next time you look at me with those eyes,
as if you know my every move, my very thoughts,
as if my smile is calculated and my words are adjusted,
know it is untrue, know i am confused by how you assume.
next time you question me with animosity because you
wonder if i am like the others, who come and go just for their
benefit, who do not care about how people suffer for it,
know it is untrue, know i do care, i am confused by why you assume.
next time you sigh because it seems like you're dealing with
one of 'us' again, i hope that you can hear it, so that you understand
how it sounds to me, as if i am a waste of your precious time,
when i never did anything to you, and i was really hoping to leave
friends with you, i am confused by the way you assume.
next time we meet, i will smile at your face and won't hold
anything against you, after all perhaps it was just my view,
and you were having a rough day, so you decided to keep,
your face in a slight frown, and be cynical, reserved,
i don't mind, but i do mind if you looked at me, and made a decision
about who i was going to be to you, i do mind when you assume.
Hello Skydreamer!
Nice poem! I like the descriptions, although I kind of thought you meant "I didn't like the way you assume" when you said "I'm confused about the way you assume", but once I had thought about it, it made sense. I found several capitalization errors, but that doesn't matter, it's Poetry! I like how you said "my smile is calculated", that really set the mood for the rest of the poem.
Until Next time!
~Kelpies.
Great poetry! Just wondering what you mean by "it seems like you're dealing with one of "us" again" who are referring to when you say "us", apart from that, it was a really great read, and I think that it could end up being really famous if you work at critiquing it and sending it out to publishers.
I genuinely believe that this is a one of kind poem that I would really like to be seen taken to the next level.
Try too put capital I's, as it makes it a lot easier to read. I would also like to say that the way you wrote this poem fits the concept perfectly, society often does "assume" certain things about certain people, and I think that the way you captured this was done really well.
Thanks, good stuff!(:
Wow. This poem really hits me right in the heart--it's very personal and I can almost feel the disappointment and upset of the speaker/author. It also conveys feelings that I've felt before, like I'm a waste of people's time and that people are always assuming things when they look at me or talk to me. It almost seems like, in my interpretation, that the person is speaking to their parent(s) who doesn't understand them at all, which makes it even more personal for me. This seems like something that should be published and I'm really in awe of how perfect this poem is. A definite 10/10.
Keep on writing!
Wow this poem is amazing! i love the emotion of fearlessness that runs through it. One thing though, some of your sentences are phrased a little awkwardly. Besides that though, i really enjoyed reading it.
Amazing! This reminds me of a character in The Infernal Devices.
THIS SPEAKS OF MY LIFE! I hate it when people make assumptions and you worded it so well, it's amazing. I love the emotion you put into this and how you worded everything. Excellent work, Skydreamer! Defiantly going to read more of your work.
Skydreamer,
Terribly sorry, I'm going to have to make some assumptions here.
Your writing gets better and better. This one is crystal clear and the movement from thought to thought flows well. The second and third stanza, I think can be conflated into one main idea/stanza. The "you wonder if i am like the others" in s2 is strikingly similar in idea to "it seems like you're dealing with one of 'us'" in s3.
Careful with your breaks in line 4, s3: "hoping to leave friends with you" sounds like it's talking about the speaker wanting to give up her friends to him, like: Here, I want to leave these two people here with you, please take care of them. 8D
Those are all technical comments, as for the content itself, in the end, they are all just the speaker's thoughts. How boring. One thing I would suggest for any of your future pieces, maybe try writing about concrete scenes? A lot of your poems I've noticed tell about something. For example, writing about a heart-break - the feelings, emotions, about it, as opposed to writing a scene. Developing a place, a setting where the moment of the heartbreak takes place, that way you get the chance to capture the intimacy and immediacy of the moment as it happens. Even here there is distance - the action being about "looking" "questioning" "sighing" "assuming" -- not very interesting. I want to see trees collapsing, and grumbling trains, and earth popping her zits, all those menstruating magmas of hers. 8D Bahahaha. Action! Life!
Keep writing, and I hope this helps!
~ as always, Audy
It really helps! Thank you! xDD
(Actually this was based on my day... so it was very thought-y, but your comments are true and I'll keep them in mind as I grow as a writer!) <3
Hi there!
First off, I'd like to mention that if you had paid a wee bit of attention to the capitalization, that would have helped a lot in the presentation and style of the poem since the punctuation used are beautifully done, just at the right places....
Next, I'd like to say that the message your poem is trying to convey is clearly the most relevant topic of disturbance in us...that is teenagers...which is probably why you have composed this poem (PS Am I right?)
And the last stanza, man I loved it so damn much!! It so perfect a conclusion!!
Anyway, keep writing and be happy!!!
Hey,
Right off the bat I notice a lack of capitalization at the start of every paragraph. As well as I you used it well but its lowercase constantly. In my opinion it really is a shame because you have a beautiful use of punctuation. Moving on, as I read this poem I notice it seems to be pretty heart felt all the way through. Which of course gets me wondering about the story behind it. All good things have one. I think if I had to pick a favorite part it would be the beginning, I like the idea you put in of a calculated smile and adjusted words. Personally, I can really relate to it.
The theme I am getting here a lot is frustration which I kinda expect. Maybe its just me but I feel like this poem could potentially hold a lot more emotion and feeling with just a few minor changes. But its always the poets call. Looking past everything, great poem! I look forward to reading more of your work in the future, so keep up the good work!
Sincerely,
Collideascope