Try to read it step by step, spacing's hard for me for whatever reason.
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You.
You make,
You make my day,
like the sun’s rays.
You.
Your smile,
Your smile is lightning,
my heart is the thunder.
You.
You make,
You make me laugh,
when it’s cold like winter.
You.
You keep,
You keep me warm,
with all your antics.
You.
You hug,
You hug me,
only when I really need it,
so that you really mean it.
You.
You dance,
You dance in my thoughts,
making me smile,
even when I can’t see you.
You.
You’re always,
You’re always there.
You’ll always be there.
You.
You are,
You are in my heart.
Beating like crazy,
making me feel alive.
You.
I
Love
You.
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140,543 Literary Works • 673,415 Reviews
This is really effective - how you have repeated 'you' so many times!! Well done ~ Kazza
This is a nice poem it's a little cheesy but still nice. Now in the lines where it reads
You make me laugh,
when it’s cold like winter.
Do you mean to say that you don't laugh when your cold or you just don't like winter. Then in the next two lines you mean she warms you. I'm only saying this because my first impression was laughter gives you warmth.
This is completely obviously about me <3
But regardless of that I have a few things to say.
Firstly I really like how you wrote this with the gradual building up of the statement then concluding the stanza with the word 'you.'
A couple of stanzas I felt were not diverse enough for example:
When we read this you are in effect, saying the same thing the whole time, lets compare that with this stanza.
This one is very pretty and descriptive, it gives a statement and develops the idea through words, which I love. Just compare it to the last one, the 'always' paragraph is very bland and empty compared to this, you have to admit.
Another one that was similar to the always paragraph was
Effectively the same line repeated.
Anyway, I have given you my rant about structure and balance. I don't like how some stanzas have five and some have four. The ones with four seem so much more halfhearted than the five ones plus this is a very visual and thus structural poem. I urge you to add a fifth line into the four line stanzas.
Thanks, I'll look it over!
I absolutely love this poem and the way you have written it!!!
It's really good and reading it reminds me of my fiance lol.
Very good job in my opinion!
Thanks!
And I'm glad! XD
Dream,
First off, great job! I really enjoyed this piece. I loved the format and your way of writing, it reminded me of lyrics to a song. I normally don't like romantic pieces, but I really enjoyed this. The metaphors were very creative and gave me a good idea of your feelings. My favorite was the one about hugging. :3
The only thing I think you should fix is the second paragraph.
Two typos.
1)Change the "you're" to "your". The "you're" you are using means "you are", which doesn't make sense in the context.
2) The word "lightning" is mispelled. Add an n.
Other than that, great job! I felt that this poem was the perfect length, as well as being a refreshing change from depressing and overly mushy poetry. Congrats.
Keep writing and being amazing!
~GC
Thank you!
Fixed it. XD