Reminiscing was one of my favorite things. I was ten and there was no danger in doing so. I would remember being held by my momma and being twirled around by my daddy. I would remember the previous Christmas, and the times when I laughed so hard I peed. I would remember the soft handmade curtains, and the books I had to read. I would remember the dancing, the singing, the fighting, but ultimately the living. The way my brother always stole my dolls and traded me candy for them, and the way my sister painted my nails and chatted about Randy and all of them. Those were the days to remember, the days that a ten year old could look back at and smile, or frown, or simply laugh. The days I could tell people about, and the days people cared to listen about. But then. Then it all was about to change. Like the shift in the world that causes earthquakes there was a shift in my family’s world that caused us to split up. It was shaken, broken, destroyed. No more playing, no more toys, no more joking no more mentioning of boys. Everything I had loved ripped from my hands, the soft part of my heart, bruised beyond repair, at least, so it seemed. My brother ran away, my sister gave birth, my father married another and my mother hid pain through mirth. She laughed it away like it mattered not, but it mattered to me and it hurt my soul, but I said nothing to no one, I couldn’t behold. I couldn’t behold what people would say, would think. I didn’t want to know, I didn’t want to think. So I stayed inside, and refused to leave. I could have, I should have I wanted to. But I stayed within. I stayed within me really. I went to school still and did the usual things. I went to sleepovers and had my flings. But I never let my heart out, and barely went out my comfort zone. I didn’t need to go anywhere after all, there was nowhere to go and no one to trust. My heart was sealed, broken and barred. And that is why, that is why I know why the caged dog bites. Those dogs who are guard dogs, who are vicious and seem to have no heart, and who will choose to bite regardless of who it is. Were like me, so I know why they do it, they do it because they don’t want to let anyone in, and they don’t want to get hurt themselves. When they get the chance they need to know they are top dog. They need to know they can never be put down, that they won’t be pushed away. They bite to feel power, to feel confident, to feel strong. Because when they are locked in themselves, locked by the cage, they are being controlled, under power, and useless. They come out only to protect, whether it be themselves or their owner. As for me, my bite did come; I pushed away all love, left my home, but not myself. I stayed within, and made biting comments, slapping people with insults and hiding in my anger. I know, oh, I know why the caged dog bites, I know why I am filled with anger, and now, looking at my hands filled with blood, I wish I had known sooner.
I love the title and the story told. It explains many things to me and to your other readers! The way this project is laid out is amazing, and like aVeryThoughtfulBeing put, it's like poetry but not in poetic format. And I agree, it is a very interesting way to show your story. Keep on writing like this and you'll defiantly get more views and/or reviews! I forgot, the emotion you put into this really gave me the feels. I love it! Write more!
I love the title and the story told. It explains many things to me and to your other readers! The way this project is laid out is amazing, and like aVeryThoughtfulBeing put, it's like poetry but not in poetic format. And I agree, it is a very interesting way to show your story. Keep on writing like this and you'll defiantly get more views and/or reviews! I forgot, the emotion you put into this really gave me the feels. I love it! Write more!
I love the title and the story told. It explains many things to me and to your other readers! The way this project is laid out is amazing, and like aVeryThoughtfulBeing put, it's like poetry but not in poetic format. And I agree, it is a very interesting way to show your story. Keep on writing like this and you'll defiantly get more views and/or reviews! I forgot, the emotion you put into this really gave me the feels. I love it! Write more!
I liked the format, poetry but not written in a poetic format. It seems like when you read poems, your mind automatically goes to reading certain ways, but writing like a narration but with rhyming has a different effect. An effect which I like. And I liked this, but I didn't quite get into it until around "The days I could tell people about, and the days people cared to listen about." So I'd say try to rewrite the beginning to make it more deep, for other people at least, obviously it's meaningful for you. But it lacks an intensity and introspection like the rest. Like the rest that is, because the rest is very introspective and portrays more feeling. And maybe give some example to relate the caged dogs and you more.
Hey, I like this little piece. I think at the beginning, the constant sentence starters as, I would remember... are repetitive, obviously, but makes it seem bland, and it distracts from the variety of things the character would remember. Maybe if you were to write it something similar to,
Hope this is helpful.
I would remember ..., and ..., or when ... etc. And have a few reasons in one sentence. I think that'd have a nice rhythm, and not be so bland as it sort of is now to me, when i read it.
Other than that, There are a lot of 'I's, which, with some practice, can be eliminated just by rewording some of your sentences, or joining some like sentences with a conjunction.
Anyway, I like how its sort of poetic and at times has a fairly consistent rhythm. Some bits are jarring, but I think those parts could be fixed by changing your sentences up.
Hey, this was an interesting read, and I liked the play on I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings.
You have a good start here, but it does need some work. First of all, did you mean to have line breaks and stanzas? This reads like a story with some rhymes thrown in here and there. If you're going to rhyme in a poem, it should probably have a rhyme scheme. As they are, they're not working. Rhyming is never necessary, so consider taking them out. And this needs more imagery, especially if it's meant to be a poem. You do a lot of "telling" with general, vague words.
So keep working on this! Sorry, I don't know what to do about getting rid of the fanfiction thing. I don't think you can change that.
Prolix
By the way... if you've read this, this is not a fanfiction, that was an accident...not sure how to fix it though. :/ if I could have some help that'd be great!