really good! The only problem is you need to update the advice sageleaf gave you, and those were silly mistakes you can easily update.

I thought the poem was interesting, not only because how greatly you used metaphors but also your writing technique was unusual. It's nice to see a fresh look of poetry like you've done!

There is only one thing I don't understand. The last line 'you are even stronger than even different days' confused me. It could just be me being stupid, I know what you mean, but please just look at the line again and see if you can re-phrase it somehow? I know... I'm picky, but it's just because it's such a good poem! xx

Lots of love,
Evenslily xxx

Hi thewritersdream! Interesting poem, I like the ideas here but you do need to work on some things. The most obvious to me is that you need to choose a layout for your poem and stick to it. As it is now, it's a little confusing and hard to read, and this layout doesn't let me get a feel for the rhythm of the poem. Consider organizing it into stanzas. This will better let your reader know when the pauses are, and when you switch to different ideas. Stanzas will also help you see where punctuation is necessary, as it is not completely right at the moment.

Past that, you do have several spelling errors:

"They taste like black coffee with out sweeting, they taste like a medicien one would just have to keep chewing. "

It should be:
"They taste like black coffee without sweetening, they taste like medicine you just have to keep chewing"

And here:
"The days were like whirwhids of ups and downs,"

Should be:
"The days were like whirlwinds of ups and downs,"

Once you establish a rhythm, go back and see what you can improve upon as far as timing and wordiness.

This could be a great poem with a little more work!
Sage