Young Writers Society

That was lovely! When, at the beginning, you said it was "free-form" and "probably breaking all the rules", I decided I would read it aloud to see whether it flowed well.

It flowed perfectly. As I read it, the natural tone of the words and structure of the sentences pulled my voice into a soft, thoughtful rhythm. At times, my speaking sped up or slowed down, becoming more intense or sorrowful. At times, I was drawn into a meditative pause. I didn't make the slightest effort to create these pauses and rhythms: the flow of the poem and excellent word choice created them naturally. It was lovely.

As for the content, it was beautiful, and I think, and excellent, artistic depiction of the human condition. While I was reading it, I tossed around the possibility that it might be directed toward a specific person, but it really seems to be speaking to each reader individually. I felt it speaking to me. It speaks straight to what we all as humans have in common: our beauty from being created in the image of God mixed with the way we hurt others with our sin. It speaks to our relationships, to our brazen pride, and to our loneliness. We aren't strong enough to break the thorns, but there is Someone who is.

Thorns...I just thought of something which maybe you didn't have in mind when you were writing this, but which still seems connected. Jesus suffered from a crown of thorns when he died on the cross. The way thorns represent sin in this poem seem to connect directly to the thorns that pierced Jesus. He suffered from our sin. I don't suppose you had that in mind...?

The last line of the poem strikes me as especially tragic somehow. It's incredibly profound. Let's see if I can articulate this...

The rose --its essence and beauty--I've taken to represent our being in the image of God. There's inherent worth in the rose. Apart from God, there still exists beauty and worth in that image of God, but it's not absolute, complete beauty or worth. So, then, isolated by their sin, but not knowing God, people often look to their self-esteem. They remind themselves that they're roses and try to find all the worth and beauty they need from that. But that's why it feels so tragic. The word choice here: "you tell yourself, one more time" just makes it feel like that's not all there is. It makes it feel like that's not enough and there should be more.

But there is more. Ultimate worth isn't found in our inherent value as human beings, but in the Lord Jesus Christ. When we search for meaning in ourselves and not in God, we'll only continue to wither. There is only One who can break the thorns.

Wow, I feel like if I was still in college and had to write an essay about a poem, I would choose this one.

I can't find anything to criticize--so, sorry. I was going to point out how you "neglected" to capitalize the first letter in each line, but then I noticed that even your capitalization and lack of capitalization seemed intentional. You chose specific lines to capitalize, adding more, I think, abruptness and emphasis to those lines. It's very masterful.


(P.S. Sorry, I don't usually look at other people's reviews, and I don't mean to criticize them, but let me put in my two cents: I liked the first line and the mixed linguistic contrast and equivalency it had with the third line...And I also didn't find anything to be ambiguous--at least not in a bad way. I'd feel sad if you changed it. ;-; )

Hey there Sky, it's been a while. Here's what I have to say about this brand new poem of yours-

Firstly, I'll tell you what I tell everyone who puts author's notes at the beginning: move it to end of the poem or put it in the description. It's not cool when a poem begins with a note which isn't a part of the poem semantically.

Now, about the poem - I like the simplicity and the clarity of it, I like how different threads of imagery branch out from a single central idea, that is, a 'rose with thorns.' Neatly done. I would like to point out a few things though-

you aren't a rose without thorns.
people often talk about roses, their beauty, their presence,
but you are a rose with thorns.

you are both beauty and danger.
purity and sin.

wishing you were strong enough to break your thorns,
and let people touch you.
Break them, so that you wouldn't be so alone inside.

"You're still a rose though." you tell yourself, one more time.

<3 Hey there. So, I dig this because I love your poetry and when I saw this I clicked on it so fast I might have broken my keyboard...

...but that's no reason it can't improve!

So, I love the overall message of it, and your last line is killer. But the rest of it doesn't inspire quite as much emotion as I think it could.

And I think that stems from a couple of different little stylistic things. One of these is that slightly grandiose style that I've found is really easy for poems to wind up sounding like. It's these little words, especially "yet," that make it sound just slightly academic and more dry, less emotional. It's good for your sweeping LOTR-style epics, but not as much for more intimate poems.

Another thing I think might be causing it is the slight bluntness of your language. There are a lot of full stops, and overall the whole thing is fragmented such that puts me more in mind of a judge saying "THIS IS HOW IT IS" rather than the wistfulness you probably intended to convey. The occasional long line meant to be read rather quickly can do wonders for conveying things like regret and other emotions like that.

If you wanted to be bold, you could turn it into a "you and me" poem, where instead of a general narrator saying "your fragrance entices people" it's "your fragrance enticed me to touch you." That tends to establish a bit more sympathy and emotion and things like that.

But that's not the only way by any means - things like encasing the simple meanings in interesting metaphors and maybe adding a bit of poignant imagery in would also help. While the idea of purity is great, with no accompanying images makes it feel a bit stale. (And yes, I'm well aware that 'adding imagery' is a lot easier said than done. xD)

Sorry if that sounded like I'm ripping it apart, but I really do love this. I think the metaphor is really very sound, and I especially liked how you incorporated not just the thorns idea, but the growing and other things. By far my favorite is your last line though. I just relate to it so much, it's exactly the sort of thing I say to myself in my low moments. <3

Hopefully this is a bit helpful and not rambling nonsense.